Flirting with Time

[C_K]

Thanks SD , Cliffy

I am working on that fitness as my major goal for self.

W and D have been away on holiday out of town for last 4 days. Believe it or not this has been the longest time with no contact with W. I have got to say that I have been happier over this last few days than any time in the last year.

What have I learned from this? its that W is still eating away at my PMA when she is around.
I have therefore decided that she is not going to have this power and that is via even greater detachment.
I will still be thoughtful and considerate towards her but I am not going to go out of my way for her nor let her attitude affect me.

I have more important things to do with my life right now than to be drawn into her misery.

I hope that does not seem harsh but its for her now to prove that she is worthy of me.

Dave

[cliffy]

It is amazing how things turn from wanting to do anything to having to be proved that they are worthy.
Your sounding good.

[C_K]

An update

Just some interesting dynamics going on.

W and D got back from their mini vacation the other day and on thier way home I got a happy TXT message from W letting me know they on way back.

I txt W later asking her to stop at the store to pick up some stuff for me and that I might make them dinner if she can do this.

I got her short txt back . OK

I get home and I had a good lot of positive PMA going , Went up to D gave her big hug talked about what she had been doing etc.
W was in a grumpy on the couch , I said hi and was friendly and up beat , she then got up and gave me one of those look away kisses where the turn their head at the last minute.
I set about preparing dinner and talking with D getting in on her excitement about what they had been up too , I was feeling good.
It wasnt long befre W wanted in on the act and started to engage in the conversation and lightening up.
I had the opportunity to tease W light heartedly a few times and took it , when dinner was done I sat with W on the couch this was at a time when I know she would want to watch a programme on TV so I got the remote and changed to a game show we all like instead where the kids and me sit round shouting out the answers and making fun of the contestants. W got into this too . When she left i got a proper kiss and I have not talked with her since.

Big Deal you may say , however normaly W would have either wanted to make dinner or not bother to stay. She would want to exert some control over what she still sees as her family.

I took control before she even got home by directing her to the Supermarket. I kept the PMA high and directed the whole evening.

I actualy had a good time and guess what she did too.

This has absolutley nothing to do with our on going sitch but its puting into practice stuff I have learned from " making her happy" and " way of the superior man" plus other stuff I have read or listened too lately.

Who better to practice this stuff on than W since she is here often enough. Its got to be useful going forward.

Dave

[Gone Dancin']

puting into practice stuff I have learned from " making her happy" and " way of the superior man" plus other stuff I have read or listened too lately.

Your post was quite fascinating to my Dave -- I'm very curious as to how your directing made W feel. Sounds like your actions took very well with regard to W. Way to go!

Can you post the authors of the forementioned books or CDs? I'm very interested in what they entail.

Sounds like you're doing great Dave -- as usual! Keep it up!

GD

[C_K]

GD

The book I have read is an E Book from David Cunningham at http://www.makingherhappy.com (mans guide to great relationships and marrage ) and also I got on CD ( but you can buy the Book ) way of the superior man by Deida.
I got it on CD so I can listen in the car as I travel a lot.

I keep reading stuff but the message is generaly the same in a lot of this stuff and I will try and give you the general idea of where I am at right now.

What has happened to a lot of us Guys is our W's have got bored in our R's and then they have met someone who is different , exciting and a challenge to them . For whatever reason they hae chosen to chase this rather than see if they can get what they need from us within the M.
Like many here I spent a lot of time trying to please my W and where did that get me ? right here.
Now even divorce busting tells you not to keep going down cheeseless tunnels , and for me being the nice quiet husband has not worked , for to long I have "wussed" out trying to keep W happy and for too long W has been in this M because "it was the right thing to do".
For too long I have not learned to realy listen to my W and learned how she communicates , so for too long she has had too put up with me seeming to be insensitive too her needs.

I have realy taken on board the need to attract a partner and also have read some of the dating stuff thats easily found. Not because I want to go out dating yet but because I want to learn to be attractive to my W.

Now I do have a motive for this as even if we never get back together , if she finds me attractive she hopefully will be less inclined to "take me to the cleaners" at settlement time and we will enjoy a better ongoing R at some level for the sake of our kids.

A lot of what I am hopefully achieving will help me in all areas of my life.
That is to have Confidence to do the right things and not give up what I think is right to please others.
To have compassion for others.
To have a sense of humour and have fun with others.
Lastly to take an interest in what others are doing.

Once you have confidence in yourself , you can let go of the fear . Note that confidence and assertiveness does not mean railroading others into doing things your way.

I hope that makes some sense.

I have got to the stage where I have accepted that my M is "done" so there is nothing I could do to make it worse realy so I may as well have some fun and treat W like someone I have met that I would like to have an R with. If nothing else it will be good practice.

Dave

[Reincarnated]

Wow, Dave...I am glad that I checked in on you.

I am dealing with my own self-esteem issues right now after all of this mess (and maybe even for a looonng time before...?), and this is the direction that I hope to head out to somewhere down the road. My head is pretty much right where you are, but I'm still working at getting my heart to catch up...

You sound really solid--good for you and your kids!

[C_K]

Thanks Donna

I will look over to see how you are going. Depression is your no. one enemy.
I have taken to scheduling future events to look forward to . The next one came to me at the supermarket. I am going to have a beers of the world night , get some folk around and we can try different beers. The supermarket had a big display of different beers that can be purchased by the bottle and that got my idea going. Everyone tips in a few $$ and away we go.
Not sure when but half the fun is planning.
Stuff like this and events with the kids plus keeping busy keeps the spirits up. I was in such a good mood I flirted with the nice looking lady at the checkout and she gave me a wink as I left . Now I am no looker just an average blend into the scenery guy so I put that down to hitting her with the right attitude.

Who said "laugh and the whole world laughs with you" ????

[SuperDad]

Dave,
You are a DBing king! So glad you got your groove back and are confident and detached enough to use your W to try out your new found skills!

SD

[C_K]

SD

The king ??? more the court Jester I think

Seriously , things have fallen into place a bit , Firstly the deep depression just a while ago when I finaly realy accepted that W is realy gone.
Then W going away for a few days and realising that she had been draining my PMA. On top of this lots of reading more about what I can do for myself to both improve my life and keep my PMA up regardless of W.

Dave