When to move back in together?

[the girl]

Hi everyone!
I wish we could all take a cruise together...we could laugh and cry and drink fruity cocktails by the pool. Maybe someone should suggest this to Michele. She could offer positive workshops. Then, when she was asleep, we could all go to the disco and dress up like our H's OWs and throw food at each other. Ha, ha!

Forgiveness is a daily excercise that is so unpleasant. It is like doing 300 situps in front of an audience. Overall I think I am doing well. I take it to God a lot because I realized that if I pray for the OW to know God she would really be out of my H's life. I am praying that God would give her dreams about how disgusting her actions are/were and that she would beg Him for a new heart and life.

I pray for God to deliver my husband from all the emotional bondage he is in and that the soul tie he has made with her would be shattered.

This morning I read in Genesis about Joseph and how he was enormously favored by God, but still suffered terrible injustice. But God always took Joseph's trials and used them for good. I was especially struck by the part about God blessing Joseph's life while in prison. Good stuff.

Today was positive; yesterday was misery. I went to church and layed on the floor. All that was being spoken and prayed was wonderful. I was so weak I kept seeing myself on a stretcher. I just layed there and soaked up everyone's faith and hope. (I go to an A/G church so laying on the floor is not abnormal

I have practically memorized "Not Just Friends". Unfortunately, I find Shirley's advice good for those who have ended the affair. In my case, it is a lingering nightmare. My H's contact with OW is a shadowy blob that I live with. So I find Michele's advice a lot better.

I find myself feeling pretty isolated in not wanting to tell people in my life that I am back with H, not knowing how much contact he has with OW, not hearing him tell me he loves me and not having any sexual intimacy. I know what they all say: I have no boundaries, I am letting him step all over me, why do I want to be with a man who doesn't love me, etc. etc.

Runningoutoftime, I understand your point about the honeymoon phase, but we are definately not in one. We are like roommates. We have a lot of fun with our kids.
We are being very, very diplomatic. He gives me a lot of pecks and hugs, so that is really nice. He tells me he needs time to feel physically affectionate with him.

I have just lined up childcare for when we go to Retrouvaille, in two weeks. I am both excited and fearing Retrouvaille. I am simultaneously grateful he is back, and despairing at the lack of love between us. I am trying to be very positive, as being negative and critical drove a wedge between us in the past.

I have become very good at acting As If, to the point where I am actually dreading when I have to expose my pain. When will I know it is OK for me to expose myself? He has slaughtered my heart. It is way easier for me to act As If, rather than verbalize the pain. I don't want to be rejected. So, it is all bottled up.

Our three year old seems to be catching on to the fact that Daddy is back with the family and she is saying lots of things about him being the best and only daddy.

When he contacts the OW, I wish he would consider our three year old's words. If he doesn't care about how his stupid relationship with her eats me alive, then he should think about how his actions could cause massive damage to our daughter's life.

Grrrr. Just thinking about it makes me want to smash stuff.

When my best friend was here visiting we didn't take time to make new memories near the 'dreaded neighborhood'. We threw around a lot of ideas. One was for me to dress up like OW in a mocking way and go take pictures in her neck of the woods. This was partly hilarious, partly pathetic. Anyway, my friend has a new proposal that she is sending me in the mail---don't know what it will be, but I told her I will do whatever she asks and I will document with photos.

Sorry this is so long. I can't believe how wildly my emotions are swinging right now. In one day I am giddy, despairing, turned on, disgusted, hopeful, planning to leave, haunted by memories, anticipating a new marriage...

Once again, I feel like Gollum following around Frodo. I even feel like I look like Gollum.

When is the cruise?
The Girl