new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

Gone dancing and forrest.

Forrest I really did expect a tongue lashing from you...but it is true...i have beat myself up about it all day. And gone dancin.... I have a problem with acting before I think. I am getting much better at controlling it but sometimes...wow...it just happens.

I was over at his new house tonite Not some thing I would have picked but he is proud of it and I am proud of him. I told him as much too. He ended up brewing a pot of coffee for us and we sat on the porch and talked. I did alot of listening and told him when he was done why I was hurting so much. I told him I was hurting because I had hurt him badly enought to lose his trust. That I had forgiven myself but that it was something that would not ever be forgotten by me and again that I was sorry. I told him that I was grateful for the amicable relationship that we do have. He asked me why I could let myself go and be happy and social and funny with other people and not with him. I told him it was hard. when you are hurting to act like you arent' is hard. He undrstood that and said that he wants us to be honest wiht each other.

He asked about the changes I could see in myself and he asked about how I was feeling. We talked about facing my fears. I told him just how dependent I had been on him and that I knew it was unhealthy. I told him that I have learned to depend on ME. He knows this is true. I have only called him once when my son had an asthma attack but other than that I have not counted on him for anything.

I told him that there were positives to our situation. We have both learned so much about ourselves throught this whole process. He is big into looking for the positives. He agreed. He admitted to being an enabler and is worried taht as that is his personality that as a taker we could fall back into that old routine and we agreed that neithr of us wnat to do that.

I did not give timelines or say what I wanted to happen today. He talked about patience and how TTT. (things take time) I sort of think he is testin me to see what I am willing to do, to show, how long I am willing to wait. I think when I left we both felt a whole lot better about the situation.

Something that started today so negatively, I feel ended better. He followed me to walmart to pick up some pics, hugged me and I was on my way. I did call him when I got home about getting the e-book for heimlich and it was easy breezy and light.

So I mayh be able to put my head down tonite and truly sleep (after I get my homework done for my nightclass tomorrow!!!) Oha nd make lunch for my daughter.