I have taken responsibility for my contributions to the state of my marriage, gave a sincere apology and had my wife comment that she had seen a change in me for the better (this was prior to the dropping of the D bomb). I am extremely self critical and was quick to examine my own behavior. Regrets? You bet, but hindsight is, as they say, 20/20.
I have started reconnecting with old friends, I just hate that the topic of the state of my marriage always seems to come up. I know deep down that I control my destiny as far as my happiness is concerned. I just feel as if I don't want to have to start over if I am divorced. I don't want another woman, I want my wife. I am not a bad looking guy (how do you say that and not come off as cocky?) I have had offers from other women since the separation but have turned them down. I could not live with myself if I were to violate my marriage vows. Maybe she feels different and has done that already for all I know. Part of me is screaming, "don't invest valuable time in an unwise investment." If she has stated that she wants a divorce, am I investing time in an unwise investment. Hell if I know anymore. Is my anxiety regarding this divorce a fear of the unknown, in a small part, yeah.
You are on the money as far as giving joy to others. I took a deceased friend of mine's dad to a televised college football game a few weeks back. It was the weekend before the 2 year anniversary of his son's death. My grief seemed to pale in comparison to his. He was not a talkative guy about his son's death, but he spoke volumes by simply saying "people don't realize how much I miss him." Wow. We had a good time at the game and he told me how much he appreciated me taking him. I had that feeling one get's when you know that you did a good thing for someone, and they acknoledged it. Anyhow, I am no going to make any rash decisions regarding my wife. I will continue to be positive when we speak. However, I will continue lifting weights, taking jiu jitsu classes and praying that God will have it in his plan that my wife and I are together again. Whew! That was a mouthful. Thanks for reading. To be continued....
