I'm barely together for this but i need to say something somewhere.
we talked.
we talked and it hurt so much.
i didn't beg or get angry or anything, either
some of it was just "what to do with x item" stuff to edge away from the other emotional stuff
but i asked her, "where did it go wrong?" or something close to that. and she opened up.
my control issues, she felt boxed in, even if it wasn't to the extent of me saying "you can't hang out with that person" or "you can't do that" i guess it was enough to make her feel trapped
and my anger was too much, too, overall
oh god i feel so terrible. i was bad, i was mean, but i loved her too and i managed to completely screw that up.
some of it (by her own admission) was her, she didn't entirely blame me, but i did so much wrong and for her in the last months everything piling on her just made her percolate inside and when she came to the decision, she said "it broke for me".
it broke for her.
our marriage, our love, the six years we were together.
she cried as she said all this. i did, too, some - not the big sobs but my damned eyes were leaking a bunch
and somewhere in there when it seemed like it was a place, I touched on the idea of a separation before divorce, to give us space and time for a bit of healing for us
and she said that as much as she wished she could say "yes" for my sake, she didn't have the faith, or belief that she could ever feel the same way again without fear of going back to the patterns of anger/conflict.
"it broke for me" ... those words tore my heart out (and she seemed geuinely torn up, too)
I KILLED MY WIFE'S LOVE FOR ME!
There were long pauses, streches of time where we just sat in silence - eyes wet and looking at eachother.
She said, too , after that, "I still value you, and a part of me will always love you.." ..and "I have faith and know that someday you will be a very giving and caring husband, but it can't be to me"
oh, god, what do i do now?
do i try and persevere and show her through the changees i'm making for myself (some of which she knows of because our friend let slip I was seeing a therapist, which she said she's "proud of" me for)?
or do i resign, do i give up?
i love her so insanely much. and it hurts right now at least as much as when she told me she was leaving.
