I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[theotherhalf]

I am trying to act as if it's okay for H to come home any day. That it will be okay. Over and over in the beginning of this I told H that I didn't want to go back to the old life. That I too wanted a new life for us. That things could be so much better. But in the beginning I doubt he heard any of it.

I think that if he decides to it will come slowly and he'll just creep back in. I am okay with that as long as we'll be able to work on things later. But it will take time to get to that point. If he came to me tomarro to move back (He Won't) I think that I would have to say no. We need time to get used to each other again. To get rid of the uncomfortable stuff first. H still has alot of work to do as do I. I just pray for the day that I know he's made up his mind to come home. And I can look in his eyes and not see the fog.

I am using this time to work on me. To try and figure out who I am, who I want to be, although still I have no clue. I am starting to think that I am who I am supposed to be. That I just let "stuff" get in the way of me being me. Sure I now see things about me that I need to change and I am working on them. I am learning patience and that is huge for me. I am trying to think before I speak and that is a big deal for me too. As I am terrible at that when I am angry.

As far as "HOPE" I do have much hope. That and my beliefs are what keeps me here. What I really question is if the hope and the beliefs are allowing H to keep toying with me. To just keep me hanging there till he decides to cut the cords. I feel in order for H to know that it's okay to come home I have to be there with an open door. Or even opening the door for him somewhat. That in asense leaves me open for him to continue to hurt me. I know that but yet I feel it is what I need to do. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe it's just what may push him away. Who knows? But it's what my gut tells me to do.

On the same hand I am trying to give him space. No questions, no advice, no demands, little talk alot of listening, no asking for anything (except sex as I've said this was an issue in our marriage and one of the things I've changed about me and feel he needs to know).

So I don't know if I want to call any of the recent events as "positives" or am I just fooling myself that they are. Or are they just ways to ease his grief or loneliness. Will any of the "positives" make a difference in the end?