This will have to be a readers digest version, but I do have to vent and put it out there so my DB friends here can keep me on task. It's been a real rough week or two. Here's the main points, since I thought things were doing better I tried to be more affectionate. We'll apparently I was wrong and W started to bring up the fact that her feeling haven't changed, haven't been able to/don't want to change them, can't see why to try any more, perhaps we need to get more serious about D. I said I didn't believe that was the answer, we could work this out, was not just going to role over and go away but be at her beck and call for support, babysitting.....
That was not what she wanted to hear. I stood my ground and in fact said that I was probably going in a completely different direction than what she planned. So I guess I put a stop in her machinery. That means I made it through the weekend without getting papers in my nose. Perhaps the fact of me fighting the whole mess, perhaps costing more than she had wanted, having to face a lot of questions from a lot of people......
I also know that a few people have let her know that she is nuts to throw this away. That didn't sit well either. As others have heard and come forward, most who have "been there and done that", they are echoing the "you don't want this" and "she's nuts to do this", event the ones that are not in a married relationship. Hearing all this is good, but it doesn't overcome the anxiety from day to day waiting to see if the other shoe will drop.
With all said and done, I know what I want to do, it's the time and ground in the middle that seems very daunting right now. My resolve strengthens when I get on here, or I sing the kids to bed at night, or when she does something that I've always found cute. Focus, focus, focus.
I don't mean to be a hard ___ to her, but I've kind of been pushed to my limit, I'm not backing down on this. What she is proposing is not right, so no I will not roll over. Too much at stake, and it's impossible to undo this mess once it's tied. Either one day she will love me, or hate my guts. My kids will know I went down swinging. I just hope that if this goes south, my youngest will remember all I did. Probably not.
Anyhow, I'm going to keep my eyes up, attitude positive, and don't let the negative build. I don't feel bad about anything I've done and if I did, I've apologized for anything I might have done wrong and I can't change the past. Sorry about the "dissertation", but it had to be said.
