Maybe I am rewriting history too. Maybe that is another stage of detaching. Instead of thinking of H on a pedestal I am remembering all the horrible things he did so I can let go. I am all about balance, but I am going to go with this feeling for now.
My H was deceitful during my first pregnancy. He had secretly withdrawn from University and went on an academic probation. He still pretended to go to classes, but just meandered in cafes and book stores. Kind of like now. He even pretended to go to study for classes he was not even attending.
Second pregnancy and he became odd about naming the baby. H has the same name as my father and his grandfather. I always thought it was the best choice for a name. He kept quiet about it. Then, on the way to the hospital he blew up. Said no son would have his name, be a Junior!. We did not know the sex yet. But he flipped out and said absolutely never! Yelling full throttle. I guess he hates himself so much the thought of a son, another male, the same name, just sent him over the edge. I cried during my hard labour. Of course, everyone assumed it was the labor, but I wept alone knowing he ruined what was supposed to be the best day of my life. It was traumatizing. My Son was born and we picked a different name. His face was not even completely birthed, sorry so graphic, and my H sighed that this baby looked exactly like him. Eyes, hair, bone structure. Exactly, and this dissappointed him for some reason. Can anyone spell self hatred. They have not really bonded. Maybe someday I hope.
The worst part was realizing he loved his mistress. I cried sayinghow it was me that wanted another baby and now he was planning a new life with a new woman who would probably want to get married and have kids someday. He yelled, "I already gave you two kids!"
As if his jail sentence was over so let him get on with his new life and leave me and my kids like second class citizens.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Maybe I am rewriting history too. Maybe that is another stage of detaching. Instead of thinking of H on a pedestal I am remembering all the horrible things he did so I can let go. I am all about balance, but I am going to go with this feeling for now.
I totally understand this!!!! I have been doing the same thing lately. I couldn't figure out my anger last week and I think it has to do with this. Maybe...just maybe....our H's are tired of thinking how bad they had it, and are doing a switch as well, thinking of the good times. Maybe that is why the fog lifts....
My D6 had a major freak out for missing her TH appt. I did not think she would take it so badly that we missed it. I really wanted her to see her TH especially since we are getting ready for the big D talk next week. It was totally my fault. I have been working nights and I have swiss cheese brain already. I screwed up the times, but her meltdown was sooo bad. She went into the backyard and screamed at her best friend who was eating her cookies. She yelled that her best friend gets have everything and that she has nothing! Her best friend has a cat and a dad and a truck and she has nothing. It is not fair, etc. whoa. I tried to calm her down but I was just pissed that she would talk to anyone that way, like a brat.
Then I displace my anger toward my H for being a prat and not dealing with the sitch at all. Yes, I broke the 48 hour rule and called him from the garage and tried to calmy tell him off. I told him I felt resentment for his choices and how his choice have affected the kids. he asked how his life affects the kids? Denial. I told him that the kids feel betrayed and walked out on too. He slammed that I was the one who kicked him out and that I was the one who wanted a D. I replied that I now know from working at the bar that he treated me like Sh## for months before seperation because he was being a leach and having affair(s) way before I asked him to leave! His guilt from going out with bar tramps made him treat me like crap at home. What choice did I have? Click. Again. then he called back but I did not talk to him. I am still fuming.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Maybe I am rewriting history too. Maybe that is another stage of detaching. Instead of thinking of H on a pedestal I am remembering all the horrible things he did so I can let go. I am all about balance, but I am going to go with this feeling for now.
I totally understand this!!!! I have been doing the same thing lately. I couldn't figure out my anger last week and I think it has to do with this. Maybe...just maybe....our H's are tired of thinking how bad they had it, and are doing a switch as well, thinking of the good times. Maybe that is why the fog lifts....
oh mk, I am so sorry about D6. I am soooo sorry. I want to give her a hug. and you, too. you are working so hard, juggling so much, and your h is a total prat.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Poor D6, poor poor thing. I feel so bad for her. I'm glad she got it out though, and I'm glad you were there to give her the support she needs. I am thinking of a lot worse names for your H right now... Nope, I'll be good and not utter them.
Don't beat yourself up for telling him off. I think they need to hear truth once in a while. Plus, you were doing it for D6, not for you.
One question. When did you tell him you wanted a D? I've gotten the "You kicked me out" thing before. Plus it was thrown at me that I went to the lawyer. They go and start R's w/OP. Then they justify it by the actions we take after the fact? OK.
I have been thinking about all the rotten stuff lately too, btw. I don't know if it's rewriting or merely selective memory.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
I asked my H to leave Easter because his Eldest Aunt refused to have Easter Brunch with my mother and me. It was sureeal! When I pressed him on it , he played dumb. I took a long look at him and wondered what was up with his family. Why were they conspiring against my family? What was up? Why did he not put me first and protect me? Knowing that our tenth anniversary was looming in the next month, I just could not take it any more and asked him to move out.
I still never found out what happened but that Aunt kisses my A## now that she sees it was my H who was being disrespectful. My in laws thought the separation was about me because I thought my H was a loser for "working in a bar, being poor, uneducated and being skinny". Now they know there are two sides to the break up. I recruited them because he got assaulted at the bar and was sleep deprived. That is why I wanted him to find another job. I did not even know or suspect an affair. I saw his weight loss and thought he was ill. I had no idea it was in vogue with emo kids. I NEVER gave a hoot that he did not have a degree, I cared that he lied about taking classes when he was not. His actions were bad, but his deceit was worse, IMHO.
My H's MLC was probably brought on by this cycle of insecurity. He would cuss at me and I would stop sleeping with him, so he cussed more, and I got turned off more. Soon enough, we had a sex starved marriage.
Last edited by mkultra; 10/02/0704:40 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
