There and Back, #7

[SallyM]

mk, when is your birthday?

we had a great time so far today. did make it to the gym and did fine. ran into a guy from S5's friend's karate party there. funny, he asked me on saturday where he knew me from and I figured I just had one of those familiar looking faces. nope, we go to the same gym. lol. so I went up to him when I recognized him and chatted for a bit. relax, he's married. still, me being outgoing and chatting with someone new is always good, especially at the gym when I tend to put my head down, my ipod on, and zone into myself.

took the kids to the farm and had fun...did the hay ride, ate apple cider donuts, looked at the animals, ran around a bit, then headed into the hedge maze. now, normally I like to think I have a good sense of direction. driving, walking, etc, I'm pretty decent, but mazes, well, they elude me, always have. I am awful with them. S5 led the way, he insisted, I was more than happy, but we never did find the center. lol. D3 was whining that her legs were hurting so we had to call it a day, promised we'd go back again on friday. better luck next time!

we just finished making a pie, its in the oven baking now. busy day, good day. off to D3's dance class soon.

mk, to answer your question (and be scared that you asked), H and I always have loved october. its beautiful here in new england (normally, although the freak hot spells here are kind of dulling it down this year...gee, just seems fitting somehow, lol). we got engaged in november and were talking dates and we both were on the same page...october. it just fit. originally wanted 10/11/97, but we found out my aunt had a conflict so changed it to 10/18. october was it for us...its beautiful out, not too hot, not too cold. we got married during a span of time when all of our friends were getting married...the span lasted around 6 years, every year we had one wedding after another it seemed, at least 4 or 5 a year. most were in the summer and we would sweat, sweat, sweat (no central air at the time) while getting ready. I remember saying I do NOT want to sweat in my dress. lol.

we had the most picture perfect wedding day. bright blue skies, the leaves brilliant with their fall colors. we were married at 11 am at our church, our priest knew us well and made it very personal. my mom even made the communion bread. everything was just wonderful, the reception after was at a beautiful inn...good food (what I got of it), great company, a fun time overall. like I said, couldn't have asked for a better day...I have many fond memories. and omg, H looked stunning. he wore a morning suit and I remember almost passing out when I saw him because he looked so good.

here is the bad part. my mom had made the pew markers...she used grapevine wreaths, ribbon, dried flowers, they were really pretty. each was spoken for after the wedding...the bridesmaids/mil/mom/grandmas/aunts all were getting one. H and I had rented an old style Bentley and they had just loaded me into it (big dress) for the trip from the church to the reception when I saw my mom coming out of the church with this crazy woman on her heels. my mom was saying that she was sorry, but she didn't have any wreaths to spare. this woman kept screaming at my mom, practically attacking her, and no-one was paying any attention but me, who couldn't do anything because I was in the car with the big giant dress on. the only people who were around at that point were H and the driver, and I started screaming that they needed to do something, finally they caught a clue and rescued my mom, but not before the crazy woman cursed me and my marriage. yes, she did. she said it would end badly, there wouldn't be happiness, etc, etc.

I know she was a lunatic. apparently she had waited in the church and tried to take all the pew markers and mom had told her she couldn't have them. but I do think about it from time to time now, given what has happened to my marriage.

[SallyM]

can I just say, I had the funniest thought running thru my head. I'm getting everyone ready to head to D3's dance class when I started getting annoyed that H is coming by tonight. not because I begrudge him seeing his kids, but because mondays are a bad day for company. lol...somehow I just think its kind of funny that I think of him as company. okay, its sad, but the ridiculousness of it gets to me in a way and it made me smile.

[SallyM]

well, I survived. H just left. I was fine when he first got here, got a little freaked out, decided to run an errand to get me away from him. ran over to cvs to get a card for a friend whose father just passed away...wow, that was hard to do, to find one that was appropriate. of course, I had to pass the anniversary card section and yes, I did stop and look at some of them. buggers are all about love and such...how dare they? lol. I blubbered a little at them, put them all back, and moved on. that's when I saw something that shocked me. did you know they now make cards for "troubled relationships?" omg, I read a few, and they just reeked of desperation. maybe because of me needing to detach/not pursue and the like, that is why they come across to me as such. maybe there are instances where they are perfect. I know I would love to receive one of the ones I saw from H. fat chance of that happening. and no, I didn't get him one. just kept envisioning mk telling donna to see his apathy every time I am tempted by something like that.

not much else to say. he thought my new jacket looked frumpy, and he ate half (half!) the apple pie. that is a LOT of pie. but he did ask first.

he's planning on coming by on wedn, and again on thurs this week. ugh. well, tomorrow night is off at least. and now I'm a bit panicked because thursday seems to be routine all of the sudden, instead of wedn (he's coming this wedn because he has something in my town that day), and I do NOT want him coming here on our anniversary (which is on a thursday). at the same time, I don't want to actually tell him I don't want him to come by on our anniversary...I don't want to talk about the day to him at all. I don't want to hear his voice, see his face, discuss it or allude to it in any manner. I can't. I know that seems over the top to many of you, but its who I am. I know me, and I know what I need. that day is really going to suck for me, and I don't want any sympathy or pity from him. I don't want any guilt from him. I don't want any contact with him.

so now I need to figure out a gameplan in case he does plan to make thursdays his regular night. guess in that case, I need to get a sitter and get out of dodge quickly before he gets here. not easy to do, plus the added problem with coming home (I'll have to see him).

sh!t.

looks like I'm going to have to talk to him. will wait till he brings it up, then will e-mail him that thursday isn't good, can he do x night instead.

guess that is the best I'll be able to do.

[Dom R]

I know I would love to receive one of (those cards) I saw from H. fat chance of that happening
....
I do NOT want him coming here on our anniversary (which is on a thursday).

I dont understand how you can write both of those sentances, in the same post.

I know that seems over the top to many of you, but its who I am. I know me, and I know what I need. that day is really going to suck for me, and I don't want any sympathy or pity from him. I don't want any guilt from him. I don't want any contact with him.

I think...if you truely want a chance at a marriage with your H again... you need to let these things happen.
I know that traditinally, men are fools for forgetting anniversary dates. But sounds like he's setting this up.

How about, if you want that chance.. you just let him come over that day, and do/say whatever he's going to say?

If you cant handle that, I'm not sure how you can possibly handle any kind of attempt at a real recovery.

If it helps you any... just presume that he forgot, and he's not going to bring it up, or say anything.
but dont sabotage it.

dont sabotage yourself

[Dom R]

odd thing... my 10th anniversary, was also this year.
august.

I presumed it was going to be another total bomb, like last year.
(separated then also)

but... I decided "what the heck", and invited my wife to dinner.
didnt mention anniversary in the invitation. and she accepted.
and we had a pleasant evening.

(and it seemed to be a small turning point, in things being slightly more positive between us, rather than negative)

From my perspective... when I invited her.. about the worst thing that could happen was that she said "no".
turns out, she said yes!
but if she had said no... i would have survived.

Just let things happen. If he says things you dont like... just ignore him. If he says nice things.. then thank him.
If he says NOTHING... well, then you'll get your "wish" for nothing happening for your anniversary anyway.

I think you will regret not even allowing the chance, though.

[SallyM]

the thing is, Dom, my h is living with another woman right now. I can't even imagine him agreeing to dinner or the like, and then what, he goes home to her? I'm ill just thinking about it.

trust me, he's aware of the date. he isn't the type of man who forgets things like that. even if he has traded me in for a leggier model, and is about to celebrate his 1st relationship anniversary with her, I'm sure he'll still remember our wedding date.

as for the discrepency between me wanting the card, but not wanting him to say anything, its because the cards I saw were from people who wanted to make their relationships better. sure, if H wants to do that, I'm open to it. but the reality is I know he doesn't want that. he sure as hell doesn't want that right now, doubt if he will in a couple of weeks. I don't want guilt/pity/sympathy on that day. I don't. and that's all I see coming from him if we have any contact at all.

not to mention, I guarantee I will be a weeping, blubbering mess, more so if I hear his voice. nothing I can do to change that fact...I know myself too well. I know I will. I can hold it together for the kids, I can stay strong while around them, but if I am around my H, hear his voice, anything, I will lose it.

I'm already losing it a bit just thinking about it.

I'm so glad you were able to have a pleasant evening with your wife. and I am so impressed with the courage asking her to dinner must have taken. I certainly appreciate and thank you for your input here. but I don't see any of that happening for me.

damn, I'm pathetic. I'm crying now.

[mkultra]

Dom is right because you will survive unpleasantries and at this point, what do you have to lose? It will be over before ya know it and then you will think , "Why did I fret so much?"

Your wedding sounds amazing. A lot of care and thought went into it. I am so sorry for the way things have turned out. Gosh, how did Princess Diana deal with all this crap? I mean her MIL was the Queen! Wedding of the Century my a$$.

Sorry for sounding bitter. Morgan. It will be OK if you see him on your anniversary.

I showed my kids where Mommy and Daddy got married and I did not even look at him to see if he cared. I just pointed up to the hill and said, "See that mountain? There is a vineyard inside and you take this bumpy road all the way up and that is where Mommy wore a big, white wedding dress!" It was really OK. That was it . done. My D6 said she would celebrate my next anniversary with me. no thanks, but the thought is what counts.

BTW, my Dad after 23 years of divorce and 18 years of marriage still calls my mom on their February Anniversary and my mom thinks he is crazy every year, but I know she secretly blushes. She was the first and the only true love. Every one else is a sad replacement and substitute and a reminder of how he threw away the real love of his life!

[LL44]

I totally understand you wanting that sort of card from H, but also not wanting to see him/needing space from him. Its because our H's aren't at that spot where they want to work on the relationship with us. We are temporarily abandoned and that's hard. Especially during big ol' milestones, like a 10th anniversary. I will be thinking of you and hope the day is easy for you.

H is coming by tonight. he feels rotten about how things went with the kids, particularly how things ended yesterday when he left.

This is good. I think (don't kill me) you can let up on the reminders that its hard on the kids (especially S5, so sorry about that!!!) because he is realizing it, BIG time. And you know that they hate hearing stuff from us. Also, thinking back when he calls to say hi to them or goodnight to them, I wonder if those 'iffy' moods can be traced back to him really missing them? I hope so, the fool.

Have a great night.

[SallyM]

I know I'll be okay, and this too shall pass, but damn, its going to be hard. feel like I'm climbing up a mountain. on the 18th, I'll be at the peak (at least this peak) and will be able to see what I'm so afraid of now. I'll have my answers...how will the day go? how will I make it thru...I will make it thru, after all, but how? then hopefully I'll have a rest before its time to climb the next peak.

mk, wow about your dad calling your mom. the idea of my h calling me every year on that date hurts. maybe time heals that. for now, though, wow, that just makes me ache.

lwb, trust me, I don't give H reminders all that often about the kids and how this is affecting them. I don't tell him half of what they do, although my friend has told me it is very important for me to share this stuff with him. It becomes a bit repetetive, though, so I only do it if I see a change, or if H questions a behavior or something.

[LL44]

morgan, You are so right! I know you shield H from a lot of the DAILY (grrr!) hurt your kids feel. He should see all of it, every single moment. You are right, if H brings it up, its a great time to inform him about what you have seen.

And about your anniversary, what you said this morning will ring true the day after that day as well...the sun will be shining, the birds will be chirping. And most importantly, your kids will be healthy and you will still be their mom.