Cemar, As you know, I spent most of my marriage being very LD. I didn't figure out that I get turned on by the strong initiation stuff until a few years ago. I was really excited by this, but by the time I told H about this " discovery" he had already checked out of the marriage. Apparently, he had been unhappy for a long time, but never confronted it with me. In some way, I suppose, he was intimidated by me, or maybe he thought I would get angry and want a D. Also, he didn't have a lot of sexual confidence, and he felt what little he had was shaken by my rejection. I say to him now, imagine how our lives would have been different if we both were more in touch with our sexuality and were able to come forward? But we really couldn't talk about it.
It all got confronted when I became newly HD. I was so thrilled to have sexual feeling again...I ran to get books and wanted to share it all with H. But he was angry at my attempts at intimacy ( he was involved with ow). And then I found this board. I had gotten to a place of differentiation where I knew I would be okay without him, and as I got to that place, H decided he wanted to make this work and disentangled himself from ow. Tnis didn't happen instantaneously as this post might suggest...it took a lot of blood, sweat and tears, as all my posts can attest to ( when I was IHJ).
We both have been through a lot and I feel in our 40's we are actually at the start of our sexual journey together. And we are at a much better place...he really makes an effort to give me the strong initiation stuff ( even though it's not exactly him...although he says he's getting into it). I have learned to rely less on fantasy and connect to him as a person, which is really what he needs. I need that too, but I like more play and talk. I guess it's a difference how our bodies work...he can get aroused by physical touch, but I need to put my mind into it, if that makes sense. Also, my H has a big need to be validated and admired, which is not my strong suit. I like being validated and admired myself!
We were really at a stand-off for such a long time and clueless how to fix it. It is not ideal and will never be, but what Lou says, you work with what you have, and it is a work in progress.
