Hey beautiful! You know what I think about your whole sitch, but let me add a few "reminders":
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
When he didn't call & just showed up, my mood took a little dive. We had a nice time, just not as nice as the B-Day dinner.
Understandable, but we all have to manage those expectations, right Sunny? He's not going to start doing everything right overnight.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
When we arrived home, he came up to say goodnight, as I told him I was tired & going to bed. Ended up having s*x for the first time in 5 months. I didn't care at the time if I ever saw him again, I was going to take advantage of the opportunity. It was really nice.
I say EXCELLENT for you. I know you wanted that for Sunny, not to influence the sitch. Good for you. That's the key - choosing your actions based on what is best for Sunny.
And your H is a very lucky man - too bad he doesn't fully appreciate that (yet).
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
The next day he started the distancing. Completely predictable & I wasn't surprised.
I did ask him if he enjoyed the evening & got this reply; "I was curious if I would feel drawn & I didn't. I'm no closer to packing my bags & coming back than I ever was."
O.K.
Chalk it up to alien spew and him feeling chased/pressured. He couldn't just come back full bore. Too confused and too much pride. This will be a marathon. Patience!!!!!
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
Called him an hour later to say that if that was the case, let's just move on.
He said I pushed him into that response & really, he needs more time.
His response makes perfect sense to me for a WAS.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
This week he has asked me to go out to dinner with him & S4 everytime he's been here. I've declined each time, although all the interactions have been nice & friendly.
Good for you. Well played. Do what you want for you.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
Today I saw what the OW looked like.....
Why I didn't think she would be so pretty, I don't know. It did fill in a lot of blanks for me as to what the draw was for him & apparently still is.
She is pretty. But no prettier than you, and her looks may have been an initial draw for him but this deal WILL NOT be decided by her looks. Plus, that photo was clearly professional, and I would be surprised if she looks like that in real life, day to day. You don't need to waste any more time and mental energy on her or what she looks like. Just focus on beautiful Sunny!!!
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
For some reason, after the initial surprise, I feel better knowing more. Instead of feeling less confident, I feel somehow more. Strange.
Not really strange. You got lots more going for you. I think his thing with her will run its course. In fact, I think it is already going that way, and the evidence to support this is there. Patience (again).
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
Maybe it's b/c I believe that yes, although looks count, they don't mean that you're going to plan a life around them (thanks Nomo ).
You bet kid!
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
I don't intend on being available for many/most/any get-to-gethers with H & S4 anytime soon.
Be available if you want to for you.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
I will keep the friendly, upbeat, confident me intact for glimpses as I'm going about my life though.
Good plan.
Originally Posted By: C_K
:) now I am jealous
Me too Dave!! Lucky b@st@rd doesn't even know how good he's got it.
Originally Posted By: C_K
He is infatuated with OW but probably cant see a future and is hanging on to you as a " backstop" as best as he can. Thats how I see it .
Actually, I believe he is well past infatuation. I think he is on the downhill side of that peak. He just is scared and cofnused and would prefer not to make a decision if he doesn't have to. He sees Sunny as more than a backstop now. He is slowly remembering why he fell in love with her in the first place, and why he married her. It is just a slow process, and he's scared (understandably).
Patience (yet again). Focus on you. Act as if. Stop the chase. There you go Sunny. All you need to know.
Much love, Nomo ")
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
It's been a big week of DBing for me & I was a little tired from all the activity combined with taking care of the kids & going out.
You wrote this a couple of posts back GD, & it sure holds true for me lately.
Quote:
Right, Dave. And we can't concern ourselves with trying to figure that out until they are 110% committed to finding their way back -- it'll drive us nuts if we do so now!
H pursued me with asking me out (with S4) everyday this last week & coming over 6 out of 7 nights. I've subscribed to much of the Homer book (I have it on the internet, just can't seem to find a way to post the link)& had been nice, agreeable, although indifferent.
This prompted a panic attack once or twice & since he was here or at least available on the usual nights he saw OW, I thought they might have hit a rough patch.
As I began to ease up & relax....ta da......full distance mode last night & back to the same schedule as week before.
As he(Homer) says in the book, you can't just change your behavior sometimes, it has to be all the time & become part of you. I let expectations pull me over into the fast lane instead of staying right there in the 2nd lane with the flow of traffic.
So, it's back to reading parts of that book everyday, since that seems to work for me & keep my PMA high.
Sounds like you have a good outlook there , Them expectations are what will get you. I think that once you find happyness in yourself then the expectations will run away.
Find as much PMA improving activity as you can, get to a place where your H can do anything right now and it will not affect you. If you can achieve that then you end up with the power in your R with H .
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Find as much PMA improving activity as you can, get to a place where your H can do anything right now and it will not affect you. If you can achieve that then you end up with the power in your R with H
This is exactly where I find myself Dave, & what a nice & relaxing place it is.
On Saturday I told H once again that while I would have liked to save this M, I agree, it is impossible, really impossible, completely impossible & I will help him in any way I can to resolve what needs to be done.
He responded with, "What's impossible about it J, are you just going to give up another marriage?" Sat down & wanted me to explain what the problem was. I just replied once again that I agreed with him & was sure we could be great friends.
In the middle of this I answered a phone call finalizing plans to go to a concert that night & told him I better get moving, as I was taking S4 to my parents for a sleep-over. He wanted to know where I was going, what time, why I was in such a hurry if it wasn't for a few hours.
He once more told me how awful our M was, asked me if maybe be weren't chemically right for each other, that we just might be the type of people that rub each other the wrong way.
I responded that yes, it was awful, we might not be chemically right for each other & that we might rub each other the wrong way.
The next comment from him was, "It's time I end this". "If I did come back, do you think counseling would help?" "I'm afraid to ever came back, because it would be too hard to go through this again." "I hear you though, we'll talk next week. That was a great talk."
So, off he went for his Saturday date night & weekend with OW.
I don't know what he meant by "end this" & I'm not concerned about it.
He did call around noon & left a VM saying he would be here to take the boys out for dinner & I'm welcome to join them. Not sure if I want to go or not yet.
I've been reading the Homer e-book (skimming actually) almost everyday. This seems to be the right fit for me & has definitely improved my attitude & helped me detach to where I'm nice & calm.
So, I'm out to enjoy a beautiful day here, & finally can really do that without being consummed with "trying to make things work".
Just received another VM from my H saying he hadn't heard from me & wanting to know "if we're still on for tonight". He didn't sound all that sure & confident.
I didn't know we were on for tonight. The last message this morning didn't ask for any response & just said I was welcome to come if I wanted to.
).