Frank_D, I've just discovered you and your thread. I've been impressed. I think our sitches may be similar too.
Writing fast, 'cause I'm at work and will have to get back to it, I have two questions/comments for you, and anyone else who cares to express an opinion.
1. Can I get in on that 800 number conference call? Wow. 2. Your 4 agreements sound great. As always though, simple ideas can be hard to put into practice. For me, the 3rd agreeement is confusing. How can I ask questions of my W and express what I want when I shouldn't initiate R talks? How can I express what I want to my W when I need to give her space? I know it's tricky. I think part of the answer is ask once then drop it. You don't need to repeat yourself. Another part is that she knows what I want, I don't have to say it again. But...
Thanks.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
You know, I wonder if it would be interesting to have a conference call where we can all call a secured conference number anonymously and chat about these concepts. If anyone would be interested, I can set it up. It might be fun.
What do you think? Hey AmyC would you call in too? I can set up an 800 number.
That would be cool actually, I think a lot of people could get something really helpful out of it. More that just reading what's involved.... Hearing examples ect.
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Frank - you sound like a wise man. I really get confused on things -- today I could fall down, so drained. H gives me the speech (after 2 months of OW) when he was home (OTR driver) Pulls me to his lap, drags me to the couch and we just embrace all night. Next 2 days we are together (cycle rides/sex/hugging me/etc) then he hugs me when I leave for work -- emptied out his dresser, says he'd be in contact more often to see how I'm doing, now wants to take over some bills so I dont' have to stress myself more than what I am (nice guy eh?) So..since he's gone most of the time you'd think I could handle this better. I'm just devastated. I feel I should have been the one to say "it's the end" not him, I don't think he should be able to call it - he screwed up. MLC is confusing--going to a shrink - helping a tiny bit. I loved being married. I love him. The strange part is that EVERYONE except him, didn't see it coming. We both were good to each other, he's got this mindset that he's getting old and apparently not going there. He calls--we talk as if all is well, then he drops little bombs like splitting the bills. Too much of a reality for me. We had talked about putting our marriage on the back burner cuz my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I got enough on my mind. Then he calls. I don't know how to talk to him , we talk as if all is well--me thinking what you did -- "nice person" and might win him back. That don't work. He wants to be free. OW has 3 kids, jail record, lives with parents. I'm thinking he won't want to raise a family since he's already done that..but who knows. I'm venting and sooo sooo misrable cuz I just don't get it. I want to give it another month or so then say, see ya...maybe by then I'll mean it.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
Let's everyone please put their egos on hold and think about this:
Quote:
Do we sometimes find ourselves obsessing about someones situation? Do we sometimes put someone on a pedestal so we can cheer for them and forget our own difficult lives? Is that healthy for us?
Is it healthy for the person we admire, who is also in the same situation we're in RIGHT NOW, to be put under pressure to 'live up' to our expectations?
Could this kind of 'projection' have had an effect on our marriages also? Did we 'defend vigorously' our positions or ideas, even when there may not have actually been a threat?
I'm looking for some serious feedback here.
Ian? Amy? Annie? Don't you sometimes fell pressured when you hear "Oh you are so great! You're the master DB'er!" or any other over the top praise?
I know I do.
Everyone else, don't you sometimes think that you KNOW what is going on in someones sitch, and if someone says otherwise, well, you're going to have to 'straighten them out'? Then later you find out you were mistaken?
I know that sometimes I do.
Every one of you who are reading this, ask your self these questions. Are you putting a lot of weight on the success or failure of someones marriage as a way to 'live vicariously' through their drama? Maybe if they win, you'll win too? Or maybe if they FAIL, your failure wouldn't mean so much - to you?
I know that there are a few people here who I follow too closely, and I have an emotional 'investment' in the outcome. What about you?
This board is a place where we can look at ourselves, we can examine our lives and our relationships, and hopefully LEARN something about how we manage relationships.
So please, put your egos aside for a moment and think about what I've just said. Look inside and see if there's anything in my words that applies to your life.
Ian? Amy? Annie? Don't you sometimes fell pressured when you hear "Oh you are so great! You're the master DB'er!" or any other over the top praise?
Yep.
But that didn't bother me half as much as the fact that since I've been in a 6 month-long downhill slide, I can count on one hand the number of people that stuck around and are trying to help me through it. Hell I decided last night not to even start a new thread!
I've been called patient and wise, when the very next day I've sent my H to h*ll when H pushed me to my limits. I have no patience, hate living like a room mate, counting the days until I reach my "deadline" to finally ask H how long we'll be sleeping separately.
I was going to start a new positive thread, but I dont' have the heart yet, don't know where my M is going at this point, H still "working" on himself, but i'm starting to doubt how good the T sessions are if is uncapable of doing what the T is asking him to.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
But that didn't bother me half as much as the fact that since I've been in a 6 month-long downhill slide, I can count on one hand the number of people that stuck around and are trying to help me through it. Hell I decided last night not to even start a new thread!
Yeah, I have seen some of that on the board. It seems like there are a lot of people who are stuck in their egos and 'want' to be offended.
They're here to 'hear the truth' about life, but when the truth is told they get defensive.
I'm actually doing more off the board than on it. It's tiring to fight to be understood on the board all the time.
Frank, I don't think it's as much being stuck in their ego as maybe after seeing someone come out of the gate strong and be strong as I was for so long...they don't know what to say to me now that I'm at rock bottom and floundering. Some no doubt like seeing that but most I think just expect me to bounce back because I find a certain scripture and while that has certainly been enough in the past, this deep in the fire requires MORE. More of me and more of everything else, too. The fact is, just saying "Hey, I'm still reading and rooting for you" HELPS. That happens rarely though, except for my tiny die hard circle like you, COG, BND and a couple others. You know what? Thank you.
