RJ Lou, if you are reading along, I am wondering how you find the desire to always initiate when BB doesn't show you desire.
As much as I wished I were with a W with some of the HD traits here on the forum, I just have to come up with ideas that get me what I want with what is there, within our current R. (working with what is)
After I invested so much in getting to were we are financially, kid wise, grandkids, community, I and compare that to what I had as a kid, it looks fairly good to me sometimes. (comparing the before with the after)
On http://www.marriagebuilders.com they have several terms and concepts, two are "Love Bank" and "spending 15 hours a week" with your spouse. I do both most of the time so feel I am entitled to the fruits of a R. (you appreciate what you earn)
BB was the hot one in our early M. We spent too much money and I felt I had to pay off things ASAP. I worked too much so maybe I feel I need to do a bit more of the R police work. (trade off time)
RJ, I spend a fair amount of time rubbing something on BB. All of that contact gets my juices flowing sometimes and if BB is willing, I am going to indulge some.
Reading about how out of place it feels for a woman to initiate just gets me more determined to ignore some of BB resistance. Still, I don't want to be a pig/self-centered and force BB into doing something that is unpleasant for her. Added to that feeling I have to be careful, not take advantage of BB, is a basic shyness from all the things I heard and thought was true, women don't like sex that much and so on, coming here I read a different message.
I read about M's that go sexless and all the associated problems. No I don't want that to happen to our M. I know if I quit initiating, BB would be Ok with that MO for a while, till I quit the back/foot/hair rubs.
I know how much she would feel devastated if I had an OW or just moved out on my own. I know she can b!tch if I want sex but I bet she b!tches 10X if I left and lived on my own. The story of the person that complains they don't have the right color shoes then sees a person w/o feet comes to mind. (ignore some of the complaint)
RJ, I let go of some expectations and gave up on wanting some outcomes. If BB wants to stay fine. If she leaves fine.
In the mean time I AM going to do my part, get the benefits of living an almost normal life. I am not going to expect a whole lot but I am not holding my breath and waiting for BB to deliver the goods on a platter. What is mine, I am going to get at least some of it, maybe not what could be, but I am not settling for a starvation diet, you know just enough to keep you going so a person doesn't walk off right now. Sort of like the German POW camps http://www1.uni-hamburg.de/rz3a035//psychiatry.html 17.11.1942 Introduction of the "Hungerkost" (Starvation Diet) in many Reich institutions. Circa 90,000 people died as a result of this.
I also consider some of BB's medical conditions. (what is the probability/potential given the personality and physical conditions)
RJ, I have some desire sexually for BB but I also have my own desires/sex drive. I want to have sex with someone that wants to have sex with me. If that isn't the case, the next best is to have sex with someone that will have sex with me when my SD overcomes her and my internal resistance. Rub long enough and I can get there.
If BB cut me off, have an A, or did a few other deal breakers, I might start packing.
Till then I have to work with what is. I have a few issues of my own. I suppose if I lived with a composite of all of the women represented here on the SSM forum, that imaginary person would be positing a few things they didn’t like about me.
One thing would be I didn’t stand up to some of their challenges maybe or withdrawing when the R was rocky. So I have some of my own work to do, why not practice getting better right where I am.
