LO, my H was doing the same thing. When provoked, he said he would leave me because I do not appreciate what he has done. In your case, he thinks about leaving becuase he feels you won't be able to sustain your change. He is still confused. Good part, he is confused. He still does not know who he wants, which means he has not decided. Bad part, he still wants both. He is not ready to let her go (for whatever reason), yet he is not willing to let you go either (hence being super nice to you).
At some point, you will have to decide when you have tried everything. When you are ready, then you will be ready to give him the ultimatum. Hopefully that's the point when he thinks it's a "better" option to stay with you. If not, it may be better to let him go. If you do let him go, it does not mean he won't come back. He may, after leaving, to really see the real situation. Of course, you will have to be prepared that he is gone for good.
It is all your choice now. He will be happy to live in the current situaion for a long time. It is your choice whether to wait it out or not. I think about how my life actaully will be better without H, in terms of having more time for myself, don't have to spend time and energy on M but only working for myself and my kids. OTOH, I am commmitted to M and will do everything to save this M. But at some point, I will decide I cannot give anymore and wait any longer. Then it will be the ultimatum.
Give yourself sometime to calm down and see what it is that you want to do. You know your H best. Do not concentrate on his actions/talk when he is mad. Look at the whole picture and assess where you two (and OW) are at. If you give him LRT, and he comes back, what will your conditions be? If he does not, what are your plans moving forward? Will you be OK either way?
Hugs to you. It will be a tough decision. Only you know yourself and H enough to determine which path to take. Good luck. OC
LO, I'm sending lots of hugs your way. Please try to do something for yourself. Stay busy and out of his way. Don't let him consume you. Be happy in front of him. Don't let him know that he is pushing your buttons. Be that strong desirable woman and let the OW be the weak needy woman.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
LO, I'm another one in the same boat as you so I understand COMPLETELY. My H is still home, but still has contact with OW. He talks about the future (in general terms), we spend time together, we talk, we are intimate ... but right now it's a 3-legged marriage. I am trying hard to GAL and doing DB. Am seriously considering doing the online coaching.
I agree about the lying. It seems like they just don't know how to be honest anymore! With my H it seems to be mostly lies of omission. He thinks that by not telling me when he is going to see her, it's not a lie. He'll say he's running out to do an errand, but then is gone for 2-3 hrs. It's nearly impossible for me NOT to say something it pisses me off so much (and sometimes I can't).
The OW is pressuring him. She has a habit of calling him when we're together (usually after drinking way too much). She hangs up on him, is b*tchy to him, argues with him, etc. She did that yesterday. She had a 'tude cause he was out with his family (too bad). Apparently they argued a few days ago, too. But I know she's not always that way. It's very hard NOT to be consumed by her (especially because she really is a low-life).
I am trying hard to be the opposite. I know he's confused (and foggy). But it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Sometimes I get so angry with him and the entire situation I am ready to tell him to GET OUT. But then I think of our daughter, our home and everything we've worked for, etc. I was about at the end of my rope 2 weeks ago, but hung on, for dear life.
I think as long as our H's are in this state of confusion, it's a good thing for us. I keep thinking if he really wanted to be with her, he would be gone. Knowing that someone else is going through the same thing makes me feel better. I don't feel so alone.
We just have to keep asking God to grant us the patience of a saint. Hang in there.
>>It's like when he's pressured, he's certain D is the answer. Otherwise, everything is great and wonderful just as it... <<
I think the reason he feels D is the answer is because this problem just seems too big and overwhelming to work though. D seems like the easiest answer. And in some ways you have been agreeing with this. Neither of you are convinced you can make it through this.
>>he is most comfortable with leaving his family to start up a new life with someone who he has built a relationship with that is based on lies and deceit.<<
He probably feels the only thingl he's good for at this point is a "screwed up" relationship. She's the default if the marriage fails. She'll be the rebound. Unhealthy maybe, but a temporary resting place while he tries to get his head together.
>>When left unchallenged, he prefers to go along as is.. << He still needs the quiet and space to figure things out. And I don't think he wants to lose his family, but he knows he has done so much damage, and he thinks, maybe you guys will never recover.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Agreed wtih ROOT. My H said a few times at the heat of A, "If I want to leave, I would have. I won't be here. The easier path is to D." H always have control in life (not the little everyday stuff, but what he wants to be, where he is heading in life, etc.) and he told me he felt that the past year he has no control in life. Simply because he cannot find a solution to keep two women happy. There is no way. He knows he needs to choose but he cannot, or at least don't know how to minimize hte damage he has done. Easier to D and get it over with.
Deep inside I think he wants to be with you. OR at a minimum he knows that what he is doing is wrong. He just do not have the courage to dump OW. And he is terribly afraid. What if he dumps OW (which in his mind will totally destroy OW), comes back and finds that you are still the same person (or even worse after all these)? He would have chosen a "wrong" person/marriage for nothing!!! He may not know how to verbalize all these but it may be what he is thinking. Until he really wakes up and knows that he wants to be with you and have a committment, he will think D is easier since this M is already screwed up. But life with OW is a new start and he will have control/better life over there. Hang in there.
I agree with both root and ourcrisis. My XH like yours was unsure. I pushed him because I couldn't continue to live like that. I reached the point that I was done. It backfired...he chose the path of D because it was easier. I, like you, had dealt with his A for almost a year, but I knew that my life would go on without him...actually I came to the realization that there was a good chance that my life would be better without him. He was never going to be the man that I deserved. I'm not glad that marriage ended...I didn't want it to but I am much more at peace now one month after D than I was living on the rollercoaster ride from hell. Life goes on...with or without him.
My only advice is to live your life for yourself. You need to lose the fear. YOU CAN AND YOU WILL MAKE IT. Don't give an ultimatum or file for D if you aren't ready, but like I've said before, you need to stop being there emotionally for your H or I'm afraid that he will continue to ride the fence.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Ladies.. you area all so very right. Thanks so much for the support. I'm a mess again and I'm not sure why I suddenly fell off the wagon. I was ignoring (at least to his face) his contact w/ow and putting on this happy front to him for a long time and I just lost it recently - like I've reverted back to the begging and pleading pathetic Olive. I know that's got to STOP!!
I've been trying to figure out what was going on and what I was doing those times when H was "trying" to break it off w/ow. What has brought him closer to me. I think I have some clues. So, I'm starting there...
ROOT - I KNOW he doesn't want to lose his family. His daughter is his pride and joy. If she hasn't seen him much, she just sobs when he drops her off at school. It's got to be heartbreaking to think he won't see her every day. And, he knows the damage he's done and says he's disgusted with himself. I'm sure in some ways this feeling makes him want to make it ok w/ow and be there for her since she got divorced through this whole ordeal.
OC - You are right .. dumping ow will destroy her. I've seen tm where H's tried to dump her before and she doesn't do too well with that. Put on top of that her going through a divorce (painful no matter who you are) and you get a woman who needs a night in shining armor.
Hope - yes.. I need to do it in my time. I feel like I need to build up the good again first...
Well.. off to work. I only feel slightly sick to my stomach today
So.. does the guilt and self-loathing actually keep them with the op instead of driving them apart?
I think that it can keep them with the OP....the WAS starts to believe that is all they deserve. They will convince themselves that they are not worthy of you....I really believe that's what happened in my sitch.
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Or... does the disgust with themselves eventually turn to disgust for the op... ??
I would assume it eventually does...but it might take years. They will grow to resent the OP...they have to. How could you not resent the person that destroyed your family?
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
