I was looking for answers for my own situation, and found this. Not that it will stop what is going on, but may give you some insight to why the xh's act the way they do.
For me, it often appeared as revenge, and this is the reason I am leaving this:
The Paradox of Revenge Revenge originates from the primal need for self-defense. In today's world, it is often abused as a destructive and futile response to anger or humiliation. Exhaust all alternatives before considering revenge, and use revenge only if it is your only effective self-defense. Why do you believe it is your only alternative? Why do you believe it will be effective? Describe why you believe revenge addresses the cause and will have the effect you want.
Most strategies for revenge fail because they attempt to change the past. Unfortunately once the damage is done and the injury, insult, humiliation, or other loss occurs, the clock cannot be turned back and the loss is permanent. In addition, the value of the loss to the offended is seen as much greater than any benefit gained by the offender. As a result the offense represents an unrecoverable loss to society as a whole. Successful strategies for revenge look far into the future and recognize that the cycle of vengeance and retaliation can only spiral toward tragedy and are best stopped before they are started.
Revenge is a doomed attempt to eliminate shame and increase status by asserting dominance. It fails because asserting dominance does not increase status, instead it usually increases violence. Also, remorse cannot be coerced, it has to be discovered.
Evidence indicates that forgiveness increases self-esteem and decreases anxiety.
Just a thought, as I hope it will help.
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
