I can relate to that...I think, really, I have done the same thing, more or less, irt the "detaching" thing...not initiating, etc. I think maybe I even came to the same basic conclusion before reading some of the books that are bandied about here, but the quote you mention from Schnarch kind of cemented it: Why do you want sex so badly with someone who clearly doesn't want it? {queue: car-screeching-brake-sound, needle-scratch-on-LP-sound}
um...good question.
"What is it about YOU that makes that kind of interaction okay?"
Who said it was?
as for the rest, I may have taken a slightly different route, but arrived in the same place, anyway.
"...However, this is also the unfused me who is saying "I am attractive and sexy... couldn't say about the "fusion", but as to the rest, the evidence overwhelminly favors the opposite conclusion. ...mostly I like sex with persons who like sex with me. I wouldn't actually know, but it certainly seems logical. In this way I quit throwing myself up against a brick wall. Yes. This, I totaly understand. I treat myself like a person of sexual worth. Hmm. not so sure about that. But it does seem to help to have some understanding, it doesn't do much to solve the problem. And some would call this "withdrawing", and say that it is bad. Totally self-defensive, imo. Anyway...I understand where you're coming from.
