hiya...

I'm going to mention something... not to brag, but hopefuly, to help you feel more willing to take my suggestions:

Did you notice, that I was basically right on the money, that you never really asked?

Sorry, but asking one time, doesnt count ;\)
asking one time, and then never asking again, is tantamount to saying "ok i really dont need that from you. 'cause we tried it once and I didnt like it and it's just not important to me".

Instead of making clear it was important to you... you gave up, and went silent.
Hmm.... kinda like the whole bigger picture on sex frequency too.



Quote:
I asked for a return once ------ he didn't say anything but stroked me instead and kind of half heartedly. I was always told not to discuss sex while having sex but short of adressing right then and right there the sexual rudeness being displayed I could never figure out just what to say.


To me, that says that he is possibly shy about it, and doesnt really know what to do. (and/or is initially uncomfortable with the idea, because it's new and "different")
That says to me, that he needs encouragement. (or maybe, for you to just totally dominate him, and tell him what to do. ahahaha...)

As far as "discussing during sex"...
There's a difference between "discussing", and "communicating".

Discussing is, "well, I think that such and such is a good idea. what do you think? oh really? well, that's interesting, and I'd say..."

Communicating, in contrast, can take many forms, and communicating during sex, is always good!.
It's not about rudeness, it's about communicating with each other about your needs and enjoyment.





....warning.... graphic stuff ahead....




Smiling and saying "uhuh!" is communicating. A happy moan is communicating. Saying "owch" is communicating.
"A bit to the left"/"harder"/"slower" is communicating.

opening your legs and wiggling is communicating.

Telling him, "dammit, eat my p**** NOW!" [with optional "you worthless dog/ferengi/b'tak scum"] is communicating.

So is grabbing his head by the hair and positioning him there \:\)
Or, for that matter, positioning yourself. (ie: if you've got him on his back, and you are first "taking care of" him from on top
sneak attack 69? heh.
it's surprising what people end up doing, when the hormones are freely rushing around the body.


Some styles of communication are more effective than others. Some work better on different days. But the most important thing, is to communicate, and keep those communication lines open, during the whole event.

I think that there are two basic types of communication during sex:

type 1: "I'd like you to ...." [try this/stop that/over there..]

type 2: "Oooh, i LIKE THAT!" (maybe words, or just sounds, or
other styles of "communicating" ;\)

(Note that I omitted the "I dont like that" part. that is actually deliberate. thats' best for afterwards, not before)

I think that if you try about 5-10% of type 1, and 90% type 2, you might be a whole lot happier with your sex life.

so far, sounds like you've tried about 0.0001% of type 1.
I'm guessing that perhaps you havent done so much type 2 either.
Or at least, not in a style that really triggers him.

Heh... if there are 5 relationship "love languages", maybe there are also [?] different "sex languages"? \:D

----------------------------------------

Quote:

I don't mean discussions to take 2 hours but once they start they always do. Once they start they always involve my H giving a lengthy diatribe of all the stresses in his life as if they are supposed to explain lack of engagement in the R forever more.


ok, so you two have a major problem in how you discuss things.
I think that it is critical that you have to short-circuit this somehow, and work out a better model on how to discuss things. Not to mention an agreed-upon set of priorities.

one way would be... (surprise surprise) the direct approach \:D

You could tell him, either as soon as he starts, but perhaps even better up front:


"Honey, I know that you have various stresses in your life already. The thing is, they are pretty much all of your choosing.
I acknowlege that they can make things tough or tiring for you, but they are messing up our marriage. So, if you want to tell me that XYZ is stressing you right now, and it's getting in the way of you taking care of our marriage: follow that up with, What are you going to do about getting RID OF the stress from XYZ?
If you would like my help in that, I would love to help you in any way I can... so long as what I do, involves you putting less stress/energy into XYZ, and so freeing up more energy into us.

[optional: "I havent noticed that me leaving you alone, helps our marriage any. It just seems to give you more room to accumulate even more work stress"]

If, on the other hand, they are unavoidable and non-improvable "because of your job", then it's time for you to get a different job. Unless you want to tell me that your job is more important to you than our marriage."




Wouldnt you say that pretty effectively cuts off his whole line of avoidance?

You might even want to make this, the first "15 minute talk" in and of itself.
Then, some other day, tackle 1 of the other major issues beween you.


Hope you find this useful.


PS: he's NEVER "gone down" on you? oh my goodness you poor woman
no wonder you're sexually frustrated \:D


Last edited by Dom R; 10/01/07 08:09 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle