Yes, I am Back

[CabanaBoy]

I thought that I'd give some further details about what triggered some old feelings a few weeks back and how I was simply getting to understand what those feelings meant and how I could learn from all this.

As some of you know (and most don't) I am adult diagnosed with ADHD. Not a big deal but it helped me understand why growing up my grades lagged but I tested in AP levels. I wished this was known while I was in school, it would have made things easier in studies.

I do not care what they call it or label it but ADHD is simply an attetion problem and with the right diet, exercise and patients from parents, it is very easy to steer childeren in the right direction.

Since I lead a lifestyle that is perfect for the ADD in me, it is not good for keeping me focused and on top of things. I take a medication called Adderall and is of the same family as Ritalin, only stronger and time releaased.

I take time off of my medication, I can live without it, I've learned what I have to do to cope on my own. It isn't a big deal, you just have to organise your life like everyone else and complete tasks in the order they are due. Sounds easy, but not if your are juggling a million things. Everyone is busy, I know, but it is even harder for people like me.

So, I recently went back to taking my medication after a few months off of it and was precribed a stronger dose and there in lies the problem. I could feel the dose was stronger, physically. I called the doctor and she told me to take one a day until I was able to take three a day. The medication (when taking a stronger dose for the firs time) is like drinking Red Bull and then slamming down some esspresso as chassers. I was VERY focused in what I was doing so much that I had to peel myself off the computer!

What this did was trigger an anxiety attack. I've only had one and that was when the D was dropped on me or sometime around that event. I had this feeling of anxiety and didn't know why, it became worse and you guessed it, the X fit the mold and I freaked out on her for no apparent reason. All kinds of feelings came rushing in over a two week period. After a few days of being alone with my feelings, I realized that it was the medication that triggered my feelings of anxiety. Half the battle was knowing it was the medication, the other half was undoing the damage I had done.

This hit all areas of my life, I yelled at my mom, I yelled at the X, I was a pain in the ass at work, I was miserable. I cannot explain the feeling but it is horrible. I am just now really getting over the anxiety and the parralyzing effect it had on me and around me.

I smoothed things out with the X. She understood what had happened and accepted my appollogy. She didn't take it personally but while the spat was going on, it only took her a second to get back into that fighting shape of hers. Instead of being a calming corner, she was simply clashing with me. When I was in that state of axiety, all I wanted was for someone to hear me out and I didn't get that from anyone but GF, which makes her an angel in my eyes. The way she remained calm and collected had a calming effect on me. GF knew she wasn't the problem and was secure enough to simply ride my storm out.

Folks, this doesn't happen to me, I've only had one other panic attack and even then it took me years to figure out what had happened. So when these feelings come in, they are a huge storm of mixed feelings, so much so I am in dispare.

That will clear some things up and give you more of the puzzle to see the entire picture. Before the anxiety, things were fine in my life with GF,X, family, etc. I simply wonder sometimes if maybe I still have feelings for X? If this is a passing thing? or maybe it was meant as a wake up call to me? I don't know and that is why I am here, spilling my guts out on this thread.

I know that as far as GF goes, I need to get to a certain point in my life where I am comfortable with myself. I'm just about there, but I have some goals I have to reach in this recovery process I have. It isn't just the X I'm talking about, far from it. It has to do with other aspects of what my D has done to me, in many other areas in my life and I'm just about to put a close to the recovery. There is just a certain "Icing on the cake" type event I am in the midst of sealing shut.

So, there is more to read about life as me. There are a few other things I'll open up about that has effects on my life and R with everyone close to me. I'll write more about this later tonight when I have more time. Until I paint the entire picture (which I'll finish tonight) I'm not sure that advise I get here is accurate. I have only my self to blame because I didn't give all of you the entire scope of what has been going on. I didn't want to but I later knew that I had to bare it all to work past these issues of mine.

More to come............................