Bless you, Angelica, for guiding us through the understanding of what has happened in our lives with your insightful threads!
Great topic. And, such a quirky one....the "passivity".....
It's always odd to me that someone who is on a mission to take control of their lives, and actively destroys it in the process, also willingly takes on a passive role that places them as the victim. When being a victim is what drives them to take control. And around and round we go.....
A lot of this, from my observations, has been the product of lies (to us, others and self) and a selective and deliberate misunderstanding of things. Like your H's "why do I have a bad R with the boys??" is him choosing to only see 4 out of 89 things in the picture.
What eludes these folks is that real power in your life means you take control, in a non-destructive way. You realize that you have all the power you want in your life, you simply place yourself in a different seat to do that. And, you let go of the things you don't.
Of course, they want to remain blameless in the consequences of their actions.
My H asked me to move out - yet he constantly tells others I left him and "cut him out of my life" when he asked for that too.
He says that I placed him in the position of being mean and harsh...that he had no other way. The fact is that he CHOOSES those ways and not to find another way to behave.
Everything....I mean EVERYTHING, is either my fault, works fault, co-workers fault, the ghosts that hate him....something, someone. NEVER HIM. Everyone is sabatoging him, out to get him, screw him over, life is so unfair, why him, does anyone know what it feels like, and he literally does not see the obvious facts of why he is there. It's amazing. It's dumbfounding.
In my case, I see H do this to me, and I also see him do it in the workplace. And, I have the added reward of seeing the reactions of everyone around him when plays the blame game.
So, he's left to rage against himself, the world, work, his M, his relationships. He struggles to have control, but thrives on not having any at all. Beating yourself against the wall of your own demons.
Truth be told, it was very revealing. I was raised so differently and have such a different worldview. I have a strong bias and cannot stand whiney, blameful, victim-complex men. And, it's incredible how long in my H I listened to that and supported someone who could never be supported enough. It was draining and overwhelming to be with someone so needy. ANd, being away from it for so long, just hearing of it, and listening to it for 10 minutes is enough to send me off the deep end.
