Saffie thanks again for your response. My wife and I know each other enough where we both know it wasn't about the garbage. She needed a reason for me to come over and talk. She is not using me because she really is confused what she wants. Saffie can you be so sure the OM won't be there for the long term. She's conformted him when he's been mad at work and he's said he loves her too. How can I be sure based on that? Saffie one more thing, he is getting a vascetemy in the next few weeks. I worry that once he gets that, that they will feel closer if they can physically do something without protection. I know I sound like an idiot but I am worried sick about it. Maybe that will make him perform better and then she will want him more. And is the comment that she felt weird sleeping in the house and didn't sleep as soundly in the house mean that she is having more doubts about our relationship. I'm so sorry for sounding like a fool :-( But I truly appreciate all your good advice and I pray you are right about OM not being a threat.
You're wife is being strung along by a guy with sexual problems. You don't become impotent from having a fat wife. It may take your wife a while to wake and smell the coffee, but OM is not a replacement for you.
You're doing a great job being there for her. Let her come to you. You don't have to rush over there to do everything. Make it easier for her to just move back home where things make sense.
Don't listen to the whining she does. She asked to come sleep at your house. She shouldn't be complaining about the quality of the sleep. She just doesn't want to accept that things are better at home.
I would give her the sex she wants. I believe that sex is perhaps the strongest link between people. Make it so good he can't possibly measure up. She wants him to be something he isn't. Eventually she will face reality and see the real him. Right now she's still dreaming.
Sara thanks for advice. My wife was NOT complaining about the sleep quality at all. She was just questioning the fact it felt sort of weird after not being there for the week and thought she would sleep more soundly being with me. In other words I'm scared she didn't feel more secure being there almost like it was a bad idea. Again she didn't say that but I worry about that. And your sex comment is right, it's the strongest link, So if he DOES perform, what's stopping her from even being more in love with him if he does, plus they won't need protection after his vasectamy. A guy's lack of performance doesnt last forever. Am I too paranoid and do you think think I have a chance.
From what you have posted about OM he sounds a temperemental so and so. If he is done with his M why would he talk to his W about dinner? Something doesn't add up. Also if he has erectile problems then I really can't see a vasectomy changing that. Truly GISH SOMETHING does not add up. Is you W a softy at heart? It sounds like she is being taken in. OM may have erectile problems because he feels guilty about his own W and what he is doing. He does not sound very straight forward or truthful. AND even if he were, after a while a frustrating sex life would drive your W away. Promise. It's bad enough to have these sort of problems in a good strong relationship but to not be able to do it at the beginning when things are meant to be at their most exciting? I guess maybe OM is having an A because he thinks that it is his R with his W that is making him have a problem. If he has a problem with your W too it will only be a matter of time before either he blames her too or she feels rejected. My H had trouble doing it with OW when he had an A. The chemistry was not right, they weren't well matched physically and also he had massive guilt problems, ( which he never admitted to OW but he did to me. He told OW it was because he was no good with condoms but HE AND I KNOW that's not true!!).
I think your wife is feeling needy - which is why she couldn't settle at her apartment. I also think from what you have said she doesn't like being alone. You fill the gaps when OM isn't around. STOP doing that right away. Make it so that if she is going to contemplate walking away she realises what that means. IT MEANS SHE LOSES HER RIGHT TO HAVE YOU COMFORT HER WHENEVER SHE WANTS. She lost that RIGHT when she decided to play with OM.
I think she couldn't sleep well with you because of her GUILT. She knows she is using you. WE can all see that. YOU must stop her doing that. How can she appreciate all you do for her if you keep on doing it. Make her miss you - that's what OM does when he's not around. She cannot have you both and he is a dead loss long term. I am a woman, I can see that from what you tell me. HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.
I expect OM also puts pressure on your W when she has been with you. He is probably jealous and also very frustrated if he knows you and your W ML and he can't. By the way,do you want to sleep with OM? I ask because that is exactly what you will be doing if your W sleeps with him and then you do with her - YUCK. That's how I felt about my H and OW - just YUCK. Made me want to throw up. I never did that knowingly and would not. Only way to stop that for certain is for you not to sleep with your W. Let her understand what she will be missing.
You are filling emotional gaps for your W that she needs to see and feel in order to appreciate what she will be missing without you - please make her want you. Think of it as dating again. Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
That depends on what's causing it. How old is this guy? Does he drink or smoke? If he has tried to 'get it up' already with your W and hasn't managed it there is a reason over and above the fat wife one. To be honest and frank, I would have expected him to be premature and over excited if he hadn't done it in a while - not have trouble keeping it up. REALLY - this guy is making excuses.
Quote:
Am I too paranoid and do you think think I have a chance.
YES and YES. Can You hear me shouting it across the Ocean at you. I am tapping my keyboard so hard with frustration, (NOT SEXUAL I HASTEN TO ADD, and not PMT - hah!!).
GISH, wake up and smell the coffee - please.
Is your W a really mild natured lady? She seems to have been taken in. This guy is no good.
I can see what Sara says about the sex being a connection, but in this instance, especially whilst OM is having problems, then don't just satisfy your wife whenever she wants sex. Leave her frustrated and wanting more. I'm guessing by your vasectomy comments that he has blamed using condoms on his prowess, (or lack of should I say) - JUST NOT TRUE. I think after vasectomy he will be 'sore' and say doctor say's he cannot have sex for a while. this guy is a faker. EXCUSES, EXCUSES, EXCUSES.......
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie, I think she feels sorry for him in a way. She said he feels like a shell of a man and has been emotionally beaten down by his wife over the years. SHe said he is just going through alot of financial issues, etc and is just depressed, not temperamental. And I think that have done the act, just not all the way until he finishes. AND IS THIS A GOOD SIGN. The 3 times my wife and I have slept together including Sunday, she says she is NOT going to tell him. Is that a good sign that she is keeping that from him (she says he would be hurt is the other reason)???
I made sure OW new H and I ML as soon as we did. I made sure she knew it was good. They never touched one another again.
Your W sounds gullible. OM has got her taped. It's only a matter of time before it collapses. Tell me GISH why would your W want a guy long term who can't get it up and has depression and financial problems? She doesn't. She is flattered by the attention she is getting. When the excitement wears off she will see him for the drag he is. Especially if you stop propping her up and let her see the big bad world out there without you.
You don't have to be horrid but you don't have to be treated with such disrespect either. You are HUMAN and you have FEELINGS.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
He's exactly our age, 44. No he does not smoke or drink. He's into health and fitness (in fact he's a vegetarian). But again, he HAS BEEN ABLE to physically do the "act", he just has not been able to go until completion. I'm sick to my stomach even thinking about it but part of me believes what you are saying about the whole sex thing. She is very mild natured, and nurturing and does have great patience which may work against everything, since she may well be patient with him if she thinks she loves him.
Saffie I thought about telling him, but I think at this stage it would push my wife even further away more because she would blame me for ruining it with him. Thanks for saying I am human and have feelings, but I don't see it as disrespect. I see it as my wife wants to feel loved and is confused.
he HAS BEEN ABLE to physically do the "act", he just has not been able to go until completion.
This was exactly the position with my H. Believe me. This is not a line I am feeding you to make you feel better. Reliving my H's A hurts me. I am being completely open and honest with you to try and show you that it is not the done deal you think it is. The fact that he has not been able to complete is good. this guy has problems. It might be the depression, it might be physiological, he might be gay and fighting it, he might feel guilty, it might be for lots of reasons...... but it IS and that is good - honest.
Do you know who he is. Can you verify what he say's about his W's size is true?
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
