This also posted under "Newcomers"

[saffie]

From what you have posted about OM he sounds a temperemental so and so. If he is done with his M why would he talk to his W about dinner? Something doesn't add up. Also if he has erectile problems then I really can't see a vasectomy changing that. Truly GISH SOMETHING does not add up. Is you W a softy at heart? It sounds like she is being taken in. OM may have erectile problems because he feels guilty about his own W and what he is doing. He does not sound very straight forward or truthful. AND even if he were, after a while a frustrating sex life would drive your W away. Promise. It's bad enough to have these sort of problems in a good strong relationship but to not be able to do it at the beginning when things are meant to be at their most exciting? I guess maybe OM is having an A because he thinks that it is his R with his W that is making him have a problem. If he has a problem with your W too it will only be a matter of time before either he blames her too or she feels rejected. My H had trouble doing it with OW when he had an A. The chemistry was not right, they weren't well matched physically and also he had massive guilt problems, ( which he never admitted to OW but he did to me. He told OW it was because he was no good with condoms but HE AND I KNOW that's not true!!).

I think your wife is feeling needy - which is why she couldn't settle at her apartment. I also think from what you have said she doesn't like being alone. You fill the gaps when OM isn't around. STOP doing that right away. Make it so that if she is going to contemplate walking away she realises what that means. IT MEANS SHE LOSES HER RIGHT TO HAVE YOU COMFORT HER WHENEVER SHE WANTS. She lost that RIGHT when she decided to play with OM.

I think she couldn't sleep well with you because of her GUILT. She knows she is using you. WE can all see that. YOU must stop her doing that. How can she appreciate all you do for her if you keep on doing it. Make her miss you - that's what OM does when he's not around. She cannot have you both and he is a dead loss long term. I am a woman, I can see that from what you tell me. HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF.

I expect OM also puts pressure on your W when she has been with you. He is probably jealous and also very frustrated if he knows you and your W ML and he can't. By the way,do you want to sleep with OM? I ask because that is exactly what you will be doing if your W sleeps with him and then you do with her - YUCK. That's how I felt about my H and OW - just YUCK. Made me want to throw up. I never did that knowingly and would not. Only way to stop that for certain is for you not to sleep with your W. Let her understand what she will be missing.

You are filling emotional gaps for your W that she needs to see and feel in order to appreciate what she will be missing without you - please make her want you. Think of it as dating again.

Saffie