My divorce was final about one month ago. We were married for 12 years and fought a lot. I would like to give more history if anyone could use it to give better advice.
Divorce proceedings lasted more than one year. All along my wife insisted that there was no one else. I found out today when I stopped by the house and her new boyfriend was working on her (our) house. She couldn't even wait until the divorce was final to hook up with another man. There doesn't seem to be any end to her anger toward me. I never saw another woman during our entire marriage and don't see how she could possibly date right now. That is the last thing that is on my mind.
We have three beautiful, young girls. Do these things ever turn around? I still love her, but after today's events, it seems very difficult to go back to her. Her parents are very bitter and negative and I know they don't care for me and haven't for a long time. I'm sure this doesn't help.
It's been almost 15 months (one month since divorce). Need encouragement and some hope. Seems like it could be years.
Hang in there, it's a tough situation. As for her seeing someone else unfortunately you have no control over what she does but you have all the control over yourself. Don't beat yourself up over her decision and the path she chooses, it shows her character. Maybe it's her way of dealing with the situation by covering up her feelings rather than facing the situation, who knows?
Now that the divorce is final you really need to shift your focus away from her and the past. I know it's very hard but you need to look ahead, it's very important for you, your kids and perhaps even for your relationship with your XW in the future. You have to really just ignore her completely and rebuild your life and if that includes another woman, if you want to, that's OK - I'm sure some here will disagree with me but how much longer are you willing to wait for her? This is the time you need to take stock and decide that so far nothing has changed her mind so you've got to change your actions and behavior because no matter how noble she's not willing to notice them. Do things opposite, go out start enjoying life. You don't need her, you need friends, family, counselors and good times.
Use the divorce as a turning point and an opportunity to implement the changes. Stay in your friends and family's company, you need a support circle, see a counselor regularly and see if that helps you reach your goals. The goals should not include your XW at this time. You need to shift focus.
Me: 32|W: 34|D: 3yo 1st bomb: Feb 2006 (left one day, came back a week later) 2nd bomb: Aug 2006 (moved out, ILYBNILWY) 3rd bomb: Apr 2007 (filed for divorce) 4th bomb: <her finger on the launch button>
Thanks for the thoughts. Good advice. I just don't get the anger thing. It's been over a year and it just seems to get worse. I thought we could at least communicate without all the bickering. I've thought that maybe this is the best thing she could do now, so I could try to move on.
The walk-away needs the anger. It's a mechanism to enable them to detach... It takes a ton of anger in order to justify walking out on a marriage.
The best thing you can do is listen and validate those feelings. Often, when you stop resisting, and just let your spouse ramble on, they'll suddenly run out of steam.
Thank you azhira. I have been a member of this site for several months, but have never posted until last weekend. Finding out that my ex is seeing another man hurt worse than getting the divorce notice in the mail. I'm going to do everything I can to get this to work out. I know it could take a long time. I hope to get the WAW perspective. When I found out about this last Saturday morning, I left a msg on her cell phone that I hope he can make her happy and that the situation really hurts right now. That's about it. Haven't heard from her since. I also saw her brother Saturday afternoon. I haven't talked to him much since this started. He said he is so sick of listening to her complain about me that he refuses to listen to it any more. I'm assuming she's going to eventually going to run out of an audience.
Any advice on her recent relationship? I heard these things usually don't last? I'm sure it started several months before the divorce was finalized, which lasted about 8 months after being separated for 4 months.
Thanks also for the link. I'm going to read your post tonight.
I left my WAW a note in her mailbox this afternoon. After just finding out about the OM, I felt like I needed to at least get a few things off my chest (especially regarding the kids):
1. She got into this relationship before our divorce was finalized. Everything I have read is that it is not good for the kids to be around this. She didn't make any attempt to be discreet around the kids with this guy. I think I have a right to be a little concerned?
2. I'll get over it eventually, but right now I feel really awful.
I left a couple voice mails, but she never got back to me. Guessing this isn't in the Dbusting manual, but finding out about the OM has been a really painful experience. Only upside I see is that these relationships apparently almost never last. She also only wants to communicate by email regarding any issues involving the kids. I hope this is only a short-term thing. It seems really immature. I'm trying to schedule parent-teacher conferences right now and she won't get back to me.
Another thing I've been kind of curious about is the average length of time to reconcile a marriage after the spouse has walked out. It seems with marriages that last around 10 yrs that there is usually about a 2-3 yr time frame if reconciliation is successful. It would be good to get Azhira's input. She seems to be dialed into the WAW thought process pretty well.
I found out through a mutual friend that WAW didn't appreciate my note. I accused her of having an affair, because the relationship started before the divorce was finalized. Probably not smart. Right now, I just want to know what the kids are doing and where they're staying. She is going out of town this weekend to run in a Marathon. I said that I wanted to know where they were staying and who is going to be watching the kids. I feel that it is not healthy for the kids to be around her boyfriend this soon after the divorce. Any thoughts?
I will get over the OM thing, but it will take a bit of time. This is a long-distance relationship. He lives a couple hours away. Also found out that she vents with her brother at least once per week about what a terrible person I am and how much she dislikes me. Her brother finally said he didn't want to listen to it any more after putting up with it for months. I think the sounding board is shrinking. Any relationship between how much she hates me and my odds of ever working this out? I feel like if this is over in her mind, why does she keep this tirade about me going?
Her circle of friends seems to have grown very small. She only associates with people that are in similar situations or agree with her. Will she ever try to return to her friends? The few times I see her, she seems to have aged and is very bitter and angry. I hope this OM is really just a distraction and I also know that I really need to quit worrying about it. He has already started working on our house when he is there. Seems really odd to be doing this. I know they have also spent some time away over the weekends. She also accuses me of trying to contact her family and friends. I haven't spoken to any of her friends except for a mutual one for many months. I didn't see any harm in talking to her brother. I was Best Man in his wedding.
Anyway - need lots of advice. What is the WAW thinking? She seems like a totally different person.
It does not seem uncommon that the WAS's circle may grow smaller, as they seem to associate only with those who support them. In my case, my WAW has nothing to do with my family (who considered her as a very much loved member), and many of our mutual friends. This woman was the ultimate party planner and enjoyed everyone's kids, but in relationships where perhaps the couple was originally introduced by me (in many cases 13 yrs ago) she has avoided contact.
I agree that it does not seem healthy for the kids to be only around the bf this soon after the divorce. Does your decree state anything regarding this area?
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Any relationship between how much she hates me and my odds of ever working this out? I feel like if this is over in her mind, why does she keep this tirade about me going?
Hate is a strong emotion and most likely will not last. As to why she keeps up the tirade, who knows. Perhaps she needs to continue to support her choice to leave. I know it is much easier said than done, but it seems you need to continue to detach and take care of yourself.
I would agree that she should not be concerned about your relationship with her brother.
As far as what the WAW is thinking there is a good thread on the Infidelity/Jealousy forum by someone named Prodigal Wife who was a WAW and gives her side as to why she left, had an A, and eventually returned to her H. (sorry, I am not sure how to link you there, but last time I looked it was located on tab 5 or so).
I am by no means an expert, but I wish you the best!
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
Thank you JMC. This has been a really rough week. I know it will eventually pass, but it has been really, really rough. I'm very fortunate with my job right now in that things are slow. If I needed much concentration, I don't think I could do it.
Me: 48 Ex-W: 45 M: Nov '96, together since Oct 93 Bomb: on 10-yr anni - Nov '06 OM Separated: mid-Feb '07 Divorced mid-July '08 One daughter - 28 XW living w/OM
