The Good, the Bad, and the Funny 4

[mkultra]

Maybe I am rewriting history too. Maybe that is another stage of detaching. Instead of thinking of H on a pedestal I am remembering all the horrible things he did so I can let go. I am all about balance, but I am going to go with this feeling for now.

My H was deceitful during my first pregnancy. He had secretly withdrawn from University and went on an academic probation. He still pretended to go to classes, but just meandered in cafes and book stores. Kind of like now. He even pretended to go to study for classes he was not even attending.

Second pregnancy and he became odd about naming the baby. H has the same name as my father and his grandfather. I always thought it was the best choice for a name. He kept quiet about it. Then, on the way to the hospital he blew up. Said no son would have his name, be a Junior!. We did not know the sex yet. But he flipped out and said absolutely never! Yelling full throttle. I guess he hates himself so much the thought of a son, another male, the same name, just sent him over the edge. I cried during my hard labour. Of course, everyone assumed it was the labor, but I wept alone knowing he ruined what was supposed to be the best day of my life. It was traumatizing. My Son was born and we picked a different name. His face was not even completely birthed, sorry so graphic, and my H sighed that this baby looked exactly like him. Eyes, hair, bone structure. Exactly, and this dissappointed him for some reason. Can anyone spell self hatred. They have not really bonded. Maybe someday I hope.

The worst part was realizing he loved his mistress. I cried sayinghow it was me that wanted another baby and now he was planning a new life with a new woman who would probably want to get married and have kids someday. He yelled, "I already gave you two kids!"

As if his jail sentence was over so let him get on with his new life and leave me and my kids like second class citizens.