Well, Saffie the day is fast approaching. D day is just two weeks away now. I have asked W to come home 3 times in the past seven months. Told her I did not think a divorce was the best thing for our family.
I am stuck in the middle. I want to ask her if she would be willing to delay the D for a few months so we can see if we can maybe save our marriage. But, the adive in the the DR book and on the forum is that I should not do that.
So I guess I just go to court, get divorced, and continue to move on with life. I really am not interested in dating or starting a new R. I still hope we can stope this. Should I call her and ask if she would be willing to slow down the proceedings for a few months?
Yes, I think if you want to slow things down you should say something. The worst that can happen is she will say no, she wants everything to continue as scheduled. You're considering letting that happen anyway.
But why accept defeat without trying? Marriage is about communication. If there's no communication, how can you hope to fix the marriage? The best thing I learned about saving my marriage was to spend time with my husband and talk to him. The mistake I made was to let silence grow in our marriage. Once we had that silence and coldness, there was almost no way to undo it. Breaking through the silence was the hardest part. If you have something to say, by all means say it. Say it thoughtfully and considerately, and with feeling. But not the ugly begging, crying, pleading, needy way. Say it will hope for the future and compassion for the past.
Thanks sara, I did writhe her a letter last week apologizing for my contribution for the faileds marriage. I did not place any of the balme on her or pass judgement. It was a sincere amend.
So, I will carefully plan out what I have to say and practice it before I make the call.
Good. Letters are a wonderful way to present ideas to another person to get them thinking.
Be sure to talk only about yourself, and how you feel about things. Let her talk about herself. If you talk about her then it feels like you are accusing her of things, and that starts arguments.
You should ask her questions about how she feels so you can better understand her feelings, but don't ever tell her she's wrong to feel the way she does. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong.
Should I call her and ask if she would be willing to slow down the proceedings for a few months?
SL
Do not ask questions if you are not prepared to hear the answers. Sandline, where are you with you? What steps have you been making in repairing the connection to you? What has been your focus? You want to make this all go away with the snap of a finger or the right word. As cliché as it sounds, action speaks louder than words. I have yet to see a post where you are making progress on changing something about you. I challenge you not to post about your wife today. Who is Sandline?
PLEASE HELP ON THIS ONE...Saturday my wife say OM at work. He's been claiming he hates his own wife, etc but while my wife was talking on cell to me, he called his and asked what she wanted for dinner. My wife thought something didn't add up that he had to call his soon to be ex just because she was talking with me. She told him that Sunday she was spending the day with our son and me. He got pizzed and commented, "Oh what? Are you moving back in with him Sunday too"? "You'll probably be back with him in 6 months" So Sunday comes and we have a wonderful day together with our son. We come back to our house and my wife helps with our bills and some cleaning together. While I'm upstaris she comes in the bedroom and lies down. She says she is just so exhausted she could fall asleep. I don't know if I was wrong but I just had a feeling that she wanted to be with me at the moment. I lied next to her and massaged her and then it led to love making. BUT even though she was intially enjoying it, she still didn't want to kiss or change positions and at the end said she shouldn't be doing this. She didn't cry and wasn't upset with me, she just said it was wrong doing that with me because she still has feelings for the OM. We talked awhile about how she needs space to figure out what she wants. She says she is not ruling us out but just needs to see if she can give this relationship with the OM a chance to see if that will make her happy. She says she hates it at her apartment and sometimes does wish she would come home but with the OM now it's not that simple. She says she finally realizes that I do love her and care about her which she hasn't felt from me in awhile. She went to her apartment after that but 10 mins later she calls me and asks if I can come over to help her take her garbage out to the curb and to help her change a light. I went as quick as I could and helped her. We talked alittle while longer. She opened up with more information about the OM. She says sometimes it feels like he's pushing her away. I asked her if she thinks he has sex with his wife still and she says "NO, I know for a fact" I ask why and she says because his wife has become fat and he won't do anything with her because of that and he has performance issues. Here's the part that is killing me. She admitted that they tried to start to have sex a few times and it gets started but goes no where to the end because he can't fully get aroused. SHe sayed "If you don't lose it, you lose it" and that's why she knows he hasn't been having sex with his wife. Our sex life had never been a problem and she said that sometimes you need to just have that physical closeness and that's why part of her wanted to do that with me Sunday. She did give me the option when we started and said to me, "Are you sure you want to do this?" So after we had the discussion at her apartment I went home not expecting to her from her the rest of the night. About 8:45 pm she calls the house again and said she is creeped out at her apartment and doesn't know what to do. I said, "We can come over there if you'd like and I can sleep on the sofa". She says "No, that's too much to bring our son out, etc". I then said, "Ok why don't you come here and stay, I will still sleep on sofa". SHe says "Ok, if that is ok with you". So she comes over and I was goign to sleep on sofa and she says I can sleep in bed with her because it's my room and she doesn't want to kick me out. We sleep and she lets me hug her all night. SHe gets up and takes a shower and then asks me to follow her to apt to make sure everything is ok. Before leaving her apt we talk for a few moments. She said it felt a little strange sleeping at house and she didn't sleep as soundly as she thought. MY QUESTION: Does her comment about feeling strange sleeping there and not sleeping as soundly, mean anything really bad? Am I looking too much into that comment. Would that turn her off from wanting to get back together? PLEASE I'M BEGGING EVERYONE TO COMMENT
You have a lot of positives here. She is torn and that is good for you. The single most important thing for you to do is not apply pressure. Be the happy go lucky guy. Be Johnny on the spot. Be a shoulder to lean on. She asked for space. For the love of Pete, make sure you pay attention to that clue.
You have got to get this other guy out of your head. He will cause you to come unglued. Just look at the way he reacted to the time your wife spent with her family. YOU NEED TO GET IN HIS HEAD! Give him the rope and he will hang himself Sandline.
You have to relax. You need to regroup. All the answers you are looking for are right there before you. You need to step back and take stock.
You jump to your W's tune too easily. Try being there for her but not immediately. If she wants her garbage taking out for Pete's sake why can't she do that. Is she disabled. Ditto light bulb. Really GISH I know you want to show her you love her but at the moment she is CAKE EATING big time. She is using you as and when she wants to and then putting you back in your box when OM clicks his fingers. OM sounds dodgy but your W has to work that out.
OM IS NOT A THREAT. I repeat OM is not a threat. I can absolutely guarantee you he will not stay around. He sounds like he is using your wife to prop himself up whilst he sorts his own M . You cannot say that to your W though. She has to work that out for herself. He is going to dump on her big time. I PROMISE THAT. I can see it from a mile off.
If you want to save your M it is down to you and how you interact with your W. OM will not do anything but YOU can make yourself look like a really good option to your W, as OM is going to show her just how bad he is; she will look to you for comfort. BUT you must not be needy. She needs a strong you - not a pushover.
When it comes to sex just STOP. SHe knows the sex is good with you. It's bad with OM - GREAT. Let her get frustrated and put pressure on OM - that's a sure fire way of making it even worse for OM. If he has trouble performing anyway, a bit of pressure should finish him off, (OR NOT HAH!!!). Don't worry about the everyday stuff. Concentrate on you and making you a person she will want to come back to when things go wrong with OM.
GISH - you just have SO MUCH going for you but are not be able to see it. BELIEVE in YOURSELF.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
