Wow, I am suprised and gratified by all the great thoughts and suggestions. I think you have all had some useful and terrific thoughts.
Ellie, I emailed you. I DO need some guidance on the Graves.
To those who think that his occasional issue with an uncooperative member weighs in here - I think so too. It hasn't happened in a long time but it is almost as if he thinks/knows that if he waits long enough then it won't be an issue. Also, due to the early ED issues the foreplay did get perfunctory at best. It was as if both of us were afraid that once he was "ready" we needed to get going lest something bad happen.
There were a couple of occasions early in the R that our encounters consisted of get H started/proceed with IC/stop - get H re-started/ proceed with IC. Lather. Rinse. Repeat until finally H would reach a certain point of no return. Then, I got tired of focusing on his E all the time. I realized it was leading down an unproductive road and would just grab him and go down on him to completion with no return expectation - he loved that and I did it about once or twice/month. I didn't do it with any expectations for return but when I NEVER got a similar return well....it just wasn't as much fun anymore.
To those who see my backing off of him as being game playing - it really isn't. This isn't a game to me. It is an important part of my life. When I decided to stop initiating I didn't do it with the expecation that he would step in but with the hope that he might and with the understanding that if he didn't I would have an "answer" of sorts. Sometimes people seem to think that we HD women are sexual badgerers, that we are seething pits of need where that need for sex is readily and annoyingly apparent at all times. Well, maybe some of us are but I'm not and I got tired of feeling as if my H thought that. I know that all of the quick foreplay followed by hurry-up IC-so the E isn't a problem - did nothing for my image as wanting a quality sexual R or even for the appearance that I actually care about foreplay, long kisses etc... Instead, I appeared to only want him for his d*ck (although he has never voiced this).
Before I decided to stop initiating I already had offered, brought up, suggested in writing alternate sexual activities, schedules etc... I had already told him my needs, described the vast array of sexual behaviors I am comfortable with or interested in etc.... I wouldn't call this subtle but to Corri's point - the way I phrased things might be called subtle. My nature is to confront but to do so judiciously and gently. It hasn't worked here - has it? Corri - I have stepped out the comfort zone and sometimes it has met with success and sometimes with annoyance and some really CRAP sex. So, I got to where I feel a little like a big idiot for doing that.
Onwards and upwards...Scott and Lil certainly have the vibe that works for H. I had a little giggle but I want you both to know that I am seriously considering how to work that vibe into our life. Corri - you have good points too even if at various times in the past H has actively resisted "Honey, I want you to do x,y and z" - as in he just wouldn't do it but would just kinda stroke my arm or leg and wait for me to act. I need to revisit it anyway. When we dated I used to do a lot of teasing H - sitting on his lap for a moment, looking into his eyes and making some kind of sexual remark, saying things like "nice outfit" when he walks across the bedroom naked etc.... I quit doing most of this because it felt like pressure, trying too hard or something.
As is usual in my household, this weekend held many unforseen events that completely precluded a heart to heart - sick baby, shuttling DS15 back and forth to very first job (sigh, sniff), birthday party for DD9, church and so on. I am looking forward to reading Radical Honesty and finding ways to utilize it in my ridiculous life without the need for endless 2 hours "sit downs".
We had a little "spat" on Saturday. H's friend spent the night unexpectedly (long story) and so we were teasing H about something he bought for the house, then H kinda grouchily starting giving me crap about something I bought for the house but inflating the price by 3x. I finally said, "You need to stop exaggerating what I spent. That isn't right and it p*sses me off." Well then he let me know that he didn't appreciate my teasing him about the thing he bought that I should have said I didn't like it etc... I told him I did, in fact, like it but that I was teasing his analness in choosing that item (something that he usually doesn't mind being teased about). We apologized and that was it. It probably wasn't radically honest because the tape that plays in the background probably goes - "Lets fight about this since the elephant in the room (sex) can't be dealt with right now."
