You sound like you're doing good, brotha. Cleaning the house was a good idea (and it is good to keep you busy too), and I'm sure W will notice. If anything, the clean house shows that you are a strong man that is dealing with a difficult situation well (i.e. now wallowing in self pity and therefore lacking motivation). Life is happening and you are handling it with grace.
Looking good is also a good idea. I think it's smart to just dress very well with your comfortable clothes. I was (and still am) a pretty slender built guy when W left. I'm 5'10" and was a mere 140 lbs when W first left. Since May I've been working out like a mad man and putting on weight. I'm now at 165 lbs and looking and feeling great! I also bought a new wardrobe to fit the new me. I know W has to notice, and it's probably bumming her out that she's now with this older guy that is balding, out of shape, etc. Maybe not, but believing this keeps me motivated to some extent.
I suggest doing what you can to look your best -- working out, eating right, dressing well, etc. This will definitely get your W's attention, even if she NEVER mentions such changes.
Somewhat nervous, but I'm also fairly together. I've said a couple prayers, did some breathing exercises and reminded myself of key points of how to act, and now I'm just waiting for her to show up.
I think this is going to go well. At the very least I will be able to show her the changes I am making - especially when I just listen, don't beg her to reconsider, and validate her complaints.
I'm feeling fairly positive about this (as positive as a man who's going to have a conversation that's supposed to be one of the relationship-tying-up ones can be, at least).
I assume you're reading this post talk, but I wanted to send good thoughts your way! You sound great, very positive, and you know what you need to do. I hope it went as well as can be expected, and that you're very proud of yourself, however it went.
Originally Posted By: MinnesotaMan
I think this is going to go well.
This is key. I'm sure you read in DB about expecting the best (or at least acting like you do). This alone goes a long way to how things work out in the immediate situation. I'll be interested to hear how it did go.
Re the snooping: my friend, post all of the things you're ashamed that you did right here---this is definitely the place for it. We've all been there, so the folks who are responding to you are completely nonjudgmental. They know how it feels to be where you are, and they can give you better advice based on really knowing where you are.
One day very early into my sitch (bomb 8/1, this probably the next week) I opened my computer to find H had checked his email there, and it was still open. I had no intention of snooping, but I couldn't resist. I did check it (and I won't tell you what I found there, because it's totally irrelevant---I snooped), and then I closed the window and made sure to erase the password. I didn't want to be tempted again.
GD gave you all the good reasons not to snoop. You know they're true.
Now that you know about the W's interest in buying property, do you still feel the same way about it (you're not in a good position to do it now)? If you're sure, no worries---no reason to jump into a really bad financial prospect just to get W's attention.
If you think it might be possible for you guys could swing it, though, when and if the opportunity presents itself, show yourself willing to consider taking a risk with her (but only if you really, really are---this is obviously a precarious time to make what's already to you a precarious emotional situation). Just a thought.
I sure hope your talk went well. I'll be checking up on you.
I'm barely together for this but i need to say something somewhere.
we talked.
we talked and it hurt so much.
i didn't beg or get angry or anything, either
some of it was just "what to do with x item" stuff to edge away from the other emotional stuff
but i asked her, "where did it go wrong?" or something close to that. and she opened up.
my control issues, she felt boxed in, even if it wasn't to the extent of me saying "you can't hang out with that person" or "you can't do that" i guess it was enough to make her feel trapped
and my anger was too much, too, overall
oh god i feel so terrible. i was bad, i was mean, but i loved her too and i managed to completely screw that up.
some of it (by her own admission) was her, she didn't entirely blame me, but i did so much wrong and for her in the last months everything piling on her just made her percolate inside and when she came to the decision, she said "it broke for me".
it broke for her.
our marriage, our love, the six years we were together.
she cried as she said all this. i did, too, some - not the big sobs but my damned eyes were leaking a bunch
and somewhere in there when it seemed like it was a place, I touched on the idea of a separation before divorce, to give us space and time for a bit of healing for us
and she said that as much as she wished she could say "yes" for my sake, she didn't have the faith, or belief that she could ever feel the same way again without fear of going back to the patterns of anger/conflict.
"it broke for me" ... those words tore my heart out (and she seemed geuinely torn up, too)
I KILLED MY WIFE'S LOVE FOR ME!
There were long pauses, streches of time where we just sat in silence - eyes wet and looking at eachother.
She said, too , after that, "I still value you, and a part of me will always love you.." ..and "I have faith and know that someday you will be a very giving and caring husband, but it can't be to me"
oh, god, what do i do now?
do i try and persevere and show her through the changees i'm making for myself (some of which she knows of because our friend let slip I was seeing a therapist, which she said she's "proud of" me for)?
or do i resign, do i give up?
i love her so insanely much. and it hurts right now at least as much as when she told me she was leaving.
She had doubts about her ability to feel secure in a relationship with me again.
If she really feels it's that over, I'm going to try and detach and "let her go". Maybe move on? I don't know, I'm pretty torn up right now. Don't know what I want/what's healthy at this point.
I'm going to keep working on improving myself, though. Getting a life/180ing for myself. that much is healthy at least.
And if my wife notices and has hope - wonderful.
right now, though, it feels like a huge setback. i'll be taking it one hour at a time tomorrow.
All you can do right now is work on yourself to make yourself a better person. Change those anger and controlling issues. Maybe at some point in time she may want to try again but even if she never comes back and you move on then you will be a better person not only for yourself but for any other R.
Me: 41 H: 39 D: 6 S: 4 M-14 T-16 first bomb: 5-12-07 (M dead doesn't really want to work things out.) second bomb: 6-4-2007 (found note he wrote about wanting desperately to be with OW and would have to give up everything) Kelley
Hey bud. I remember being where you are at. It is a painful place. It sucks. I personally was shell shocked for about a week. But wanna know what I found out? Life goes on. You WILL pull out of this. You WILL be ok. You WILL laugh again.
It has been 6 months for me now. Yeah my relationship is still in limbo land, but I KNOW no matter what happens I will be ok. Once you get to this place, things do get better.
It sounds like you did really well with the talk---good for you!
I know this is painful. It's hard to imagine you'll won't feel like this forever, but you won't.
As to whether or not you give up, "resign yourself," only you can say that. You're really early days still, and it doesn't sound like you want to give up.
W gave you lots of clear information about your role in the R, and that's good---you know what changes you need to make if this R (or any other) is going to succeed. So get to work.
As hard as this is, nothing has changed in your sitch except that now you know more. Most of us have heard "It's completely over," "I'm absolutely done," "It'll never work," etc. She says she could never trust you. What she's saying is, "You could never really change." Show (SHOW, not tell) her you can change, earn her trust back, and you may have a shot.
You share the responsibility of the state of your R, but you alone did not kill your W's love for you. Take responsibility for your share, but don't take all the blame for where you two are now. You didn't get there alone. Sounds like you're beating yourself up right now (which is natural at this point, but something to keep an eye on).
Whether you decide to give up or not really doesn't have much effect on what you DO: make changes in yourself for you so you'll have the life you want, be the person you want to be. If she comes around, wonderful. If not, you're on the road to happiness.
I really am focusing on the "things will improve" and "this is for me" angles.
That said, work today sucked alot. I work in a grocery store, as one of two jobs (go-go B.A. in History for the employment! :P ) and I was lucky enough that they needed to rotate me back to help stock stuff today. No need to do the plastic-smile/all's well. Still had alot of time to think.
Then, I saw her at my other job. We get along well enough, there.
I agree with you, Puddle, on knowing more now. Even with her conviction of being totally done, it has been only 2.5 weeks.
So, gonna keep doing all the work, and not give up 'till the papers are signed. I'll work on moving on, but I'll keep up the work until that day.
Also, I've decided to try and make gaming work one day a week. Partially because I don't want to have to juggle it. Also, because it will give her a forum to see me without my "work face" on, and that I really am improving. It's not like it'll be an act, nor a lame excuse to see her, as we both wanna keep playing the particular storyline we're on, away.
And, if things ever end up seeming too tense, I can bow out or we can work something out.
