Ladies, Taking a bit of a break from the board. Digesting some of the advice given last week, considering calling a DBing coach, and trying to recuperate from taking my girls on a 4 mile hike Saturday (I walked 4 miles, they each walked a bit less since they got to ride) and a 14 mile canoe trip with them yesterday (which they did great on, though my youngest freaked out a bit when we almost tipped over, though she clung to her seat. Had to jump out and throw in back in the canoe.)
Been taking the lead on Casey's bday party week after next as a 180 for me. W seems to be appreciative of that.
Still undecided on the A and whether or not I can wait it out.
Killing me watching my girls suffer through this. It's starting to sink in and they are both starting to act differently than normal. Don't know if W sees it because she's in the house, which is home to them. This apt is not home. When with her, they can almost imagine that I'm away for a trip. When they are with me, it's obvious that I have moved out. They are both generally the same, but negative behaviors from both of them are closer to the surface and more intense (anger/temper from the oldest; clinginess/lack of independence from the youngest). If anything gets me to regress and talk to my W about a retro weekend or asking her to put a hiatas on pursuing OM, the way the girls are starting to behave will. I don't know if I'm strong enough to watch them hurt without saying something to my W.
As for me, not checking in over the weekend let me sort of start thinking through some things. I need to be on my own for a while. I lost my sense of self a few years ago. I placed the burden of my happiness on my W. Not totally, but I relied on my role as H and father to define who I was.
I'll pop in here and there, but I've gotta take a break from reading about everyone and focus on me for a little while.
Best to all,
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
