Corri:So does rain. So does snow. So does the sun. But you make the best of those. To bemoan the weather, and ask why is it the way it is... is kind of useless... kwis? I do know what you're saying but it just makes me feel like I should move somewhere with a better climate
Anyway an update: The weekend was interesting. H's folks arrived as planned and we had a pleasant evening with the kids staying up late etc.
The next day his folks offered to babysit if we wanted to go out for the evening. At the time I couldn't think of anything worse and I was sure H felt the same way. I tried to act like I was game if he was. H equivocated over it.
We all went out for the afternoon to a museum but H was still moody and silent as he has been this past fortnight. His folks noticed it too.
Anyhow he took a call from a client late in the afternoon which perked him up, as this guy who has been put in charge of their IT and has been trying to make his mark by showing how little the organisation really needs H has been f@cking up and was on the phone begging him to come and sort everything out because his a$$ is on the line.
We went out and had a nice meal together. H was in a pretty good mood because of the change in climate this phone call had brought about. So we had a fun evening.
In the morning H was horny. I really wasn't up for it, I have been feeling emotionally drained these past 2 weeks by his behaviour and I just didn't like the whole "oh look the sun's out again now I can have nooky with my W" attitude. In fact it was more of a "everything else is fine so come and sort the sex part out for me now". While I was still tussling with the issue with his hands roaming around D6 came into the bedroom and jumped into the bed next to me. Frankly I felt relieved.
So the rest of the day was spent just pottering about doing family stuff in a reasonably easy-going fashion.
We watched some TV that evening and I was trying hard to think of a way to broach the subject of how hard-going I have been finding him over the last couple of weeks but just couldn't make a start. So a bit later we went to bed and H could see my face not looking too happy so he asked me what was wrong and I told him.
We had the usual "well when I do talk to you you just attack me". And "So you know how much pressure I've been under and you wait until I've cheered up again to knock me back down"
With me trying to stick to my own feelings. "I've been feeling hurt and shut out" rather than "You won't talk". Anyway after he'd thrown a few insults at me I tried to get him to see that that was just a way to shut me up because he felt uncomfortable with what I was trying to say. That I'm miserable, that I'd like us to work as a team, that I'd like my emails (about finances) to be answered rather than ignored. That if he doesn't feel like talking he could at least give me a hug or something.
Then he said with a kind of finality. "Well maybe we just can't communicate". After a pause I asked him what he meant. "Well I really do want to communicate with you but you don't seem to hear anything I say".
Left there in that lonely place feeling like he was saying we just can't make a go of things I realised how much I do want to, not just for the sake of the kids. It was like him saying that stripped everything away, all my D fantasies, and he's bad for the kids anyway, and if it weren't for them I wouldn't be here.
Well can you please just give me a hug. So he did. Then it all went a bit weird. I had a really strong feeling of needing him to press his chest up hard against mine so I asked him get on top of me and crush me with his manly chest. He did but was kind of laughing and wanting to get off and acting like I would suffocate. Underneath him I was just kind of sobbing but they were good sobs that needed to happen. But he got off and started messing around in a silly/humourous way doing belly flops on me and stuff.
I can't really describe it but it was like something which I intuitively knew would make us feel closer and he kind of seemed to get scared of that and turned it into some silly horseplay thing.
The next thing was an attempt at sex which went nowhere. I ended up by saying "I think both of us want to be ravished and neither of us is in the mood to do the ravishing". He agreed, so we just fell asleep. It was the least rancourous failed sex attempt we have ever had.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
