My wife wants out !!

[dadtotwo]

I am angry with myself for being so weak with her. I want to do the right thing for her and my kids because of this mess. I feel that if I give her a hard time that I will just push her further away. She is so bitter and resentful that she jumps at the first chance to get mad at me. It really makes me angry that she wants to demonize me because her OM is so "perfect" in her eyes.

I must confess that if this was a separation with no OM involved, I would work until my hands bled to make them comfortable. Regardless of what happened to get us here, I loathe her for going outside our M and making this new R out to be her ticket to happiness.

[Jeff223]

Hi Mark,
frank_D asked for me to stop by and read.

First off, you have had a real ride these past few months. There is little I can say that will ease your hurt other than I have been there and it does get better.

You are hurt right now and you have lost much. Hurt and loss equals anger and anxeity. Those are good emotions that you should embrace.

As you continue on your journey and absorb what frank_D has shared you will realize that anger and anxiety are best met with assertiveness and courage. Right now you are stuck in aggression about the OM and and feeling low about you.

That is okay. Let those emotion run. But as Frank likes to say it is also time to *man up*.

And you will - I read it in your posts.

I am angry with myself for being so weak with her.

You are not weak Mark, you just have holes in your boundary. First, concentrate on that boundary. Identify those things which define you as a man and make those non-negotiable. Defining your boundary means you will know when to call her on it and you will know when not to. And when you choose not to you will not feel weak, but strong.

I want to do the right thing for her and my kids because of this mess.

Doing the right thing in an honorable way is called courage. Courage means that you are moving forward. YOU did not cause your financial difficulty. You simply made poor choices. You took risks and failed. But failure is nothing to feel bad about. Failure builds character and confidence.

You are demonstrating courage - keep doing that.

I feel that if I give her a hard time that I will just push her further away.

Giving her a hard time is the little boy talking. Enforcing a healthy boundary is the man talking. Show her that man and keep showing her.

She is so bitter and resentful that she jumps at the first chance to get mad at me. It really makes me angry that she wants to demonize me because her OM is so "perfect" in her eyes.

Good. She needs to get that anger out. She is trying to justify her actions. Let her. She is crashing and hurting. Let her get angry. Support her best you can.

Her anger is coming out as aggression and that means she is using up her self-esteem to stay mad at you. As she crashes she may come to see you in a different light if you continue to present the man to her that you are becoming.

I must confess that if this was a separation with no OM involved, I would work until my hands bled to make them comfortable.

You will do the right and honorable thing b/c you are a man.

I loathe her for going outside our M and making this new R out to be her ticket to happiness.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I said I hated my former W. But they are hurting too. Try not to get caught up in aggression too. Focus on you and feel sorrow for her.

And as in my case, she is the mother of your children.

The OM is of no consequence b/c he has nothing to do with you. W is not comparing him to you, she is comparing him to what might be. She is dreaming. Please don't beat yourself up fighting a dream.

Fighting against what you cannot control is called suffering.

I see hope here. And I see you growing. Stay the course and become the man YOU want to be. Show her that man. Love your children.

Anything can happen.

Strength and Honor.

[dadtotwo]

I have a dilemma that I need some feedback on. All of you here know my current situation. I have been pursuing my venture for some time now and it has created an incredible hardship for my family.

Now the dilemma...it appears that there is a very good chance that my efforts may be finally rewarded(at a huge personal cost). If this falls into place, it would give me all the financial stability I would ever need(with proper planning). So now I have to decide what I do for my kids? Here are the options as I see it at this moment..

1) Keep my house and have my W and kids move back in and I leave(keep in mind that OM lives around the corner)

2) Sell the house and pay the rent for a nice place for my W and kids to live so they can be out of her parent's house

3) Sell the house and only do what the law requires as far as support

I am open to any other suggestions.

I want to do the "right thing" for my kids to give them a bigger place to live. I am not doing this for my W but, I must admit, that it would feel really good for her to see that she gave up too soon and left for selfish reasons.

I would welcome comments, feedback or questions...Thanks

[Jeff223]

Go see a lawyer. This is business now. Don't let your desire to do *right* by your kids, or her affect your judgment.

You are not to blame here, do not be a martyr.

Keeping the house is good for the kids. But why would you move out? I did that and I regret it, plus it impacted my custody rights.

Please allow me to be blunt: you seem all focused on money. Doing right by your kids means so much more than money. Your custody rights must be protected. They need their father, not just his money.

What arrangements do you have now? You are keeping the kids overnight some of the time, are you not? If not, you need to, for them and in order to protect yourself. She had no right to remove the kids from your home anyway; I will go so far as to say you may still be able to insist they be returned since she only left a month ago.

pay the rent for a nice place for my W and kids to live so they can be out of her parent's house

Why? Let her figure out where to live and how to pay for it. She will only resent you more if you offer this. Instead, buy her out of the house if you can and get her to sign the deed to you.

This all may impact your custody rights; that is why a lawyer is important here. The lawyer will also help you figure out suitable child support. And protect yourself against paying her alimony as well - she can work, she had a good job. Time for her to realize that she needs to pound the pavement and get a job.

She got onto you about the money, now she needs to look in the mirror.

Divorce sucks but the best thing to do Mark is to look after you and your kids. Let her swim on her own.

Strength and Honor.

[dadtotwo]

Jeff,

As I see it, I am in a "no win" situation. If I do for her, she may resent me for doing this after she left and gave up. Then if I don't, I am accused of "holding out" and not caring for my kids. She can get all the support she needs from her family since she conveys that she did nothing but be a supportive W and took care of our house and kids. My W doesn't give a damn about me only her selfish wants(money and OM).

No matter what I do, she still comes across as the victim and I have to go quietly into the sunset. She throws away our M and family and she gets to pick and choose what she wants and I have no say in my family's future.

[Jeff223]

I hate to say it but you are very correct on each and every point.

This sucks. And that is why the only way forward for us is to "man up".

Concentrate on becoming the man you want to be.

Concentrate on doing the very best you can for you and your kids.

Concentrate on setting healthy boundaries. What are your terms as a man?

Concentrate on the fact that you and only you control how you think. How will you choose to think?

Concentrate on doing the right thing, for the right reasons, in the right way, regardless of the consequences, every time. Do it right; expect nothing in return.

Get things in writing and legal. The more things are defined the less uncertainty there is. For example, next week is fall school break. My former W just *realized* it. She wanted to know my plans. I get to keep them all week per the custody schedule so I am *protected*. Yet she wants to take them to see her parents; my kids have not seen their grandmother in months and she is sick. Do I say yes or no? Why do I still feel guilty like I am "withholding" the kids from their mother (yes, I do, and so will you). Yet, she thinks nothing of keeping the kids from me - it is all my fault after all; I only deserve to go away quietly.

But the reality is quite different. Our kids NEED us. They need us to be strong. They need us to act with courage and honor.

If your W shows her selfish side remember (and this is so difficult to get your arms around) that she is only showing her lack of self esteem and her hurt.

She IS hurt Mark. Hurt, and she has given up. That is the sad part. That is our frustration - and frustration takes a long time to get past.

But you and I will get past it. Believe that.

Strength and Honor.

[frank_D]

What Jeff said...

[dadtotwo]

Just called the kids and my W started the lawyer talk again. She is so determined to get a D it is hard to believe that she actually loved me. Where the hell does this come from? She gets her back up about everything that is not what she wants. She thought we had agreed to go to a mediator but I have asked her what she wants and she immediately turns it around that I want her to make a list so I can "approve" or "not approve" what she wants. This all seems so petty when you consider that just a few short years ago, I could do no wrong(in her eyes) and now I am the "enemy". It is so obvious to me that her attitude and need for speed is because she has her interests elsewhere.

It is almost hard to believe that we were once "in love"

How sad....

[sandi2]

Stop allowing her to call the shots! You go to a lawyer now! Get the divorce. Pay only what the law says to pay. Stop letting her use you. You are no longer responsible for her. Do you get that? You are still trying to work everything out for her b/c you still feel so guilty for your mistakes.....well, join the club! Some of us WAW's actually feel guilty too! (That is not to say I'm supporting what she is doing.) I am telling you to stop this constant beating yourself to a pulp! Stop it!! Every person on this board has messed up big time or we wouldn't be here. Support your kids and let her do whatever she has do to for herself. She wanted the D, she wanted to be without you, so by God.....let her see how it will be without you! Let her get by the best way she can! She thinks she can make so much more than you....fine....let her. Why does she have her hand stuck out all the time? Forget it. She is using you! She's not worth it! Right?

You need to channel you anger in a different way. Buy a punching bag and punch the hell out of it! Run until you drop! But stop this mental ambush. You've punished yourself enough. It's time to stop it and start over. You can't undo what has happened so quit re-living it all the blessed time. I'm surpised you can crawl out of the bed and get to work every day....much less two jobs.

Now, go get help for yourself. Seriously. Your self-esteem needs healing. You said yourself that you've had a problem in that area. You need some counseling sweetie. I read back over all your thread and you are saying the same thing over and over again. I know, you have to work through this....but it is time to get off the pot. Let her go.........then and only then will you ever have a chance in hell that she will ever see the light and do some changing of her own. You are clinging to the past that will never be again. Let her go. It is time. Move on.

Remember this, as long as she is not married to another.....it is never too late. However, until she does some changing.....do you really want her back....like she is now?

Now, sweetie-pie, this comes from the heart of a WAW. We women seem to want what we think we can't have. If you change.....really change.....and not for her, but for you and become the man you like....it is possible for her to see that man and decide she likes him and wants him back......if....if he still would want her. But she will never want the man back that she sees now. Nor, will you be able to live with the man you are now. So, I plead with you......go become the person you like. Okay? (((((big hug))))

[Dom R]

I want to do the "right thing" for my kids to give them a bigger place to live.

your kids dont need "a bigger place to live". They need parents who love them, and are with them all the time.
Other than that, just basic food and shelter is all they need to thrive.

"a bigger place to live", is something that adults think they need. something that they can brag about.

throwing money at a bigger house for them, does not make you a better father. they dont need more money... they need you.