There and Back, #7

[SallyM]

thanks all. I woke up at 4:30 with bile rising in my stomach, I was still that upset about stuff, freaked out, etc. I came downstairs and ended up reading all of your responses then. really, thank you. they exactly what I needed to hear. atgo, you saying that I am letting H have too much power really stuck out to me. you are right, I am. I felt like I had made a lot of progress on that front, but I can see the backslide and what I was allowing to happen all over again.

I went back upstairs and just thought for a long time, finally dozed for about a half hour before it was time to start my day.

no more. the calendar is flipped. it's october now. and amazingly, the sun is still shining, the birds are still chirping, and the day-to-day stuff still needs to be done. and you know what, I am going to get thru this. It is going to be a tough couple of weeks, I can tell that, but I'm going to focus on the good. I'm going to focus on me. on what I have control over, on what I want out of life, not on what I don't have.

neph, your point about what will D change for me was a good one. there are some things that it will change for me, but its stuff I can probably change now, w/o a divorce. until I am 100% ready, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not even going to tell H to go choke on his guilt, which is what I want to do. I'm going to get back to me. somehow, I'm going to get that focus back. therapy tomorrow, need to get my journal out of hiding and get going on that again.

H is coming by tonight. he feels rotten about how things went with the kids, particularly how things ended yesterday when he left. when he talked to them this morning, he asked if he could come by, and I will not refuse the kids, so even though I don't want to see him, I said yes. will go run an errand somewhere while he's here.

well, happy october, all. going to make this first day a good one. going to take back october, and fill it with good memories that have nothing to do with H. today S5 goes to school and I'm headed back to the gym...hopefully my knee is better. after school, going to suprise the kids with a picnic lunch at a local farm, spend some time with the animals, get some apple cider donuts, and just have some fun running around a corn maze.