i'm so frustrated this morning. I wish H would say something like 'things are ok atm, can we just take it one day at a time?' I just wish I knew where I stood and if he wants to work at the M. I feel like asking but I feel ok atm and don't want to deal with him saying he is still planning on going b/c then I would want him gone asap. This is so selfish, what about my needs, what about communication?
aarghhhhhhhhh
rant over
(((XD))))
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
I don't get commuication. Not on any thing about M/R. I don't bring it up either. That just equals pressure (so I've been told and I'm listening to the wise ones that came before me), and pressure is BAD. On the one hand having them gone would probably be easier on us, but in the long run harder on the M. I called a DB coach a few times and that was one nugget of wisdom she had for me.
With regards to your needs, I've started taking care of my own. Nothing I can do about feeling lonely and missing even a simple touch, but I connect with friends and our D's. Sometimes he'll chat and joke with me some. It's nice.
I know you want answers. Me too. We just don't get them now.
You asked what I do to DB. Mostly, I work on me and at the moment this includes a "real" job. I walk (helps clear the mind) and exercise, I do things around the house that I'd like to have done. I go out some. Sometimes with a friend sometimes alone. I persue my own intrests and do things with our D's. As far as my interactions with him, I'm pleasant and considerate. If he was willing to talk I would LISTEN. I don't ask for his help with things b/c 1. I probably won't get it or 2. if I don't need it right this second he'll forget.He's gotten so forgetfull and I can't tell if it's across the board or not. I have invited him out a couple of times and alot of times he'll come. Last week I invited him to a class some friends were teaching (line dance) and he came, but he didn't dance with me at all. He only danced with friend once. The hurt cut to the bone and I said nothing. I didn't pout or act hurt either (yes, very hard). I pretended we were just "friends" and that friend was having an off day. The primary difference is I would try to talk t oa friend about how they felt and I don't go there with him.
I know this sounds insane and like I'm burying stuff (like anger). What I attempt do with the anger is take it out physically (when I can). Having said that though, if there is something very specific that has upset me (esp bad behavior or being rude) I'll address as calmly as I can right then. I don't always wait for a response either. I say what I have to and leave the room. This works really good for compliments too. You could say something like "Hey handsome" or "You look good today" as you're walking through a room. I don't stare deeply into his eyes and say anything (not b/c I don't want to). It doesn't require anything from them, but it allows to to say nice things even thank them for something they did.
Don't ask him those questions right now. You don't want to know where the M is, or what his plans are. It'll only hurt you. You'll know when he's ready to move closer...watch his actions more.
I know it hurts. I know it's lonely. And I know how bad it sucks.
So...what can you do in the meantime to take the focus in your own mind off of the R?
Well today i'm afraid to say I feel a bit heavy of heart b/c of last night.
I was meant to be going out with my friend who let me down. I assumed (wrongly that H would stay in with me) but he didn't he put on his shoes and said he was off out and he went, he didn't say where he was going he just said 'see you later, bye'. I wished him a good evening. Both D's were at work and phoned to see if I could collect them at 10.15pm. They told me that H had said he was off to the gym and then the cinema so they had to walk home and he would have known that (it's not far and safe)
I'm upset b/c 1) he didn't tell me where he was going and 2) I felt I couldn't ask and 3)it makes me feel even more like we are co-habitors. He has since called me this morning and he said he didn't have a plan when he went out other than going to the gym. I asked if in future he would tell me as I was a little upset, not about him going out but theat he didn't tell me where he was going.
I have read my book on the 5 LL. I was surprised to learn that mine was 'words of affirmation' I thought it was 'quality time', then hugging and affection.... The thing is I have no idea what H's LL is!!! How bad is that??? I THINK it may be 'acts of love' or 'gifts'. His way of an apology was always to clean or cook and he has always been the spender, mainly at B'days/Xmas etc but always impulsive. I'm the one who is careful with money.
I get the impression he is feeling much more himself, i know he's watching his weight and has started to excercise more, but I just feel that last night was a 2 finger at me. I have to say i'm gutted. I will try and have a PMA today, I know we have time together for a family lunch out tomorrow to look forward to, but it seems everything i'm doing is not having an effect all. Or is it?
I'm sorry this is a panicking self pity party this morning.
Sorry I am working on me for the most, but I was just thrown by
Look forward to your optimisism (((XD)))
ps Grace - keep on asking H out and show him what a great time you are having and how popular and friendly you are. (( ))
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
You ned to let go of his telling you where he's going. Enjoy the little moments like the family lunch and don'tread anything into it. That will just make you nuts. When your friend backed out last night, you could have just gone out alone. You were wrong to think he's stay home with you, so now you know to just take the time for yourself. I think it's natural to want to stay with or even just around them. I find that makes me feel needy sometimes. When it does, I go and find something to do.
Thanks for the shot in the arm about asking him out. I do some. In general though unless it's something I know he'll really like, I don't. Even one activity we used to love to do together he can be odd about. He may go, but not really interact with me.
It's good that he's exercising and taking care of himself. That's something we should probably all do. The endorphins are a great pick me up.
Assumptions will get you every time. But you know that.
Maybe you could have some generic backup "you" plans for times when other plans fall through. Something that you generally enjoy... What hobbies do you have? I try to pick something that will get me out of the house and feeling good. Since sun and exercise do that, I'll maybe head out for a quick hike.
What a bizarre weekend. I'm afraid to jinx myself!!!
It was the best weekend in a long time....
It started with the takeaway on Friday. Then the whole family meet for a lunch out of town the next day. I got home took the k's out. H went to work then came back and went to the gym. The whole day he has been txting me and telling me where he is, what he is doing etc.
Sunday H had to work, all day, I met a friend for a coffee, took the s's. Met up with H to work togther.
Before all of this started H & I used to go to the gym togther on a Sunday evening, just for a swim and a sauna, jacussi, but I stopped going. However yesterday i decided to go before he normally goes and be back in time for H to go at his normal time. I really enjoyed it. H then went and was a little late back than normal. Which was fine. He came to bed and explained he had stopped for a drink.
The changes have been: H although extremely tired has seemed very upbeat, more chatty and wanting to chat??
Biggest improvement is that he has come to bed with me at the same time.
Their has been a lot of eye contact. Still no hugging or affection, but I didn't want to push that, I feel content at the moment with the upbeatness of the whole weekend.
What have I done different? Been more upbeat & positive, lots of positive affirmations, getting out of the house when I normally would have stayed in with H for company and i bought him a small gift (i'm also not drinking red wine, i found it was acting as a depressant). I think i'm lovingly distant and trying not to be needy and be more independant. I also very actively encouraged him to purchase a watch he has been looking at. (very, very expensive MLC toy?). I'm also making a bigger effort to keep the house immaculate (you know when you put your house on the market to sell....that kind of immaculate). I'm also clearing up after him ( i know i can hear you saying i shouldn't, but if these small things act 'an act of love' and it's working, who am i to grumble). I also bought new curtains for the bedroom without consulting him ( i'm normally realy bad at making decisions and been assertive).
I'm hoping this may be the start of better things to come?
What do you all think??
XD
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
I know, I hope it's not the clam before the storm. I'm trying to detach while still remaining positive and very hopeful.
I took you advice about fixing up the home and bought the curtains, yes I feel empowered. I also had your words in my head - 'go anyway' thats why i went to the gym, leaving him to put the s's to bed. Thanks for that.
How was your weekend with H - Did you ask him out again?
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
No, I didn't ask him out. It's been a tough weekend for me. I believe he's getting ready to move out, and hasn't said anything yet. Yes, I know that I don't "know" what he's thinking, but after all these years I can read his actions. My biggest concern is our D's (of course) and just how to respond when he does tell me. I had to chuckle to myself b/c I wonder if he's waiting for me to bring it up (would make it easier for him). We'll see how it goes. I would expect him to say something during the week so that he's off to work. Oh well. Sorry for going on.
I'm glad you went to the gym and that you're feeling more empowered. It's all of these things that get us through this. Ultimately it about us being who we were meant to be.
