I was almost a WAW (and still am-- in my heart?)

[sandi2]

Good morning all. Another weekend for me sick in bed, but today is a new day and I think I'm going to make it to work. Nothing new to report other than my son and family did find a place to rent and so I'm quite thankful for that. Have had some other stress, but nothing more than just usual family stuff.

I think if I can ever feel like a "human" again and have an ounce of energy that I will surprise everyone and do something "special" (and especially for my H). Not going to tell what it is right now, but I'm just thinking up things....lol.

Last night, I felt so bad and lonesome but I knew it was due to the health and not being able to just "do" something enjoyable for a change. I said this to say that the "memory" of how I used to would have gotten on line to chat with OM came to mind. I do not have a sexual desire for him, now, but think I recognized the fact that it was the "company" that I missed. I hope that does not sicken you out.....it kind of does me, but I'm trying to be honest with myself. It was the lonliness that led me to that type of R to begin with. My H was very quite yesterday b/c he hasn't felt very well himself this past couple of weeks, but there was no tension or anything like that between us. We didn't have much communication between us, but it wasn't strained. Anyway, I just came and read posts on the board and as usual, they helped me to get through the lonliness. I'm still reading my books. Was difficult to focus yesterday, maybe b/c of feeling poorly.

I started not to tell any of this, but after all, I think this is what part of the "journaling" is all about. Even though I'm getting closer to my "3 month" mark of no contact with OM....I'm not completely there yet. I have no intentions of backslidding! It is too hard to even think about going through this again and as I have read....it would be more difficult the second time around. So, no thank you, don't believe so!

It's funny with me......I have always looked at Monday morning as a new slate......you know...new week, etc. So, I am usually geared up and ready to "step-up" and do better. That is how I feel today, thank the Lord, and I just wanted my friends to know that I may have some bad days from time to time and struggle with my health, but I'm not giving up. Yesterday, I felt like giving up, briefly anyway.....from a physical point, but then that is just what the old enemy wants me to do and I refuse to allow him that victory.

I love the fall months. Even though I've been sick with allergies due to the change in seasons.....I still like it...lol. For some reason, it has always seem like a new beginning instead of the end of a year. Maybe b/c of the cool air and bright new colors in the trees that will soon be on their way. Gosh, I almost sound like I'm going to break out writing a poem.....lol.

It's just that when I wake up with a tiny bit of "hope"....it is the best medicine God can give me. That......and friends like all of you. Not to sound like a pity party, but as I told you once before, I had really reached the place I did not have any close friends and so you all have become important in my life. At the risk of sounding like a "broken record", thanks to all of you that show your concern b/c it does mean more to me than you could possibly know. That is why when I see a "newbie" that is a possible WAW come here for help (just like I did) I hope you will jump in there and help her.....save her...like you did me. God, it scares me to think how closely I came to ruining my life!

I am still looking forward to the day that I can come here and give you exciting news about my R and tell everyone here not to give up b/c even in a almost 42 year R.....there is hope for a successful M. I am going to prove that to you all b/c I am not ready to quit. All I need is just a little energy to get my body moving and just wait and see what I'm going to do!

Have a good day friends. I love you guys for being here day after day for me and I hope you know, I am here for you too.