new here and really worried

[Forrest Gump]

Ah I got called out a little there. I threw that in to see if you were listening.

I know you don't "NEED" him but just for a second do you think he still sees that part in you? Weird thing is he won't want to see that now. He will need it in the future. When he sees "NEED" think steamroller. Think run away. He does not want to see any of that right now.

[littlebitlost]

I sense through your posts that you still do need him. It may not be quite as bad as it was, but I agree with FG that your

neediness comes across in your posts. We all go through it, I think, so it is perfectly normal to feel that way. However, take steps to stop feeling that way. "Fake it 'til you make it" is a cliche saying around here, but it is an absolutely useful strategy, esp in getting from "needing" to "wanting". Keep "acting as if" you don't need him until you get to the point where you actually don't. Easier said than done, but do what you can to weather the storm and get to a point where you're perfectly comfortable and content with OR without him.

Ah much like the 'act as if until you become' is the ohter one. I wish you could have heard how desperate I was before...(the other board saw that)

It is not him that I need. I miss my family. Kissing and tucking my kids in everynite! Christmas mornings all that crap.

I will say that I did invite him to Thanksgiving with my fam. He thought about it and finally said yes. THIS will be a big opportunity for my to 'shine' and also for my family. Especially my dad (who is very protective and thinks I should just get a divorce and be done with it) You know there has NEVER been a divorce in my family EVER. My family, esp my mom love him very much and they have known him for more than half his life. I need them to come through as well.

[Gone Dancin']

What I really want to push is the communication and what his issues are iwth me and also what my fears were and how I have and am dealing.

Pushing ANYTHING is counterproductive -- you must be patient and let him come around on HIS terms and in HIS time. Again, don't push ANYTHING. Patience isn't a virtue in our situation -- it's an absolute necessity!

I have bought the book from the other forum and the pricipals are or seem to be almost exactly the same.

What's it called? I'm interested in reading it, now.

GD

[littlebitlost]

I know you don't "NEED" him but just for a second do you think he still sees that part in you? Weird thing is he won't want to see that now.

Here is where you are right. I think he thinks that is what I NEED. I have told him that I dont NEED him like I did. I said that what I need and what I want are two entirely different things. I guess what I NEED is to stop telling him and just 'be'

I miss the hugging and sleeping on someones shoulder and well lets be honest....the 'ahem'......yeah you get the picture right. I need that basic human touch and it sucks to not have had it for the last year and a half!!!

Failure to thrive syndrome...like the babies in orphanages.

Do you understand that forrest

[littlebitlost]

It is called Royce's Relationship Resource - Save your marriage.

[littlebitlost]

Pushing ANYTHING is counterproductive -- you must be patient and let him come around on HIS terms and in HIS time. Again, don't push ANYTHING. Patience isn't a virtue in our situation -- it's an absolute necessity!

I know this statement is true and I have a saying for myself...it is : the only one I need to push is me! Sometimes I just forget to say it though!

[littlebitlost]

Gone Dancing...sorry the book is called 'It only takes one to get the ball rolling. My mistake.

I wanted to post this as On Listening and this is in relation to dealing with your partner........it seems to be a very common cmoplaint with couples.

(By Ralph Roughton)


When I ask you to listen to me and you start by giving advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen, not talk or do...just hear me.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

And I can do for myself. I'm not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

But when you accept as simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understaning what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people...because God is mute, and He doesn't give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out yourself.

So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I'll listen to you.

Listening, real listening is what most people fail to do...listening is done not only with the ears but with all of our being. It is compasion and a tolerance that another may say something you dont want to hear......real listening is a gift and a duty in love that you give to another that tells them they are cherished and of worth.

[GoodGuy]

Lost,
What a great post on "Listening", I think it is (was) part of the problem with me, I was always trying to problem solve instead of feeling her needs and just plain 'ol listening.
Thanks for that, I am doing better when I speak to my W, I don't try to explain away her feelings, they are real and valid, I am leaving her be for the most part, but I really miss her.
I am also out of a job, and honestly feeling a little sorry for myself today. I re-wrote my resume, and I need to quit throwing myself a pity party as Gone Dancin' suggested. I have a couple of irons in the fire, and just like my marriage, I need to be very patient, the lack of which is the least of my qualities.
Hope things are okay with you Lost.

[GoodGuy]

Gone Dancin',
Thanks for reminding all of us about patience, I have been very good lately in discussions with my W, I haven't asked her anything about "Us" in a very long time. I listen better, I can feel myself about to say something, and I don't, yeah for me!

My S has been acting up in class, I feel it is partly due to our separation, but my W doesn't think so, she said it went on last year somewhat too, I didn't agree or disagree with her, I just listened, is that the right way to approach that?
This week could be a test for my S, since it was Friday after school that I told him I had lost my job, and his words through his tears haunt me everyday "Why does all this bad stuff keep happening to us dad?" I am trying to reassure him that it will all work out. I told my W that there was a permission slip in his school backpack for a class for "students of loss or divorce" with the guidance counselor, I asked my W if I should sign it and return it, she knew about the class and she didn't want to do that? Gone Dancin', does that mean she isn't thinking about D, or she feels my S doesn't need it, or none of the above??? I know, I shouldn't drive myself crazy with trying to read too much into things.

I have my doubts about just about everything these days.
I had a couple of posts some time ago that said I was interested in the girl at the bank, I got a tongue lashing from a couple of people, and I resented it, now I can see I deserved it.
I feel needy, not a good time to be around my W I guess.
I felt lonely with only my evenings to kill and a busy schedule, now without a job, the time off is going to really bug me, I'm keeping busy, but there is only so much you can do when you aren't working.
Advice please.

[Heimlich]

Lost,

I'd be interested in reading that ebook if you'd care to share it on the "black market", so to speak. I have a few I could share with you as well. [e-mail]

GG,
If the class is for student's whose parents are divorced, you may want to doublecheck 1) with the counselor to see if it's appropriate for your son and 2) with your W as to why she doesn't think your S didn't need to go. If she's burying her head in the sand about the impact of this on your S, she's lying to herself. Identify and do what's right for your S.

BD