new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

So the ride home today was horrible. I had 6 hours to think about myt weekend, my marriage and my children and I have totally fallen off the happy wagon.

I have done nothing but cry all day long thinking about coming home and him being in his new home. I know how it feels. It feels fantastic. When i got my own apartment it felt wonderful because it was mine and my space. I made it what i wanted it to be. I want him to look around his place and think that it would be nice if I was there. This place will have nothing of me there. One more step to forgetting the marriage and his wife.

I thought alot about it today and you know what I realized. It is easier to go day to day when I shut the world out. It is easier not to face my fears, my shortcomings, my mistakes, my skeletons. It is easier to just put up the wall and keep everyone on the other side. I was able to cope better when I just didnt let people in. If I did not let them know how I was doing or feeling or progressing. When I wasnt' standing 'naked in the rain' with my emotions and my fears out there for the world to see.

I could put on the mask and just be whatever I needed to be, whatever the situation calls for.

Now I have opened the floodgates and it has caused me more pain than I could ever have imagined possible. I realized this weekend as I looked around at the couples holding hands and nuzzling each other, kissing and all that 'crap' again like a slap in the face, just what I have lost.

I feel like I'm falling apart again. I called aaron. I was supposed to go by his house to see it and pick up the kids. I sent him a text saying I was almost into town and he replied that he would be in my end of town and he could just drop off the kids. I said that really if he wanted to keep them he could as I was not feeling great. Need some time I think to just lie down and cry. He said fine. He was on his way to this end of town to pick up a new 46inch flat screen tv, surround system and dvd player.

I have to ask him tomorrow for some money for childcare. He said he wold start paying once he was in the new house. I feel sick about asking. I feel sick about talking to him. I wish he coudl or wanted to or would hug me just so i could cry. I know he wont, doesnt want to and yeah I know this isnt a side of me I should let him see BUT part of our problem was that I was so emotionally detached. Showing that emotion is unappealing I know. So is a man that cna watch his wife cry and not watn to console her.

I think that htis weekend I started to realize just how little I mean to him. Never calls unless its about the kdis. How to build a friendship with someone who really doesnt care all that much about how I truly am is going to be soooo hard and I guess may not even be a possiblity.

I have to pick my self up but today i'm not even sure that I can.

[Forrest Gump]

Oh I like it. The real you comes shining through.

And Lo and behold The Role Reversal. You remember me telling you "I need someone" won't work for ya? I told you people can't change who they are. You gave it one hell of a try. You learned something.

Keep reading.

Don't stop on my next comment.

Sad thing is you could have learned just as much staying in your marriage. You did not have the tools to do it. No one taught you this crap in school. No one told you what it was really gonna be like. You made the decision to leave.

Now that I have brought you down a little bit more. I am ready to build you up. Its gonna be blunt.

WTF up. Stop blaming yourself for where you are at. You did what you thought you needed to do. Take this emotion and channel it into picking yourself up. I told you he was seeing both of the "You's". I am still showing my wife the both of the "Me's" Just stop it. I am not gonna feel sorry for you (that comes from my perspective on things) but I am gonna tell you. STOP What you are doing Right now!!! He learnt well. He read the books. He watched the movie. Trust me he still feels "IT". I would almost bet money that he is feeling it right now this very second. He heard what you said. He knows what you are feeling. He is walking away with his Big screen and his Surround Sound, And His New House. I will say it again WTF up.

I am gonna give you a little bit of something to distract you.

It involves timing. You and me both suck at it.

Electricty flows at 60 hertz. When you need constant power you buy a generator. Rich people put that generator on a switch that does it all for them. Power goes out. Generator starts. Switch comes on. Power back on. The interesting part to me is when the power comes back on. The switch can't just switch. It has to "Get in Sync" with the power that is coming in. If for some reason the power from the power company is coming in at 60.5 hertz. Guess what the generator will do. It will run until it runs out of fuel. It will NEVER switch over.

We are out of sync. If we run out of gas what will happen? Cool thing about people is they don't need fuel. We just have to find a way to get "In Sync"

[littlebitlost]

WTF up.

What the hell does this mean?

STOP What you are doing Right now!!! He learnt well. He read the books. He watched the movie. Trust me he still feels "IT". I would almost bet money that he is feeling it right now this very second. He heard what you said. He knows what you are feeling. He is walking away with his Big screen and his Surround Sound, And His New House. I will say it again WTF up.

What am I supposed to be stopping. What is the "IT" he feels. i'm not dumb really but I dont get what you are talking about.

You remember me telling you "I need someone" won't work for ya

You know what...I dont NEED him. I WANT him and my family. I uswed to need him like i needed air. COuldnt breathe when he wasnt around. Counted on him for everything. NOW I count on me and noone else. I can breathe and I do. I have told him as much also.

I am really afraid of what I have lost or have the potential of losing. I dont know how to make it ok.

[Gone Dancin']

lost,

Have you looked into counseling? I think that if you can find a good counselor who can help you redirect your energy toward positive things and positive feelings of self worth and independence, you will feel a lot better about where you are at, which will in turn help you deal with things a lot better. You are letting your feelings of desparation get the best of you, and the sooner you can grieve your loss and get back on top of things emotionally, the better.

Don't get me wrong -- I know just how you feel. I had a few different bawling episodes that literally drove me to the brink of insanity (and they were even something like 5-6 months apart). My last breakdown (and I think my final one -- hopefully) was in mid-May -- the day before I found this website. I screamed, bawled, screamed some more, bawled some more, screamed and bawled simultaneously, etc. I know the pain you're feeling, and the helplessness you're letting consume you. I know these feelings. And please make sure you take the time to grieve your loss, because you need to before you can get healthy again. However, when you're ready to get back to business make sure you've got your extreme grieving out of the way. Buy Divorce Remedy and read it (it will help you get control of yourself and your emotions), buy some other good self-help books (I like Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher -- great read and great for working through your loss!), and get see a good counselor to help you through this difficult time.

It's good to come here and get your emotions out vs. w/ your H (at least the extreme ones that show desparation). Keep doing so, and asking for advice when you need it.

All the best,

GD

[Forrest Gump]

Wake The F Up.

Read your post. I suck at communicating I want people to get it on their own. You are showing him the "You's" I told you that you were.

I, ME, Moi get that you don't need him. You have made that perfectly clear. He thinks you "NEED" it. You still can't breathe when he is around. You have written it down. Not litterally but I saw it. I don't know you. I could see it 30 posts ago. Now I am the source of your frustration/anger.

"IT" All the stuff you have pointed out. Pain, Emotion, Distance, Hurt, Anger... All that stuff.

He wants you and your family. Not the way it used to be. He is scared of the old you he sees. Do I really have to spell it out for you? I would be scared of the old you to. This stuff is hard by the way. It is really hard for me to type this out. I half the time don't know where it comes from. I can't walk you thru it. As much as I wish I could I can't.

You have not lost anything. You have said you changed. Let the changes shine. He will see them.

[littlebitlost]

Hey gone dancing.

I am in counselling every thursday nite!!!

I have bought and am consuming all kinds of self help books and H dropped a couple off actually last thursday as well.

I will say I have done the major grieving I believe for about 3 months and that was up until about 4 weeks ago. That was when I really started to pull myself together. I have days where I still fall down, but the difference is I can brush myself off and get back up now whereas then I could not.

This weekend witht the wedding was what sort of pulled me apart at the seams today. It is not a reguolar occurance.

psssst ; I did the kicking screaming and carrying on already!!! BUT I wont be surprised if I dont have another tantrum here and there.

[littlebitlost]

Hey forrest

Now I am the source of your frustration/anger

So not true. And I jsut wanted to make sure I was getting what you were saying.

And before I felt like I could not breathe IF HE WAS NOT around. Now I know I can. I can also breathe when he is around. That was my point. I dont NEED him like I did.

[Gone Dancin']

How long have you been in counseling and how is it going for you? Are you happy with the counselor you have?

I still suggest buying Divorce Remedy if you want to figure out some strategies on getting H back. I love my copy, and constantly refer to it (did so for about 45 min today, as a matter of fact).

[Gone Dancin']

I dont NEED him like I did.

Honestly, lost, I sense through your posts that you still do need him. It may not be quite as bad as it was, but I agree with FG that your neediness comes across in your posts. We all go through it, I think, so it is perfectly normal to feel that way. However, take steps to stop feeling that way. "Fake it 'til you make it" is a cliche saying around here, but it is an absolutely useful strategy, esp in getting from "needing" to "wanting". Keep "acting as if" you don't need him until you get to the point where you actually don't. Easier said than done, but do what you can to weather the storm and get to a point where you're perfectly comfortable and content with OR without him.

GD

[littlebitlost]

Gone: I have been in counselling for about a month and a half and yes she is great. She actually was aarons counsellor first and so has great perspective. He did alot of research as he wanted someone who had experienced similar situations herself.

Eventually I have asked and he said someday but not now to go to her together and she would like to see him there now but he has said that he is not ready. I think he believes I will push the marriage. What I really want to push is the communication and what his issues are iwth me and also what my fears were and how I have and am dealing.

As for the book...I have not bought it yet but I will. I have bought the book from the other forum and the pricipals are or seem to be almost exactly the same. I have read it several times and have actually loaned it to a friend right now. I wil get around to buying this one as well though.

I have days wehre I break down and this was definitely that day. If I had brought a date (friend) with me I dont think it would have been as hard for me. I thought that a bad idea but I am now second guessing that decision.