Have you looked into counseling? I think that if you can find a good counselor who can help you redirect your energy toward positive things and positive feelings of self worth and independence, you will feel a lot better about where you are at, which will in turn help you deal with things a lot better. You are letting your feelings of desparation get the best of you, and the sooner you can grieve your loss and get back on top of things emotionally, the better.
Don't get me wrong -- I know just how you feel. I had a few different bawling episodes that literally drove me to the brink of insanity (and they were even something like 5-6 months apart). My last breakdown (and I think my final one -- hopefully) was in mid-May -- the day before I found this website. I screamed, bawled, screamed some more, bawled some more, screamed and bawled simultaneously, etc. I know the pain you're feeling, and the helplessness you're letting consume you. I know these feelings. And please make sure you take the time to grieve your loss, because you need to before you can get healthy again. However, when you're ready to get back to business make sure you've got your extreme grieving out of the way. Buy Divorce Remedy and read it (it will help you get control of yourself and your emotions), buy some other good self-help books (I like Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher -- great read and great for working through your loss!), and get see a good counselor to help you through this difficult time.
It's good to come here and get your emotions out vs. w/ your H (at least the extreme ones that show desparation). Keep doing so, and asking for advice when you need it.
