Glad they did not go to OW. I know what our heads can to do to us when we panic. I am currently reading a book on being a control freak- which is me to a T there is one quote that really stuck out
“Don’t talk to me, don’t touch me – stay with me”
That is pretty much me, I have been doing some heavy work with my C and my need is to punish and pay back those who hurt me – which pretty much describes a lot of our M – very sad to see that - too late.
I believe the IVF was a big part in our problems, but it was more that we chose to push it under the rug instead of deal with it. Just like we are both doing now with our M – no communication.
I had a very good talk with a friend last night who is quite spiritual and she thinks I need to take things at my pace and not try and fix everything right now and I am analysing my sitch to much.
Things we discussed
I believe H has moved on from our M and just does not know how to communicate it to me with words but I think he thinks he has or I am just hearing what I want to hear.
He has said
He mourned out M 6 months ago We are probably a year to late to try to save it He will not give in to my demands for answer just because I want it
When I say to him well end it and he does the "I don’t know" because every time I talk about ending M I also add well lets sell the house and cut everything when really they are 2 separate issues. Our emotional connection and our financial connection.
I need to get out of my head and put my ego away and decide whether I want this M or not. Very very hard to do when I feel like I have been wronged, also if H does not want to be with me why would I try to force him by giving ultimatums and demands, why can’t I just let things be for a while, because I feel like I have been wronged and really who would want to be with someone who is demanding that they love them.
I have said in my other posts that he does not take me seriously – well I believe in his mind we are no longer together and he is doing nothing wrong – just going along in his life. But my need is it to tell him that he is wrong – which is more of the same behavior in his eyes.
I have decided I need to stop discussing this with any friends as they just don’t want me to be hurt and keep telling me what I should do.
Some things I need to think about:
Do I need to hear him say I don’t want you in order for me to move on? Aren’t his actions showing me that by having OW.
Do I need him to admit he cheated on me to make me feel better and him feel guilt.
He is not doing anything to me, I am playing the victim he is not making me one.
By me selling up house – I lose out why should I move out and pay rent when I can live here rent free.
Everyone is saying to me he is having his cake and eating it as well, well he is not getting any cake from me – they think that he just thinks he can come home to me when he wants – well that is not true he is taking a risk that I will not be here waiting for him with open arms – whether he knows that or not does it really matter.
OW does not really come into it, what has she got, she only has him and I think he would be pretty defective at the moment whether he is showing it or not, I don’t think anyone can walk away after 15 years and think they are OK whether he mourned it or not, I was living in this house with him and I did not see much mourning going on. I am sure I would have noticed. So she has a man that is living in a granny flat with very basic amenities, I am living in our home with all the comforts, She can not touch his money as it is tied with mine, she can not marry him as he is not divorced and can’t get one at least for a year – its law. She may be pushing herself into our social scene, but she has to live in my shadow whether she likes that or not - our friends will not just accept her with open arms. She can’t even be a girlfriend because he is not single. So she is his mistress. So I guess I have a lot more power then she has at the moment – and I am sure that will piss her off even more.
Also every day I get stronger and am learning so much about myself, even though I do not have many conversations with him the ones I do have from now on will be when I am totally in control of my emotions and that will piss him off – as he expects me to lose it as it makes it easier for him to move on from a crazy women.
So my thinking is I will do nothing, and decide what I want to do with my life, I am going to get out there and try and date – very scary thought and try and enjoy myself. I have signed up for some personal development courses this month.
So that’s me – all sounds good in theory, but putting it all into practice is what I need to do, my main problem is I don’t know how to control my emotions when I am round him and to sooth my heartache – but I guess time will do that.
Ahh - some days it feels like the penny has finally dropped and others I am a mess, I guess I need to learn from AA one day at a time.
But it feels so good to get this all out thank you for being there.
