I'm still doing it

[LL44]

Yes, neph!!! Yes!!! Even if you know (and we know lol) you still care what they are doing, you can't let them know!!! Your 1-4 items are perfect, may I use them as well???

[nephartiti]

lwb, use whatever helps! Lord knows I hijack stuff from you. I am trying to follow your example of being one classy lady above all this petty BS.

[shell-shocked]

Do you think the scan Geek Squad did is sufficient. Should I still rebuild?

nephartiti I admire your resourcefulness in contacting geek squad so quick ... well done.

If the geek squad was instructed to look for viruses or adware only, then they wouldn't necessary find any potential keyloggers since they wouldn't have specifically looked for them. Keyloggers or other type of spyware are not the same as viruses and are not detected by anti virus software. If they looked for keyloggers or any other type of spyware and didn't find anything then lets assume your pc is ok. Rebuilding can be onerous and can have its own set of problems. In the pc world rebuilding is considered the LRT :->

OK assuming you will prevent physical access to your pc in the future the next step is securing your data that can be accessed from other computers without the use of spyware and keyloggers. These include any online accounts you have such as email, banking, amazon, etc.

If someone knows your email address, email server and email password they can set up an email client on any pc with those same settings and access your email without deleting them from the server. You should change your email password used to log into the email server. Normally this password is configured in the email software so you don't have to type it everytime you access your email. You would have to contact your email provider to find out how to change the password. The other thing you can do is get an additional different email account that your H does not know about. They are freely available through hotmail, google, yahoo etc.

The next step is to change any passwords used to access online banking or online shopping accounts. These accounts can also be accessed from any pc with knowledge of the account number and password. Sometimes these online services have a series of security questions that can be answered to obtain forgotten passwords. If this is the case then change them to questions that your H does not know the answers to.

When choosing passwords they should be sufficiently strong to avoid being easily guessed or cracked using hacker software. Not expecting your H to use hacking software but regardless when you go online there are plenty of other people who will, so let's be safe from everyone. A sufficiently strong password should be at least 8 characters long and include at least one uppercase character, one lowercase character, one number and one special character like ! or ? or *. The password should not be a dictionary or slang word or a word somehow associated with you. To make it easier to remember it can be word-like such as "Sn0w%man". Use the same password as much as possible. This is easier than trying to remember many passwords. Write the password down on a piece of paper and put it in a safe place to be used if you forget it. Lastly change your password regularily so if someone guessed it they could only use it until the next change. Once every three months should suffice.

OK that's about it ... good luck.

[mkultra]

It is a difficult decision to restrict access to the primary residence. I did and I have not regretted it once. I know I was going to have to end acting as if though if he no longer came to the home that was once ours. But it has been a blessing. This is now my private residence and my haven. I do not hace access to where he sleeps, or his mail, or his computer. He has been underground. Will it bring him home. probably not. Who knows. Does he miss our home? I have no idea. Jury says no most likely. Sometimes I do get jealous of Morgan's sitch, how her H still comes over an dputs the kids to bed and there is semblance of a home life that is appealing to the family, we miss out on that good stuff. I do remember my H waiting for me to get out of the shower and watching TV with him, sitting around. we do not have that. i guess you still do to a point. It just felt right to tell him I felt uncomfortable with him here. If he was not going to really be here. and come home.

[theotherhalf]

mk I too have told my H that he is no longer to be in our house when I am not home. So now when we leave we are sure to lock the deadbolt which H does not have a key.

I really hate it that I made that call. But know that I have to stick to it. Also I know that he is not here at all when I am not and that is comforting.

H is still auto depositing so he pays for this house. But I had to draw the line somewhere. As he started to take things when I was gone. (Just a couple and they were his)Then with the threat of D so real I knew that with the doors locked he will have to ask me for any important info.

When I first told him he was p***ed. Then seem to be okay. Then one night when he had a drunken fit he told me he wanted me out of his f***ing house and off his property. He apologized the next day and that was the last of it.

I know that he hates it, but he also knows he made his bed. I hate having to keep him out when it's just as much his home as mine. But I did not do this...

[nephartiti]

Shell-shocked, thank you so much for the valuable info. I thoroughly explained the sitch to the Geek so I am fairly sure he was extensive enough. I have already changed all passwords on all accounts and have been changing them regularly. I also have established verbal codes at my bank and with the cell phone account.

Thanks for the feedback, Ladies. It is a difficult decision. I would rather let him be here than take the kids to who knows where. However, I am not sure I want him here alone. If I made it that difficult for him to see the kids, he may never come. They would just see it as some ploy for me to try and squeeze my way back into his life. They think really highly of themselves. I'm really getting to the point where I would rather not deal with him at all.

I checked the bank account. He was shopping at the grocery store in Riverside that we always went to. So he went to visit family. Could he possibly be introducing her to everyone already? Am I that disposable? That blows my mind. What is he going to tell them? He's been gone a month and a half and they are going to believe he just started seeing her? Maybe they don't care. Maybe they will just go with the flow to make him "happy". Maybe he's going to borrow money to get a lawyer. Wish I hadn't looked. I'm not going to react. I'm not going to react. This is speculation. Maybe he went by himself. I'm not going to react. I have no control over any of them. I'm not going to react.

I'm going to go have ice cream with S2. S2 had a rough day today. He's been very emotional and he fell off his skate board and scraped his nose. He asked to call H. I sent a TM, before I found out about bank charge, to ask when we can call b/c S2 gets upset when he doesn't answer. H hasn't responded. So much for "S2 can call me ANY time."

D will be 6 months old tomorrow. She is rolling around all over. She is really starting to engage with everyone. She thinks S2 is hilarious. She also has discovered the magic of sucking on her toes! LOL I'm sure I'm happier than H. Who needs him?

[Reincarnated]

Oh, Neph...don't react! You know it.

And of course you are happier than H. Yours is a happiness that is real, and true, and allows you to look in the mirror, one that you will never, ever regret--being there to love and enjoy your children.

Stay strong,
D

[nephartiti]

Speculation central...

I got an answer to my TM at 1:10 AM that S2 can call "Anytime. Is everything ok?". Yeah, ok. He spent the night in Riverside where his family is (per bank charges for Sat and Sun). There was a charge for dinner for two Sunday evening at a restaurant we frequented. I think it's sick that he takes her everywhere we used to go. At least the whole family didn't go. I could be optimistic and think he didn't take her, that he is staying with family. However, if that were the case, he would have answered that TM sooner I think. This is unbelievable to me. He's already looking for acceptance from his family.

I feel like I'm kidding myself here. This man is not coming back. He's starting a life with someone else. My head hurts.

I'm taking the kids to the farmer's market and then the park. Screw him.

[mkultra]

No more snooping, no more conjecturing. Assume the worst but act as if you give him the benefit of the doubt. He sees himself the way you reflect him. Make it a positive. I have no idea if he is conspiring with his OP or if he is introducing her to his parents. I am naive by choice but it would be funny if he was talking to his mom on the phone that day.

You are better than that anyways. Think of it this way, if you do reconcile, you would want him to be honest and transparent. Then you would have to be honest and transparent too. No more spying, snooping, conjecturing, following, etc. That is so Jerry Springer anyways. I have done it too, believe me, especially with the online banking and cell phone. I just now through away the proof and deleting all his emails. It feels so good to get rid of all that affair evidence!!!

But what does it prove. That they met someone else who is available, younger, prettier, less moral, weaker, stronger, dumber, willing to have sex because there are no crying babies in the next room, how easy and mammalian, let's evolve folks. Who cares? These OP do not matter.

We have to deal with these blokes until grandparents age so let's hold up our head and refuse to sink.

If you can deal with him in the house, keep it up as much as possible. Think about 789, and how patient and obliging he was. he gave his wife all the space she needed and she finally needed to be fed, so she came home. WS are like dogs this way. We can chase them away, but i they get hungry and we reward them for coming home, they stop running away. And you know your H is missing your meals, your kids, your everything. He is just lost and hurt. Don't exacerbatet he sitch with losing his trust too.

[nephartiti]

Thanks, Mk. You make a very good point. I am snooping a lot less, but you are right. What good doesit do? I justify it by saying that /i am protecting myself, but I can protect myself without knowing all the gory details of what they are doing. It only makes it harder to act "as if" and makes it so much easier to get discouraged.

I took the kids to the farmer's market. H called soon after we arrived (during OW's conference no less). I answered. He sounded a little hesitant, but I was upbeat and asked if he wanted to talk to S2. He said yes, but first he wanted to talk to me He wanted to know if we were home so he could stop by. I told him where we were and that he was welcome to come. He said he had some errands but was going to stop by the house. I old him we were going to be a while and asked if he needed to pick up anything. He said he brought the drill for me from his dad's (I had asked to borrow it on Friday) and wanted to drop it off. He said he spent the weekend at his dad's. I asked how everyone was. Small talk. Then he started telling me stuff about school and actually asked my opinion. I didn't think I heard him right. When he repeated himself, I didn't know what to say. I do not want to be his fix it person, but I also don't want to reject his candid convo. I just told him he had to do what he had to do, blah, blah, whatever he thought was best. I made two mistakes. The first was when he asked about the car we are junking. He already told me to do whatever I thought was best with it, but my L said I need it in writing. He brought up the fact that the car was still sitting there and I told him I needed him to sign off on it b/c it is considered a joint asset. Before that came up, he was considering coming to see us at the park. After that, he decided to do what he had to do in LA. Mistake number two was, after talking about what will happen if he doesn't meet his deadline (losing his job, which I wouldn't mind), I mentioned that there was always other stuff out there. He said the idea of starting over was scary. I said "Yeah, I know. That's the story of your life these days, though. Starting over." I said it lightly, laughing, but I think it was a little bit too close to R talk. He said that every day this past month and a half has been like starting over. "You know what I mean."
"Yes, I know." I definitely know.
We were going to hang up, but then he asked how I was doing. :)Good. Then he asked about my family--mom, brother, grandparents, etc. Said they were all good. More small talk. He said he was going to leave the drill in the back yard and that he would call tomorrow AM to see the kids. For the record, he did not ask how S9 was doing

Total convo = 16 minutes, about four of those were talking to S2.

Not bad. He's made the last several calls. If he really comes over tomorrow, that will the shortest span of time between visits. I'm sure he was expecting me to ream him about spending so much money, but hey, it's his money. He can spend it if he wants, where he wants. I'm not reacting. In fact, I'm going to stop at the library and check out some books on passive aggressive personalities.

He did not drop off the drill yet.