Who knows what is just around the corner? Success is sometimes hiding right around the corner but we may never know unless we prevail. I guess you have to look at the big picture now. Can you keep on DBing? Do you have a choice? All the hard work you have done is not for nothing. You are already a better person for DBing.
I am sorry there has been a cycle of absent dads in your H's life. It is also generational for my family. How I wish I could end that cycle with my son. I want to raise a boy who will be a great father which means a great H first! I think we can but not having a man around can be very draining.
I think what Neph said was SPOT ON! She has such amazing insight and intuition.
Re: Tenth. My D6 suggested we spend that day celebrating, playing wedding at the winery again. No. I wanted it to be just a regular day where no one said anything about it. Sorry. That is just me. Maybe you feel differently.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Your anxiety is amplified in your post. Just from experience, I know this is the first emotion that you must learn to control if you ever expect to feel better. The only way to do that is to "detach" and so far, you have not been able to do that.
Your giving your H to much power over you. You need to break that cycle or it's going to break you. It's really that simple.
I hope you can learn to do this so that you can begin to see the possibilities before you.
Tom
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Tom-- I am going to pretend that you wrote that to me, too.
Morgan, I hope that you can release that pressure cooker...I know what it looks like when it explodes.
Try to just let it go. Will anything change if you file for D right now? If you were D'd tomorrow, would anything look different to you? I think we would still be stuck in the emotional no-man's land--having the piece of paper isn't going to make us detach any better.
Tom--How is it, exactly, that one "detaches," anyway? I can THINK about it, but I don't really FEEL it... Can we really control this feeling at all, or is it just a matter of time? What is the difference between detaching and giving up?
MK, you flatter me and give me way too much credit.
I think Tom could have been speaking to any one of us. Detaching is so hard yet so important. It is not giving up, but it is stepping out ogf the engagement. You no longer become a participating party in the dramatic process of the WAS. You don't let them push your buttons or raise the heat on the pressure cooker. Those buttons and dials are off limits to them.
Take your space, Morgan. Do not engage with him until you are ready. I know you are thinking of D because you are PO'd and hurt and just plain tired of everything. You need a breather. Donna is right. The D would not change what you are dealing with right now. Even if you D and H stays with OW, you will still be dealing with this man because of the kids. You have to learn to detach regardless. I have to follow my own advice. Btw, you don't have to wait til your anniversary to go dark. Do it when you need it.
Take care. I hope you feel better soon. We could make some of that cookie dough and pull out the wine. I think we could all use some after the week we all seemed to have had.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
I don't think I can improve on the "how to" beyond what nep says accept to say it takes a lot of patients and perseverance. I agree that detaching is not the same as giving up and I think that sometimes that view of it discourages some on here from doing it. They think they somehow give up their control of how the situation will develop when all along they had no control to begin with. Detaching is not so much a strategy for winning them back as it is a tool for you to better deal with your own emotions. I know that anxiety eats you up inside. You can't be happy or in control in your life when all you do is think about where they are, what are they doing, what are they thinking, will we ever get back together, what did they mean when they said that to me, what will happen tomorrow, the next day, the day after that, etc. Leave tomorrow for tomorrow and don't get involved in their drama or confusion.
Donna, as far as it being something that comes with time or something we can control, I would say it's both. I'm sure you have heard the phrase "fake it until you make it" on here many times. In simple terms it's telling yourself you'll be fine either way when your actually feeling your world crashing around you. Your in essence playing mind games on yourself. Our WAS are naturals at it, but it takes more practice for us sane ones to master it.
I really feel compassion for somebody going through this because I've been there. It sucks the energy out of you and suffocates the enjoyment in life that you deserve. I wasted a whole year in this state of mind. I felt a fantastic rebirth when I learned to finally "let go". It is a learning process. I hope everyone learns to do this, we have kids that are counting on our emotional well being.
Tom
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
thanks all. I woke up at 4:30 with bile rising in my stomach, I was still that upset about stuff, freaked out, etc. I came downstairs and ended up reading all of your responses then. really, thank you. they exactly what I needed to hear. atgo, you saying that I am letting H have too much power really stuck out to me. you are right, I am. I felt like I had made a lot of progress on that front, but I can see the backslide and what I was allowing to happen all over again.
I went back upstairs and just thought for a long time, finally dozed for about a half hour before it was time to start my day.
no more. the calendar is flipped. it's october now. and amazingly, the sun is still shining, the birds are still chirping, and the day-to-day stuff still needs to be done. and you know what, I am going to get thru this. It is going to be a tough couple of weeks, I can tell that, but I'm going to focus on the good. I'm going to focus on me. on what I have control over, on what I want out of life, not on what I don't have.
neph, your point about what will D change for me was a good one. there are some things that it will change for me, but its stuff I can probably change now, w/o a divorce. until I am 100% ready, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not even going to tell H to go choke on his guilt, which is what I want to do. I'm going to get back to me. somehow, I'm going to get that focus back. therapy tomorrow, need to get my journal out of hiding and get going on that again.
H is coming by tonight. he feels rotten about how things went with the kids, particularly how things ended yesterday when he left. when he talked to them this morning, he asked if he could come by, and I will not refuse the kids, so even though I don't want to see him, I said yes. will go run an errand somewhere while he's here.
well, happy october, all. going to make this first day a good one. going to take back october, and fill it with good memories that have nothing to do with H. today S5 goes to school and I'm headed back to the gym...hopefully my knee is better. after school, going to suprise the kids with a picnic lunch at a local farm, spend some time with the animals, get some apple cider donuts, and just have some fun running around a corn maze.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
thanks, donna. I did check out that site when SOTS first posted the link. I even printed out the detachment section. just kind of lost it a bit again...no more. need to get back on the horse.
looking forward to meeting you! wow, its coming up fast.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hey Morgan, Yes, it is October and I know what you are thinking. This is still my favorite time of year and we have much to look forward to , I know we also have some stuff to dread. I need to get over my birthday alone and you need to deal with your tenth anniversary. Who knows? Maybe we will be pleasantly surprised, maybe we will be dissappointed, maybe it will be a normal day with the kids on a picnic blanket or a walk in rain puddles, we'll see, maybe will wake up the next day, and think, big deal.
And maybe, just maybe, don't go there MK, maybe our H's will be thinking about how much they threw away.
Because we are going to be fabulous this month and they know it, right?
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
OK I have to dredge this sludge of romance up. Don't hate me for helping you wallow, but tell me. Why did you decide to wed in October? Don't cry. Just purge it then go zen, OK.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I think we could all use some after the week we all seemed to have had.