new here and really worried

[littlebitlost]

So the ride home today was horrible. I had 6 hours to think about myt weekend, my marriage and my children and I have totally fallen off the happy wagon.

I have done nothing but cry all day long thinking about coming home and him being in his new home. I know how it feels. It feels fantastic. When i got my own apartment it felt wonderful because it was mine and my space. I made it what i wanted it to be. I want him to look around his place and think that it would be nice if I was there. This place will have nothing of me there. One more step to forgetting the marriage and his wife.

I thought alot about it today and you know what I realized. It is easier to go day to day when I shut the world out. It is easier not to face my fears, my shortcomings, my mistakes, my skeletons. It is easier to just put up the wall and keep everyone on the other side. I was able to cope better when I just didnt let people in. If I did not let them know how I was doing or feeling or progressing. When I wasnt' standing 'naked in the rain' with my emotions and my fears out there for the world to see.

I could put on the mask and just be whatever I needed to be, whatever the situation calls for.

Now I have opened the floodgates and it has caused me more pain than I could ever have imagined possible. I realized this weekend as I looked around at the couples holding hands and nuzzling each other, kissing and all that 'crap' again like a slap in the face, just what I have lost.

I feel like I'm falling apart again. I called aaron. I was supposed to go by his house to see it and pick up the kids. I sent him a text saying I was almost into town and he replied that he would be in my end of town and he could just drop off the kids. I said that really if he wanted to keep them he could as I was not feeling great. Need some time I think to just lie down and cry. He said fine. He was on his way to this end of town to pick up a new 46inch flat screen tv, surround system and dvd player.

I have to ask him tomorrow for some money for childcare. He said he wold start paying once he was in the new house. I feel sick about asking. I feel sick about talking to him. I wish he coudl or wanted to or would hug me just so i could cry. I know he wont, doesnt want to and yeah I know this isnt a side of me I should let him see BUT part of our problem was that I was so emotionally detached. Showing that emotion is unappealing I know. So is a man that cna watch his wife cry and not watn to console her.

I think that htis weekend I started to realize just how little I mean to him. Never calls unless its about the kdis. How to build a friendship with someone who really doesnt care all that much about how I truly am is going to be soooo hard and I guess may not even be a possiblity.

I have to pick my self up but today i'm not even sure that I can.