There and Back, #7

[SallyM]

thanks. he did know I was home earlier/not overnight somewhere, btw, because I called the kids this morning to say hi (caller id). neph, you have given me a lot to think about here...will see how things go, but maybe you are right.

interesting point, my3sons, btw, about him being tired from dealing with the 3 little ones w/o mommy to help. I think you might have something there.

there was a subplot to the drama this morning. the kids came home with more new books, and I mentioned to H that they just want to spend time with him, he doesn't have to feel like he has to buy them stuff every single weekend. he said at least he is just getting them books, which is good, but i don't think its good for them to get stuff new every single time they are with him. I pointed out how crazy it used to make him when his mom and grandmother would do the same thing...every time they came to see the kids, they would bring stuff. he understood what I was saying then...stood out to him.

later when he called, he told me S5 was acting like a brat, wasn't satisfied with anything, wasn't happy about anything. I told him straight out that it has nothing to do with what H buys him or doesn't buy him. I told him I'm not trying to make him feel guilty, but this is all really hard on S5, and he's acting out a bit. H said there is nothing I could say that would make him feel more guilt than he already does. I re-iterated I wasn't trying to add to the guilt, but honestly that buying stuff every weekend is not good for the kids.

reminds me of what H's mom/grandmother did to him as a kid...they bought him stuff/did stuff for him constantly to make up for what he didn't have (mainly a dad). I can see just how detrimental that has been for H. Even H sees it. but somehow that guilt-shopping still goes on.

I understand it, I do. but they would have been better served going to a park for an hour instead of going to barnes and noble again.

anyway, rant over. the kids are in bed a bit early tonight...they were tired and crabby and honestly so am I. I am ready to call H and just end things...schedule a time to work out the divorce details. Is it what I want? no. which is why I'm trying to hold off. but I'm just tired of putting up with crap, I guess. Tired and see no change or chance of change. him giving up therapy is huge. I've been trying to wait it out to see if he would get to a point where he would realize he really does need it, but not sure that time is coming. and I'm very sensitive that tomorrow I flip that calendar and poof, its october. october used to be one of my favorite months...now its just filled with crap. their 1st anniversary, our 10th. I need to stop thinking about it, but I can't. going to try to concentrate on the good stuff in the month. going to fill out the dates in dark ink with fun stuff that is planned so they will stand out. but I can tell the pressure cooker in me wasn't quite fully released.