Is it time to cut him off?

[Dom R]

Regarding feeling like he is backing me into a plan B--you are right, it would be my CHOICE. Good call on your part. I think that if I am going to show any self-respect, I will be forced into it.

Sounds like you're still not getting it :-P
If you're talking "plan B from marriagebuilders", what you're saying doesnt go together.

In contrast, however, his repetition of claimng to "need to miss you", is incredibly frustrating, and I understand that you want to give him "what he is asking for", and he's got it coming to him. That's still not "forced", though. You're abusing the word, to absolve yourself of responsability, methinks.

He says that he doesn't want to "lead me on" and that he doesn't have any idea if we will end up together. (I don't actually think the odds are in my favor.) He also said that if 'this is too hard' for me, then I can let him know.

"In the old days", i've heard it said, that people still went through "mid life crises"... but they STAYED MARRIED. The schmuck/schmuckette went through all their backflips... meanwhile, the other spouse just hunkered down, until they finally got over it.

reguardless of what your own personal schmucky says... you still have a choice. You have a choice of keeping him company through it, or being confrontational about it, and/or of shutting him out of your life until he "really misses you".

Your choice, I'm guessing, will probably determine the tenor of your relationship from then on.
The culture these days would probably encourage you, "confront! stand up for yourself! " yadda yadda yadda.
There's something to be said about that.. if that is what you value. Or, you can go the other way.

Think about this... if EITHER way led to him coming back... which way would you choose?


That "too hard for him" comment, is bizzare. What's suposed to be hard here?
I think he's getting cold feet again, and maybe he's testing you, and/or looking to get "off the hook" himself. if you give up, then "it's not his fault".


Reguardless about what he SAYS, about himself, and about you, blah blah blah... you always have a choice about what YOU are going to do. Whether you are going to remain open to him, and how much.

In some ways, it doesnt matter that he said that he thinks he "needs to miss you". If he really meant it, he would just not talk to you any more, wouldnt he?

He's being a baby again, sounds like.

Maybe it's time for you to talk to him, and see if he'll behave more like a man.

Not neccessarily by confronting him and telling him "BE A MAN, you WIMP!!"
[although i personally would love to know the outcome of that one ]
But by treating him as an adult, and seeing if he responds appropriately.

ie: by bringing up your assumptions aobut talking during the week. and/or just saying, you like talking to him, and just talking during the weekends seems a bit silly to you, particularly since you are "dating".


ORRRRR... you could just give him more "space" for another few weeks, then hit him up with a hard "make your decision" in another 6(?)

I still say: give him everything (positive) you have, until the end of 3 months.
Ignore his spew about "needing to miss you". Show him that you ARE attached to him, and value your time with him, without being "clingy".

When the 3 months come to an end... HE'll KNOW what he is about to lose by then. He wont need to live as a hermit, to understand that.

I think that, contrary to how you feel.. the odds are actually WITH you, if you give him another solid month+ of postive time together.

(he may need to do his stupid florida trip by himself, though. Dont get discouraged by that, if it happens)



aaanyways.. that's still my take on it.


as for my situation... well, I dont want to comment on it, becuaser as I said, every time I do.. kablooie, and last time was no exception.

we'll see how the weekend goes, I guess.
[urk.. resisting the urge to write lots of innuendo about it.. haha. it's been a few weeks, and I'm a very "pent-up" Dommie...miss being with her.]

[Trixi]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

I must have miscommunicated about things 'being too hard'. He told me that if it is too hard for ME, that I am a big girl and have the freedom to cut him off/tell him to call when he is straightened out.

Okay, I'll rephrase the plan B thing. If it becomes clear that he is just using me as a bandaid until he finds someone else, I will go to plan B. How's that?

[Dom R]

I must have miscommunicated about things 'being too hard'. He told me that if it is too hard for ME,...

Oh, i completely understood that. It's a cop-out from him.
That's a softer variant of the old classic, "Honey, i have to divorce you, because I want YOU to be happy".. Uhhhhh. yeah. sure.

They recognize that they want something wrong, so they are reluctant to do it for themselves.. but they're trying to transform it into something "right", and 'noble', by doing it "for you".

NOT!



and/or, he's testing you to see how long you will stick with him, and how much he can get away with.

sheesh. what a baby...

Okay, I'll rephrase the plan B thing. If it becomes clear that he is just using me as a bandaid until he finds someone else, I will go to plan B. How's that?

well.... i can salute you, for taking ownership of the choice, at least
Not the choice that I personally would make. Because for one thing: you are not a mindreader. It would never be 100% sure.
If he actually started DATING someone else, on the other hand, I'd say that's a different ball game.

[Trixi]

Pretty much all of the guy friends I have, shake their heads and say I am making a terrible mistake by continuing to sleep with him. The proverbial "why buy the cow when you can get the milk free".

I believe that the "you're a big girl" statements are so that I can never turn around and say "you used me" because, afterall, he said I could make up my own mind. It relieves him of feeling guilty because it's my choice. Which is true. to a degree.

[Dom R]

Yeah, that's certainly a possibility too.

next time he pulls that line, maybe you should confront him with, "So does that mean you're dating other people again, after you said you werent doing that any more?"

[my3sons]

Smallish update-
On Tuesday took pool playing class and met peeps to join a league. (They need newbies.) (A friend of mine is on the team.)
That was fun.
Wednesday went to Def Lep/Styx/Foreigner concert. It rocked!
H took yesterday and today off from work.
Yesterday we both went to see the intuitive who suggested no more sex so that we learn to communicate intimately without depending on the sex. Yeah. Afterwards at lunch H indicated that while he does want us to improve communication he isn't that interested in stopping the sex. He did come up with a suggestion so that we can communicate more during the week using IMing.

Today we retrieved his truck from his work and he got his guitar. We will be working on the garage.Karaoke tonight. Tomorrow we're going to a town a few hours away to spend the night.

There is a lot more to say about the intuitive, but right now H is singing karaoke to me and is making it difficult for me to focus. (He likes me to give him feedback/advice so I have to pay attention.)

Basically, he'll be with me from Wednesday night to Sunday, so that's 4 whole overnights in a row!

I had to search a bit to get this update. Great that you got out with some new peeps and a new activity. Hopefully you are having a good weekend with H, as well.

But I think it is a predictable cop-out for him to offer to IM you a little during the week as a way to keep the sex going.

BARF.

[Trixi]

But I think it is a predictable cop-out for him to offer to IM you a little during the week as a way to keep the sex going.

BARF.

LOL.
My hope is that it's more than that.

We've been having a very nice time this weekend. He's staying an extra night (tonight) so that's a nice treat.

We start Salsa classes on Wednesday, so I am pretty stoked about that.

Something cool the intuitive said was that as we individually change it causes the other person to change and so H doesn't need to go out and date a whole bunch of other women to date someone different each week. H has definitely been "taking in" things this past few days.

H was criticizing my family and how he just didn't want to have to listen to my mother during the holidays. (He is absolutely correct- she drives me NUTS.) But I felt like I was being thrown out because my family can sometimes suck. I was pissed and finally said "You know, I could throw *your* family under the bus" and he said "oh, you don't have to. I am really disappointed and embarrassed at how petty and judgemental my parents are being. I don't really want to spend the holidays with them either." H said that the only person he really wanted to be with was me.

We went out to our bar on Friday and I told some of our friends that I was considering doing a grown-up pumpkin carving party. I hadn't really mentioned it to H before and he was VERY enthusiastic that we do it. Lots of peeps said that they wanted to come, so I am really looking forward to that.

And now, as he works on music lessons and looks over at me to see what I think, I have to shake my head and wonder "what in the world are we doing?"

I guess I'll just keep on keeping on, until early November when the 3 months is up.

[Dom R]

A detailed update about me, for once

Weekend trip was enjoyable.
Still got some things to worry about, though. Too early to tell if they are major, or minor. So.. gonna try not to waste time worrying about them! Gonna try focusing on the positive instead.

After some struggles juggling the kids, and soothing her nerves... I ended up giving her 1 hr of massage, and then about 45 mins of "more", when she was interested

But, afterwards, hit the "post coital regret" type reaction from her again.
Sometimes, I too wonder if I should keep things 100% "platonic", to avoid the rollercoaster effect.

I pretty much always keep it limited to when she shows some kind of "hints". I almost never try to initiate just for me.

Yet, I still run into the regret/distancing factor from her, to varying degrees. We slept in same bed afterwards, but she put a pillow wall up and wouldnt cuddle.
sigh.

Second night was a bit wierd. got a little bit of mixed signals.
I think we MIGHT have actually ended up sleeping cuddled... but the children played the "we need mommy to sleep with us because of nightmares!" card, there was none of that.

So, I ended up just giving her a massage (for an hour ) and then we slept apart
I really miss sleeping next to her. that's my favourite thing in the whole world. the sex was GREAT fun... but I miss the closeness.
I "pushed" a bit later on, to see if she would try sleeping together once (sleeping! ) on a non-trip type basis. but she stalled me with "very busy month".
guess I need to back off again. sigh.



Overall, she seemed to take the trip as a "something positive we do together for the kids" kinda thing. We took them to the zoo, and to a maritime museum. cool stuff, and educational too. we've done mostly that sort of thing.

She hinted that the next time we do something with the kids, it would be a purely "fun" type event, though. (Evening pirate show )


I think, that, unlike past trips, I kept it virtually 100% positive. No R talk from me. I just let her know how happy I was to spend time together.
(note that unlike your relationship, agent: it is her choice to ONLY spend time together, via kids' activities. it was amazing that she actually went out with only me, for our anniversary dinner in august.)

one very interesting comment from her. she said that she "wasnt sure that she could be happy", and that only, "some things make her 'happiER'"
Not entirely sure if she meant about life in general, or about spending time with me.
I replied just that it would make me happy, if she chose to share the "happiER" moments with me.

This is where we are... after 1 year and 3 months.
it's "improved". but still no full reconciliation in sight.
And we have a freakin court date hanging over things at end of oct reguarding child support demands, that she had postponed ("continuance") to see how she did with my proposed lesser amount that I have started to give her.

things are so confusing and complicated. ugh.



phew. tired. not usually up this late, and work tomorrow.
reinstalling some stuff on my computer. sigh.

ok, enough threadjack from me. thanks for letting me ramble

[Dom R]

now, as for you

I guess I'll just keep on keeping on, until early November when the 3 months is up.

I'll say it again: you are doing great, to my mind.
Every week, it looks better and better for you.
you are an incredibly lucky woman, that things are going so well for you.
your husband isnt seeing anyone else.. he's just being a bonehead.
If you keep doing what you are doing, in my opinion, he will just roll over at end of Nov. Heck, he might even decide to come back sooner, at the rate that he is cooperating and communicating with you. I think it's fantastic, both that you talked to him about more communication, and that he responded so readily.

Kudos to you.

[Trixi]

Been a long time since I have posted. Probably because there isn't much new to report.

Wednesday we took a salsa class. Good grief- my feet didn't want to cooperate, nor did his. So afterwards we decided we should take one private lesson to get caught up. He did end up staying over that night; but almost didn't. After class he said "well, I don't know about coming over. I'm tired." and I just said "do what you want." He said "ok. well, I don't know. Maybe you'll see me."

I actually didn't really expect him to come over, but he did. BUT, he was kinda 'blah', so I don't know that he should have bothered. I ended up feeling "guilty" because he drove all that way and apparently was not having a good time.

Oh, one good thing. Over dinner I said "You can chew on what I am about to say. You know what I'm thinking--you don't really want to see your family over Christmas and I'm not all excited to see mine, so I think *we* should go away together for the holiday." He looked kinda pleasantly surprised and said "we'll see." Me "We'll see?" H "yeah. We'll see. Let me chew on it."

Yesterday he was telling me how he had to work last night, tonight, was "busy" Saturday morning and was going to go and jam with someone in the afternoon. But he would be over in the evening and would work around the house Sunday. I told him that Sunday I had showings, so that didn't really leave any time for us to do something fun together. I was sitting on the couch and he was leaving for work, so he comes over, gives me a little 'pat pat' on the cheek while he says "That's the breaks". There was something so...snotty or conceited or I don't know what about it.

He did IM me later to ask if I had arranged for our private salsa lesson- I see that as a good sign. And when I later told him when it was, he suggested we go to dinner afterwards,so that is good too.

Seeing him is making it hard on me, though. Last weekend I had him 5 nights in a row. This weekend 1 night (plus the one from Wednesday). Ugh. Oh well. I know I have a lot more than a lot of people here so I shouldn't complain.