H wants D

[Cinderellaman]

Breton, I think that when you stop wanting to do it, you will KNOW, and by then it will no longer matter to you...for now, you're still on the rollercoaster....

Why you're doing it.....only YOU can answer that too...but sometimes life is just what it is ....

I hope you have a good day xxxx

[angelica]

Breton - I relate to your feelings at the stage you are at. A year is a long time. The thing is, we all reach the end of our tether, but as long as you are emotionally engaged in the process then you haven't actually stopped hanging on. You might be competely exhausted, and fed up, and want out - that is something else. This is the point at which some people start a new r, to ease the pain, and 'get over' their marriage [not the only reason, and I am certainly not getting at anyone here btw]

It is when we fully detach and let go, when we recognise the full extent of the MLC damage, when we view them with detached compassion, that we can cope better. It is hard to force coming to this point, and it takes a lot of time, and grieving. You will know when you get there, because it is at that point that your WAS has no 'power' over you. They may continue to freak you out by their weird behavior, but essentially you observe them, rather than being jerked around by their drama.


FWIW I have come to think that it is not so much about 'standing' as enduring.
A

[forward]

I am graudally doing better at viewing him w/detached compassion. Having him out of house and seeing him less frequently is probably a good thing.

Caught him staring at me tonight, but I'm still not noticing any efforts to work on the relationship on his side of things.

Gradually I am beginning to ask myself: at what point when you've felt this way in a relationship DO you say enough is enough?

I've resolved to give this my best shot but H is so far off in his immature world, I am not sure if he is capable ot being the kind of person I need him to be. His artwork and girlfriend are far more important than I am. Or than D1.5 is. =(

[w8ing]

Breton -

I ask myself how long I can do this. I don't know.

And more than once I ask myself why I am doing it. I don't know.

I think we all ask these same questions.

I do know that, for me, it shouldn't matter how long I can do this. If I am successful at GAL and detaching, what H does and does not do shouldn't matter. Waiting for him for a year, two years or whatever shouldn't matter if I am moving on with my life. The only way it should matter is if I find someone or I want to date again. And that thought is so far from my mind.... As far as putting up with the crap that seems to go with a MLCer, whether or not a D happens probably won't change this. Since we have children together, I am going to be connected to him for the rest of my life.

Now that my brave talk is out there, I will tell you that it does matter to me too. I wonder the same thing that you do - we are human - how long can we take this rollercoaster ride?

And why? As Cinders said, only you can answer this. I think we all ask this question.... I know I do and I sometimes question my sanity for wanting to hold on to my little sliver of hope.

There are so many questions out there that we all want answers to, and the frustration is that we may never get them...

Hang in there! Hugs!
w8ing

[forward]

I had a good weekend. I had sitter come so I went out on Saturday night. Nice to be downtown, and among adults, but the other thing I liked was getting out of my usual circle of people and meeting some new folks.

Today D1.5 and I went to the zoo.

My contact w/H is quite minimized now. Tomorrow will be a drop off and pick up of D1.5 and that's it. But I am still not sure if I see signs of him showing interest. Looks in his eye, yes. Action? Not a bit.

[Grace_O]

Well, it's the whole actions speak louder than words thing.

I'm glad you got out and met some new folks. How did D1.5 like the zoo? I'll bet she was excited.

[forward]

That's the thing, Grace--there is no action from him except this occasional staring.

He's going to be mad next week because I intend to share CS averages with him and ask him to start paying.

D1.5 liked the zoo, but she has been difficult to deal with lately. Terrible twos are beginning, I fear.

She liked the rhinos and that is a new word for her.

[forward]

Well, now that my contact w/H is so minimized, I am able to further detach. I want to do more creative stuff. I am likely to spend less time on these boards as I think it would be healthier to exercise and spend time on the projects I want to do.

Another C session this week. I am not looking forward to it. I think I am going to cancel the double session as I don't want to take so much time off work.

[forward]

I was confused--session is next week, not this week. Probalby just as well as I was not up for it.

Seems he isn't much liking having D1.5 in his apartment. It's too small. That does indeed sound like a problem.

But I have my space and I don't have H's mess to clean up when I get home. He used to be neat and I think he was purposely messy in my space and I did not like that. However, I have sent a message.

I feel sorry for H as he doesn't look happy. I think this is something he will have to go through and maybe we'll meet on the other side and get us some wine and spareribs and size each other up...and maybe we won't.

[forward]

So H says:

-He has been to see a lawyer. Says L will give him CS obligation numbers. That should be a wakeup call.

-Says he is a lot happier. (I said that in some ways I was glad this happened because it enabled me to think about what I want.)

-Said it would require a level of forgiveness that "we" cannot do.

-Said he tried to tell me that he had reservations about having D1.5.

-Said I never really knew him.

-Said he does not understand why I still want to be with him.

Threatened to go for custody of D1.5 (in a mean moment).

-Counseling is not working.

-We should share a lawyer (no way baby--but I didn't say that).

I said:

-It's mediation.

-In a weird way I was glad that this happened because it enabled me to think about what I wanted.

-I wasn't happy either.

-D was his idea, not mine. Therefore what happens is mostly up to him.

-You used to be a person willing to reflect on your actions, who would understand and expect change.

-I know you better than anyone. I think you changed and deep down you don't like who you became.

He left angry. I still didn't handle this well, sigh.


I don't know why am I doing this. =(