HI LIH, Things are going to be quiet for me for the next few days as my H is out of town at a conference. We considered my going, but that would mean the kids would need to come along too, and they really can't miss school ( my son needs the structure of going every day, and my daughter is on the tennis team ). And I am looking forward to having space from him and thinking about all these issues. I'll still be thinking about it ( and enjoy reading this board) but I won't have to work on anything,lol.
His going away brings up the issue of trust, and I have alreadyd ecided that I am not going to get all paranoid. Either this is going to work, or it isn't. And I have to say that he has been saying and doing the right things to make me feel he is truly re-invested in the marriage. In a way, my H and I are the " simaese" twins that Schnarch talks about...we both have to come forward with ourselves. The difference is I have a tendency to get depressed, and my H, under stress, detaches.
It's interesting to me that he doesn't " feel" depression. His mind-body connection doesn't work that way. As much as I feel that he missed the boat with me and my struggles, I can see now that I missed the boat with him. I excused away the irritability and anger, which I now have learned are subtle signs of depression.
I hope the space apart will do us some good. He's in California now, and I hope he has a really great time, in a healthy way. I am looking forward to enjoying the time alone in my own way.
My H is out of town this weekend also. I am really looking forward to the down time. Maybe I can catch up on the BB. I don't have any kids at home so it will be all about me. I know the trust issues. I also know the "decision" to not get paranoid. It's one of my biggest struggles. I make that choice but sometimes I find it difficult to follow through. I tell myself to let it go, there is nothing I can do to change it anyway BUT then I find my mind wandering with what ifs and ... but not this weekend, I have promised myself to enjoy my time. I am going to go buy some books I have been putting off. It is chilly here right now so if it stays that way tonight I will build a fire, pour myself a cocktail and read. Heaven for me. Hope you are able to enjoy your time as well.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
Enjoy! I love a little alone time. I don't need a ton of it but when I don't get it I crave it. I guess that is part of why I enjoyed going back to work so much after 10 years at home. At work I can take a walk or a lunch alone if I want or browse in a local store for a few minutes. Have a terrific time!
I am contiuing to enjoy this alone time...maybe a bit too much. It is calm and peaceful in the house and the kids have been great. My H adds an element of tension and chaos, and I am having some anxiety about his returning, although I do miss him.
I thought this might be a good time to uncover some of my sensuality, but I just don't feel it. Kind of discouraging.
I recall one time a couple of years ago I traveled on business for a week. I was nearly back at the house when she called on my cell-phone... I was angry that she had taken away the last ten minutes of my "alone" time. That was not a good sign.
It was a long time before I could really be with her without feeling any of the tension and chaos.
Much later, during better times, I offered to send her to her friend's house a thousand miles away for a few days... she seemed to be under too much stress and not dealing with it well. She turned it down; she was afraid she wouldn't want to come back.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I think the desire for aloneness is healthy, but our society pathologizes it because we have this myth of the ideal of oneness. In olden days, men and women didn't spend as much time together and didn't expect as much from each other. Women hung out together doing their traditional occupations, so did men doing theirs. (RJ, you've read "The Red Tent," haven't you?)
Wanting some time-- even a LOT of time-- alone does not necessarily indicate anything wrong in the R. To me it just means YOU NEED SOME ALONE TIME. Everyone needs that.
I personally think it should be built in to an R, whether you have your special zone of the house (RJ, do you still have that "meditation room"?) or trips alone, or just an evening or two per week when you can do something by yourself-- and I don't necessarily mean going out with your friends, I mean going shopping, to the gym, walking, a bookstore, worship service, or something that nurtures your inner self.
I feel so fortunate that my bf and I operate the way we do-- with two houses, and that we haven't labeled this as a compromise, or settling, or a sign of anything bad. We're spending the weekend together, but tomorrow he will go into town because the truck needs to go to the shop. I'll have the day alone and the night, too. Then I'll go to his house and stay that night because I'm taking night classes at the community college in town. We have a few nights together and a few nights alone every week, and it's never a problem for either of us. I love that this is SOOO simple.
Disclaimer: That feeling of not wanting to go home or dreading seeing your spouse CAN be a bad sign, but not necessarily.
I do remember one time when my late H had gone fishing. I went to the video store and stocked up on chick flicks and foreign movies (he couldn't do subtitles because of his eyesight), laid in a bunch of my fav snacks, and while I was on the way home, he phoned and said he had changed his mind and was coming home early. My heart just sank...and I went back to the video store and returned the movies. I related this story to a girlfriend (a therapist) and she said she understood perfectly-- she had had the same experience herself from time to time.
Another reason I am valuing this time alone is that as an introvert, I really do get my energy from having down time. Both my kids are like this...they like alone time, they don't want to be over-scheduled, they like it when there's nothing to do, one can sit and draw for hours while the other spends time on the computer, etc. My H is always pushing us into some activity or another, which is a good thing because it provides balance, but it can be annoying as well.
I'm heading into this Zen-like place, while my H is getting energized by the excitement of a new city, new people, etc. I hear it in his voice. It has the feeling of an adolescent checking in with mom...no wonder my sensuality has been off.
Lil, I can't believe you remembered about the "meditation" room! I guess the yellow stuck in your head! I ended up de-mysticalizing ( ?) it and making it more of a regular guest room becaue I thought my mother would be staying here for a time ( with my dad sick). Bust she is staying down in Florida, so I really should re-create the ambience.
I'm heading into this Zen-like place, while my H is getting energized by the excitement of a new city, new people, etc. I hear it in his voice. It has the feeling of an adolescent checking in with mom...no wonder my sensuality has been off.
Can you describe how it's different from a man sharing excitement in his life with his spouse?
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 10/01/0712:20 AM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
