Angelica, Thank you for your kind words of support. I am doing the best that I can and don't ever really know if what I'm doing is right or wrong. Just going with my gut these days.
He's still sleeping on teh couch, despite his continuous attempts to sleep in bed.
Still just being still.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS - I think it is guilt and confusion that prevents them sleeping in the same bed with us. If you remember it is one of the 'signs' of MLC -'Hanging on to the edge of the mattress'.
My h could not sleep with me when he tried to come home - it was my fault of course!! They are wracked with shame and guilt, just in total denial of it. .When they start to face it is when teh possibility of recovery begins
I think that all we can do is to keep going, and eventually, one way or another we reach a point when we are all right. If our spouses are alongside is actually their decision. I share BND[and others] views that we are the pearl of great price. That they cannot see it is their loss.
Angelica, He wants to sleep in bed with me. I am saying no. He wants everything to go back to normal, but at the advice from the C, there needs to be some space... something for H to work towards. And I feel better with him downstaris. It makes me feel less like I'm just giving in again. It gives me some boundaries.
I am lyin here awake in bed thinking... and the following thoughts came to me that I'd like to jounal:
- I am so happy this happened to me, because this experience made me the person I had wanted to be but didn't know how to get there. - I am a much better mother for it. - I feel confident that I can build a satisfying life without my H, if need be. - He doesn't do these things out of malice. It's simply because he doesn't know any better, having a crappy role model in a dad and a mother who didn't really know how to guide her children. - When things are good with me and H, they're really good... REALLY good. But what gets us(him) into trouble is when things are not so good. He has an escape (OW) who he can turn to at any moment in time. When things get rough, he turns to her as a non-judgemental eye and someone who will accept his behavior. - I trust his/our C. She is not going to let him get away with any crap. She is very good at pointing out behaviors (on both our sides) that are destructive. - I need to stand firm on him sleeping on the couch. As the C puts it, he needs to feel discomfort, and I need to stop making things easy for him.
Okay, those are my middle-of-the-night ponderings.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS - these are good thoughts. It is good that your h wants to sleep with you. As you know we had a great marriage, but I am still glad that this has mappened, because I now realise that my h had stopped 'growing' and was dragging me down with him. By going he enabled me to continue to grow.
your h is bascially a lot further along the road than mine, and I realise that mine may never exit the tunnel.
But the OW is a problem in your r. I believe that if and when my h finally gets free of OW he will have to do some very serious thinking about why he went off with someone so squalid, stupid and selfish. What was he looking for there? Clearly these OP give our h's something they feel they need. I don't feel inadequate that I don't - I believe firmly in the Jungian shadow side that produces some unattractive desires. I don't think everything we want is good for us, or should be indulged!
Just my musings. Hope you get some sleep. I will pray for you on this hard and stony journey.
PS - actually I think they are a mixture of a toddler and adolescent. In total rebellion against 'authority'. The predominant feeling, as far as I can see, when they do awake is 'Whatever was I thinking of?'
PS, I have been thinking of you the past few days. My H is way out of town ( Calif.) at a conference, and I decided to put a brake on the thoughts that he was covorting with another woman. I want to enjoy the space without letting my mind wander, and that is what I am doing. It has been so calm here...my kids have been awesome, and I am getting back my " epaceful spirit." When I speak to my H on the phone, he sounds teenager-like; he's off exploring San Fran, he's off to a meeting, he's at the gym, he's all over the place,lol. And here I am, steady and organized, feeling that I am where I should be. I am having some anxiety about his return.
I'm at a stage ahead of you, in that we have done a lot of repair work and OW is out of the picture, yet the fears are still there, esp. during an out of town escape ( oops, I mean conference). And when my H reposrts back to me with that adolescent tone to him, it's downright scary. I have to accept that we are two very different people, and hopefully we can help to balance each other in a loving, committed way. I will tell you, though, that there is a part of me that enjoys being alone.
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent on your thread. I think you're doing good.
RJ, I love hearing from you. I so know the feeling of enjoying the space alone.
Your H may very well be viewing his time as an escape. But he's allowed. And don't even let the fear come into your head about some OW on his biz trip. Easier said than done, I know. It sounds like you're in that mindset most of the time.
A marriage is about two people in a partnership, making it work. It sounds like you and your H work very hard at making your M work. For that, I applaud you!
Thanks for checking in.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Thank you, PS, for the support. My H just checked in again, and the conversation was somewhat stilted, and I'm thinking to myself, " Why does everything have to be so difficult?" But that's as far as the pity party will go. I"ve learned the drill...detach, let go, care for myself, enjoy my time and the little things around me.
