Nic Just read your post on my thread. I agree with the LL it was too late for me and W as well. She has no clue about it and will more than likely keep doing the same dance. I plan on giving the book as a wedding gift to new couples. They might think it's strange but they'll thank you later if they read it.
"Worry is the price you pay for most of the things in life that never happen"
Hey Nic ~ Sounds like you are doing pretty good and your talk with dd was awesome. I have tried to do the same thing. Sometimes it isn't always easy but I want them to like her and I have to remember they will only have one Mommy and that is ME! No one can compete with us on that. Not even close.
I will walk right up to h and ow and talk to h but I don't acknowledge her. I don't look at her or say anything to her. Maybe some day but she has done some pretty childish things.
Sorry I haven't been around much but you know where to find me if you need me!
Much love!
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
Have I told you lately that you are one amazing mother. It takes a lot of strength to say what you did to your D and even more strength to be nice to your H's gf.
It just shows the kind of person you really are.
When H's gf realizes the kind of person you are, she will wonder what you could have possibly done for your H to leave. She will figure it out but right now it is still too soon.
Wonder if your H could've been as strong as you had the roles been reversed. Don't even bother wondering because we know the answer. You will find the person who you are meant to be with but don't try to force a R; if it's meant to be, God will let you know.
Much love to you, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Nic, I'm sure the shock and the sting of this news is going to be lessened when you recount to yourself all the reasons why you should never accept the abuse of infidelity. Whenever I remember the man my H had been, I feel grief. When I remember all the completely disgusting, unremorseful behaviours, then it underlines why this could not continue. Remind yourself to balance your feelings that you deserve the best. He is not giving you his best and is incapable of seeing that. Remember that less than 1 in a hundred couples who begin with infidelity last. Their relationship sprang up from deceit to exist. (Even though I got that figure from Dr. Phil, it's still worth noting!) Honesty and truth are big killers of those relationships. Stay true to your own values. It gives a far greater strength than reacting emotionally, which is temporary and ultimately is energy-draining. You are a fine and decent person worthy of respect. I have no doubt that when you are ready, both love and respect will find you. My thoughts are with you. Take care, TS
H:55 M:54 D:16 M:1983 A#2:11/05 I moved out:09/06 A ended:01/08, new A started 05/08 D: tbc - sometimes this fall??
"You did what you knew how to do. When you knew better, you did better" - Maya Angelou
nic....I just got back to your thread and saw the news that H is engaged. I know that this probably hurt you tremendously and I'm sorry that I have been distanced from your sitch secondary to my own quagmire.
I am not going to rationalize this....sugar coat things...or...try and destroy him on a pretext of trying to build you up. You've been doing this a lot longer than I have. My only comments are that, understanding what we learn here about people, marriage, relationships, etc...that H has never had time to be alone, learn about himself, etc. That he is choosing to remarry during the 1/1/2 - 2 year 'hot emotional time', is risky to say the least. Let him go.
I started reading Venus and Mars Starting Over and the author says that you SHOULD hold on to them tightly. That is, the memories, children, love that they gave you, etc. Our problem is that we become 'attached' or fixed to the notion that THEY are the only ones that will love us and that we are ONLY comfortable with them. He states that we should hold on tightly to the good stuff and be thankful, but, to let go of the ingrained notion that we can ONLY be loved by them. Easy? NOT. He also goes on to say that, probably, the best time to go back to a relationship is when you DON'T WANT ONE..meaning...that you are comfortable being alone with yourself.
nic....it's been such a long and hard road for you. I'll say what my DB coach said to me: he was so dizzy with all the books I was reading (last year)that even HE was confused. He told me to put the books down and just live. Try and let go and move forward. Stop the analysis. Stop comparing yourself to her...you don't know what fate lies in front of them. Recognize that someone ELSE can and WILL love you. Trust me, I will most likely have to follow my own words of advice.
Stay strong. I/we support you.
Quote:
Remember that less than 1 in a hundred couples who begin with infidelity last. Their relationship sprang up from deceit to exist. (Even though I got that figure from Dr. Phil, it's still worth noting!) Honesty and truth are big killers of those relationships. Stay true to your own values.
If it helps, an old G/F of mine who cheated and dumped me and broke my heart, is now divorced 3 times. She who lives by the sword.......
Chin up. Hugs. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
ouch...so sorry to hear the news, but as I read more of the posts and your answers, I see that all is not horrible. You are more free now, and that will grow with time.
Thank GOD the gf isn't a nightmare. But as she sees the type of woman and mom you are, (especially when you don't say ANY negatives to h...) she will definitely wonder wth he was like with you.
Maybe the real fear is that you got the "practice h" and she is getting the new improved version of him, that you always wanted. That sucks as a feeling, but I am not sure how realistic it is to believe they've changed so much, permanently. Even if he has, HE would know. He'll know he is giving her more than he gave the mother of his own children. If they have children, he'll know his first time around was lousy as a dad. He'll possibly try to re-connect with the kids, and that's better than him not doing so. But he knows what he's done. New gf won't accept cheating from him, but he'll know he did it to you...
And btw, my sister's ex left her after 22 years and 3 kids, to "find himself" and had ow the next day...(Umm, yeah, I know....). Never expressed regret but once told my sister he was sorry for hurting her.
THEN when SHE was getting re-married, her EX called her to tell her he "fu----" up and is sorry and "gets it now" etc......And she told me that even though she feels sorrow about what she and the kids went through, she'd never go back to EX now, b/c her new h is really into the M, and makes it first in his life. She said "once you've been the priority you don't want to go back to being number 2, or 3, or 4."
NIC, I'm sending you faith in love. You will be loved again, by a good guy. There are a lot of them around, as you can see by this bb. It has really comforted me to find them here. FIB, frankd, Was2Sad, and so many many other good men exist. You'll find one there, in time. When you are ready.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
