Angelica, I do agree with your idea of a progression. I think they do move - VERY slowly - towards taking responsibility, in many cases anyway.
My xh did so partially after the first few anger riddled months and I do think DBing (he refused to leave our home even though he was having an affair) helped him get to that point. I left after our "reconciliation" failed as he still had a wandering eye and wasn't committed. Since then, we have had only superficial contact although since we moved to e mail rather than texts and phone calls, there has been a bit more honesty. Most of my communication with him over the last year has centred around his younger son, with whom I have a great relationship, and my daughter who has serious mental health issues.
A few weeks ago, he wrote this: "I was just trying to say how much I do appreciate your help and how much I appreciate us still being great friends despite all the sh!t I put you through."
Still seems strange to me to describe it as a great friendship. Despite always keeping in touch, he has avoided seeing me face to face, so I haven't seen him for 3 years and haven't spoken to him for over a year - my choice. Ah well.
I do think he may be out of the tunnel or maybe more overtly depressed but at a level which allows him to function ok. He has been rather unhappy for most of his adult life, except for our first few years together, so it's a state he is used to living in.
It's a glorious autumn (Fall!) day here in the UK, happy days to everyone.
Jaybeexx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
