what is the ow thinking??

[tryingtoholdon]

I would not take his calls right now. Let him sit and wonder what you are doing. lol

Also he is the father let him take care of your child. He can't run off if you say I need you to watch her as I have something to do on this day. Give him notice about a time and maybe he will step up.

[tryingtoholdon]

Hope..

I am 36 and my hair is down the middle of my back. I say stick with what YOU prefer and like. I see a lot of women where I live with longer hair. I am actually thinking about getting a perm to shake it up a little. LOL

[lovelyolive]

I think H's the ultimate manipulator. He's got me on this string like a puppet. He acts like he cares and says ILY all the time just to suck me in. Then when I get riled up, he turns on me yelling and screaming and blaming. It's totally jacked up!

What I've really come to realize over the past few months is that I started to ignore him in our marriage because he was not even coming close to meeting MY needs. Instead of telling him, I expected him to read my mind. When he didn't, I got pissed. So, there is our cycle. And, if I was "like that", I would've been the one having the affair.

The other thing I've really come to realize now that I've started asking him to meet those specific needs is that he's remarkably selfish (obviously!) and I really DON't think he is willing to meet my needs. I guess that's where the other part of my frustration lies.. Besides the ow.. he really only cares about ME meeting HIS needs. Not vice versa.

I guess those things are leading me down the frustration/sadness path straight to D...

[runningoutoftime]

I remember there being some really unhealthy patterns in my marriage too for a long time. They seem to be gone, but it certainly took a long time.... not that there are other things we're trying to work through.

I think you need to start insisting your H take part in more of the childcare. For example, if he goes out one Saturday night then you go out the next. If he cannot do a 50/50 arrangement then you'll need to start hiring a babysitter more often and jointly share in that cost. This will get you both used to single parenting too. There will likely be times you need babysitters.

You seem really angry. Try not to make decisions out of anger. Often those are the ones we regret. If you still feel this way once the anger has calmed down then you are much closer to making the right decision.

[lovelyolive]

ok.. having calmed down a bit since yesterday, I'm not even sure what I want or want to do. Part of me says go LLRT-how do you do this when you are still living in the same house? Part of me is still trying to figure out what exactly the cheeseless tunnel is. I am so confused.

I just don't understand how he can still maintain contact w/ow and act affectionate to me; talk about new houses for us; ask me what I want for my birthday; take me out on dates; basically act like he cares - like we have an actual M. The sad thing is that I believe he thinks he's "working on" our R but I am so frustrated with his continued contact w/ow and his secret "second life" that his "nice" actions toward me are doing more damage than good. Maybe it's all just to make himself feel better.. like "gosh I tried. but, I just couldn't make this marriage work".

So, when does it stop being a positive - something you are doing is making your spouse move closer to you, and becomes a cheeseless tunnel.. HELP! I feel very confused

[LL44]

LO, I am so sorry about your past few days. In a way, our situations are similar, although your H discusses future things with you, that doesn't happen with me. OW has ended it with my H, but sadly he keeps calling her, even though she doesn't take his calls.

Its got to be even harder for you, because your H is visibly trying to work it out with you, while remaining involved with OW. In a way, this is good because your H is confused as heck. I guess we have to look at it as if he was totally 'done' with you, he wouldn't be doing anything to help your R. I think you have to work until you can't do it anymore, so you can say to yourself you tried everything. I would tell you to detach, but I have no idea how to do this. Its easier for me to detach when H is being nasty to me, but you don't have this issue. Heck, I still crave his attention/company even when he isn't nice.

Hope you have a good Sunday.

[lovelyolive]

Latest convo:
M: I can't do this anymore. I can't go on sharing you with another woman
H: I know. I can't do this either. I can't go without love and affection and my biggest problem is that it took this situation to make you change. I know you will go back to being who you were before and complacent about giving me attention.
M: You always want to blame me but it takes two to get to this place and I'm not going back to that person whether I'm with you or someone else. I'm just not.
H: I know I am to blame, too and I am disgusted with myself for what I have done.
M: I am so sad that it has to end this way. You have someone to go to but I have no one.
H: That's a messed up situation (w/ow) in itself.
M: (Silent sobbing)
H: I am having such a hard time dealing with the inevitable end of our marriage. I am so sad for all of us. We can talk more about it (the D) later.

Bottom line is.. I do believe I'm heading for divorce court. It's like when he's pressured, he's certain D is the answer. Otherwise, everything is great and wonderful just as it...

[saffie]

LO,

So many people on these boards have thought that and the at the eleventh hour have ended up in piecing. It's taken the detachment and GALing involved when one actually believes that a D is going to happen to make things work . It also polarises the WAS's feelings.

I am so sorry for your H's behaviour.

(((((HUGS)))))

Saffie

[lovelyolive]

Thanks Saffie. At first, H was mad because I wasn't changing. Now that I have, he doesn't trust the change.

One thing I really don't get is that every time he talks about ow he says how messed up that situation is. Yet, it's still this desirable option. Something is up that doesn't make sense. I suppose she could be pregnant or something...

[saffie]

Could OW be cooling to your H? Or maybe she isn't quite worshiping him enough anymore? Maybe she is putting pressure on him - that's what OW did to my H and that's one of the things that drove him to tell me about the A.

Saffie