I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[theotherhalf]

Well it is Wednesday and still nothing from H. In a way it's okay because afraid of his reaction to my stunt last Friday. In a way not. I again had hopes that maybe, just maybe he might be coming around. I guess the weekend will tell more.

I spent the day today with MIL and SIL. SIL is very sick so took MIL to see her. It was so just like old times. H did call me to see how his sister was feeling. Talk for a short bit. But that was all.

Everyones(his family) wishes as I do that H would pull his head out of his a** and come home. It was so good to feel close to the family again. I don't know how I will ever go on if I can't be a part of them one day. They meen the absolute world to me and H is very possibly going to take them away.

It was a good day but now I feel so down and discouraged. I miss him so much. I miss my life.

[forever21]

Hi, toh. Keep working. I know it is not easy. You will find your way to where you want to be, if you are determined to. You just have to keep at it. Make sure you're defining your goals. Have you already done that, and I missed it?

Not to see him or to "distance" feels so wrong. So how do I do the "distancing" thing?

This stuck out for me. Just want to make sure you know that distancing and detaching are not the same. Sometimes we need to distance, for ourselves and/or for our spouses... but detaching (lovingly, of course) is something to strive for all the time. Also, it does not always feel comfortable to do either of them.

[theotherhalf]

Yes F21 I do know now that there is a difference. I guess I feel that in order to "detach" I have to keep my distance , to a point. By not calling, dropping by, going out to talk to him when he is here, etc...

Tonight was a really bad night. H was here when I got home. Doing farm stuff. He left a bit to do stuff next door than back again in a huff. I went out and asked what was wrong. At first he wouldn't even acknowledge that I was there. Then when I asked what he was so pissed about he said nothing, just tired and grouchy. It was a bad conversation and I should have just let it alone and went back to the house.

I'm figuring that he talked to OW sometime this week and knows about me following her last Friday. Bad, Bad I know. Couldn't help myself. But she was across the street from my work today and I did nothing. I will do nothing from now on. Anyways who knows.

Everyone in H family is convinced that he isn't seeing her anymore. But they are guessing as we never even had hard proof of the A except for phone calls to her. I am not convinced. Almost was then this reaction tonight, not so sure.

God this is so hard. I know what I want out of life and that is my family. I just don't know if it's possible anymore. Most people don't have a clue what they want out of life, my H for one, I do completely but don't know if it's attainable. It really sucks!

As far as my goals, yes I am working on them. Baby steps, one hour at a time.

Time will tell...

[theotherhalf]

Had a backslide big time today. I came home from work and H was here working on combine. I went straight to house. I figured I'd stay hidden as didn't go well with him last night. After awhile H came in. Looked "clouded" but seemed to be okay. Talked with D a little and me. Made a couple statements that led me to believe that his mind has not changed at all. Talked of selling bull in fall with everything else. I said nothhing. Said might go out ot Omaha to work with his brother. I said nothing.D left to go to work and H got up to leave. I pretty much let him have it.

I said "so what your telling me here is that your days around here are pretty numbered?" "yea, probably, if the plant (his work) closes...blah blan". I said "Well don't you think you should be spending time with D if your leaving her?" He says, " I try, and they can come to my place anytime." I told him that he needs to ask and that they are pissed and hurt and he's never even gave them an explanation...He turned around to leave and I said, "ya keep on running big man, and when it's all gone you'll have no one to blame but yourself"

He left very quietly.

I'm glad I said it, but know that he didn't "hear" me. Also I regretted it because I knew the risk of pushing him. So, later I called and was going to leave a message but he answered. I just said, meant what I said but I didn't have to be such a b***h about it and I'm sorry. He said okay, I said okay, bye.

Later in evening I was so bored and frustrated so got around and went to town. Nothing going on so "what the hell", Iwent to see if H was home. He'd just gotten there. I rolled down my window and asked "what ya doing?" he said he just got home. I sat there waiting to see if he'd invite me in or tell me to go. He did neither. Just unlocked door and went in. I thought do I or don't I. Well I did.

Talked, laughed, watched TV, and ended up spending the night again. Even got him to "kiss" me a little. (That's an issue with me,dumb but, I know that when he doesn't "kiss" me he is not there.)

This is such a weird sitch. I am starting to think that maybe he is not seeing OW either. Last night he had his phone out in the open and it was on. No calls. I didn't look to see if there were any recent calls to her. There are still a couple things that make me think maybe is but I have no idea and there is nothing I can do about it so trying to let it go.

I know that most would probably not agree with the way I am handling my sitch. And probably you may be right. But I don't know how else to do this. I feel if I completely "distance" or go "dark". He will just accept and go on. He's too much of a go with the flo kind of guy. I don't know if he was faced with having to fight for me that he would. I also believe that a lot of our problems in the marriage is him feeling left out, unimportant, taken advantage of, neglected. Lack of me taking the initiative for sex was a big issue also. So I can't get rid of the thought that maybe I need to show him just how important he is to me. That I am willing to fight for him. That I have changed in alot of ways.

Hell I don't know, maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe I am just alowing him to "play the game". To string me along, to "cake eat". I really don't know.

All I know is that I want this man in my life and I have to do something.

[Amy]

I know that most would probably not agree with the way I am handling my sitch. And probably you may be right. But I don't know how else to do this. I feel if I completely "distance" or go "dark". He will just accept and go on. He's too much of a go with the flo kind of guy. I don't know if he was faced with having to fight for me that he would. I also believe that a lot of our problems in the marriage is him feeling left out, unimportant, taken advantage of, neglected. Lack of me taking the initiative for sex was a big issue also. So I can't get rid of the thought that maybe I need to show him just how important he is to me. That I am willing to fight for him. That I have changed in alot of ways.

Hell I don't know, maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe I am just alowing him to "play the game". To string me along, to "cake eat". I really don't know.

All I know is that I want this man in my life and I have to do something.

I totally get this. I am terrified that my moving away has just made it so he will just give up. I do know that I had to distance myself to save myself because everytime he wanted I was in bed with him but he ALWAYS left me that same night to spend the entire night with her.

I am not saying you are right or wrong because honestly I am not sure if what I did is right or wrong. Be careful and protect yourself. I will be thinking of you.

[mkultra]

Hi, I have a few points from Homer MacDonald who references Michele in his book Called Stop Your Divorce. I am so paraphrasing, so you can check it yourself. If your H says he wants to move, you act as if you can help him by searching the newspapers or by offering to get his stuff ready for him, pleasantly not bitterly. This is also an aspect of Marriage Builders. It says to agree with everything they want and expect nothing in return. Pretty drastic, but think of the long haul. Homer thinks: If you do date others he will see that you realize you do want to be treated with respect. Guess what, he has already shown you that when he thought you were dancing with others. Don't pursue, both Michele and Homer say this becaue your H has such low self esteem he will not respect your love right now.

I also married my prom date and first kiss virgin boyfriend. We also met as young kids and so our families are extremely intertwined. My H has also had issues with some substance, his work, the kids taking time, my work, aging, Other Women, etc. You are not alone. You are doing a great job. You sound like a classy strong broad to me. Of course your H is out of his mind. His "friend" the OW is in a weak position and sometimes MLCers abandon competent wives for weaker OW because it boosts their ego. They can put on a Superman cape and escape their lives. It is ironic because now is a time you are very vulnerable to finding an OM to rescue you! Keep doing what you are doing but do not go after the OW unless you want H to feel protective of her when he should be protective of you!!! That OW if she really is even that, is not competition, she is weak. There is a difference.

[theotherhalf]

Thanks Amy and MK,

It seems as though I am getting positives from H but do I really see the "real" coming from H?

I just don't know if I am doing it right.

Like today he is here working outside. I so want to ask him to stay for supper. I am making gizzards which he loves. Don't think anyone is around tonight so H has nothing else to do.

After last night I thought he may not even come around but he needs to start combining too.

He has been nice but really quiet. I've been trying to stay away from him for the most part. Kind of seems on the virg of being pissed. But that is the way he's been this week from what I've seen of him.

I really don't want to push but yet I don't know if he can take the initiative to spend time with us. I still believe that he feels so guilty, that he doesn't deserve us and that the D is what he "has" to do.

Hell, I don't know!

[mkultra]

I think it is good that you Act As If but remember to also think like a Beginner. When you offer to do something with him, will it seem as though you are pursuing him? If that turns him off then cut him off short. Otherwise, I see nothing worng with giving him the benefit of the doubt. I dunno. He sounds like he is being apathetic as a weapon. My H did that too. Cordial to apathy. Now looking back I see he was cordial to see the kids and apathetic to avoid the guilt of his affair. He was never nice because he actually enjoyed my company. After a while, he just demonized me. I think you H actually enjoys your company or else why woud he invite you places and check in on you and kind of pursue you. He is just confused like a teenager. remember that? You can make it easy on him by letting him pursue you. Make him jealous. yes, stupid game but it WORKS!

[theotherhalf]

What do you say if H/W asks, "What are you doing"?

What I mean is, I keep waiting for my H to say, "what are you doing T?" "Why are you still here?" "Why haven't you filed"?

Curious what you would say...

[mkultra]

Listen. Don't say anything about the divorce, separation, or relationship. Pause and listen. Stay positive. If you have to mention anything, make it light, casual.