Talked to W this afternoon and it did not go well. Things have been on a steady upturn for the past couple of days. She's had a lot of problems with her work and has leaned on me pretty heavily to get through them. That's been good for us I think. Thursday, she asked me to push our hearing date back and Friday I did, it's now set for 21 Nov. I thought that was a good sign.
Today, she tells me that she doesn't know if she can deal with 2 years apart. I'm military and my job is sending me to San Antonio whereas hers is taking her to MD. So, best case the soonest we could ever live together would be roughly 2 years from right now. She could change that but we're not solid enough right now for her to gamble on us like that. I understand this point and don't blame her for that. Problem is, her love language is physical contact and she doesn't know if she can go two years with us only getting to see each other every couple of months for long weekends. This too I understand and I was afraid this would become a problem. She also said that she's not sure even if the next couple of months went really well that she wants to still be in the marriage. Her thing is that we need a divorce so that we're both "free" to choose the marriage again; if it's supposed to be it will. Mine is that we're separated and that we can choose it right now. If I have to go through a D, I don't think I can muster the strength to keep fighting for this thing the way I have been. She sees this as me "drawing a line in the sand" and has stated that she doesn't want to rise to the bait.
I'm at a loss. I thought things were going so well, she was talking about a weekend together, was interested in Retrouvaille, was saying she missed me (said that again today) all these good things but she keeps coming back to needing to get a D to start over. Now, with the 2 year problem thrown in, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to work with that, I don't know how to help her see that we could get through it if she wanted. She also keeps taking pokes at me in terms of her needs and I'm getting really tired of it. I feel like I've been working so hard for this thing while she's been doing nothing but sitting back and watching and telling me it's not good enough. I'm frustrated, hurt, and angry and wondering why I keep putting myself through this. I don't think she's going to change her mind about the D, she really doesn't change her mind very easily and all the cards are stacked against it. Maybe I should just move on, accept that this is going to happen and get my head out of this fantasy that we'll be together again. I just don't know if I can keep this up, if I can keep wanting her and this M when she's throwing nothing but doubt back at me.
