Thanks, Scottymack! I know this must be hard for kids of any age. I can't believe your W told them without you. It's staggering how self-involved they can be. Wow.
H and I went out last night, and I made some DBing mistakes, but honestly, not much I regret (yet). We talked a bit about money, and I mentioned that I'm not sure this is the best time to remodel the house. When he asked why, I realized I wasn't ready to talk about that stuff because it has to do with money down the line, like, "If you decide to stop supporting me [beyond the legal requirement] we'll have to sell and probably won't recup that money." So I backed off there.
He did say that's why he wants US to talk to a lawyer, "Unless you want to make it ugly and get your own lawyer to come after me." Ugh. That felt very threatening, and I didn't really respond.
I asked him what's making him feel uncomfortable living in the house, and he looked surprised, said he hadn't really thought about why, it just seemed obvious. Said he'd feel uncomfortable bringing his (male) friend over, and I clarified that I wouldn't have a problem with that. Said I don't feel uncomfortable having my friends over. He said he got that that was okay with me, but again, couldn't say what makes him uncomfortable.
We talked about telling the kids, and I told him I want to be honest with them and that it's not a mutual decision since I don't want him to move out. He said, "Okay, what if I'm dating someone and want to bring them over? Do you still want me to stay then?" Damn! So I had to say no, that would change things.
He said he's agreed to live by my "restrictions" for now, but he won't want to much longer. So I guess that helps, in a way, because then I can honestly say to the kids, "We can't live together." Is that a good thing? I don't know.
Re the restrictions, I said something like, "This is OUR house, not yours or mine. If we were both done, that would be one thing. We'd be roommates. We're not roommates, though; right now, of course, we are, but the house is ours based on being a couple, not roommates. You've changed that, but having women over would feel like a complete violation." He said, "Sure."
I also told him that while I agree that how the kids deal with this has a lot to do with how we deal with it, I think I feel like it's going to be a much bigger deal than he does. He says he's not downplaying it, just focusing on the how (because for him this is a done deal, so no point in hand-wringing over it, right? Argh). Again, something I really didn't need to say to him.
Then, I think while we were talking about the "restrictions," etc, I told him I'm angry with him. Said something like, "I'm angry that I based all my major life decisions---getting married, having kids, quitting my job---on a decision you made when you were so f***ed up you shouldn't have been making decisions at all. Part of me is happy for you that you're 'back in touch with yourself,' but part of me is angry that you had your head so far up your a** for so long and now that it's out, you're done with me."
Note to self: gimlets + R talk = bad idea.
He said with a smirk, "So you're saying that you're p**sed off because this isn't how you imagined things would be, that I'm cramping your style?"
I was agog. Just looked at him. Looked away trying to gather my thoughts, which at that moment ran along the lines of "You SOB, who the hell are you?" Said, "No, that's not what I'm saying."
Before I could think of a response, he said quietly, "No, that's not what you're saying. I see that."
Perhaps not right here in the convo but sometime he said something about "Unless you're sitting around waiting for me to change my mind..." I said, "Look, I know you're done. Feelings change---yours have changed, mine have changed, and who knows how we'll feel about each other in a year. If your feelings don't change, mine will. I'm not there yet, and I'll get there when I do."
That was pretty much the end of the convo, and we left the restaurant, took a (quiet) walk, got some coffee and walked some more. Chitchatted about this and that, laughed a bit, went home and watched a really, really stupid funny movie together.
So I'm not sure where we are with the "time to talk moving out." We didn't get too far.
Okay, folks, swing those 2x4s. Again, I'm not feeling too bad about what I said, though I could've said it more calmly, and I chose some aggressive words. I think this has something to do with really getting that he's totally done and me focusing on the impending splitting (of households and finances) instead of thinking about working on me and DBing hoping he'll come back. I'm not feeling a lot of desire to have him come back right now.
